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Conversation Topics
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Warning! This document contains sections about the human sexuality. These sections are specifically marked. Educational or not, you might not want to read sexual content.
IntroductionThe conversation topics may contain either questions or statements. Questions are clearly meant to elicit an answer. Statements may sometimes appear to state facts, but they are meant to elicit opinions and comments, not simply be accepted as absolute facts. The text in italic font, and text within brackets, contains instructions and tips, not conversation topics. Each indentation of the bullet points (to the right side) is a dialog switch between the people talking. When choosing an answer from a list of options, you're free to choose one or more, or choose a combination, depending on what fits you best, and add your own options. Each person could try to guess what option fits the other person. If you go through the topics in order, top to bottom, each person should alternatively read the next topic. If a single person were to read the topics, he / she would expose all his / her personality while the other person could change his / her answers in order to pretend that he / she is a good match. There are over 530 very detailed conversation topics. If at the end of a date you see an unacceptable incompatibility, you can say "We have (very) different personalities" in order to indicate that you will not pursue a relationship (with your person of interest). For tips on how to go through the conversation topics, see this. The conversation topics are also available in a smartphone friendly format. You should save the list on your smartphone by right-clicking on the link and selecting "Save link as" from the menu.
Table of contentsSexual lifestyle (Warning: mild sexual content in all subsections) Sex (Warning: strong sexual content in all subsections) Explicit talking (dirty talking) Diffuse arguments sexually (Warning: sexual content) Initiate and negotiate sex silently (Warning: sexual content) Settle sexual differences (Warning: sexual content)
Gamify topicsRead this section only when you see a conversation topic marked with "GAMIFY". Until then, jump to this section. The topics which are marked with "GAMIFY" can be optionally gamified. You can gamify a topic either the first time you answer it, or at a later time (when you can answer it again). A topic which can be gamified contains a list of statements which can be used as answers for the topic. When a topic is gamified, it means that on top of the number of statements that each person may freely specify as being important, number which is indicated in the topic (usually 3), each person may specify more statements when paying a closeness cost (described below). A topic which can be gamified is designed not only to be fun, but also to show people's ability to allocate scarce resources. If your person of interest defies the instructions and freely specifies more statements as being important than the topic indicates, it means that they are willing to use trickery to go around obstacles, and are unable to allocate scarce resources, patterns that will repeat later in life. Here are the available closeness costs (each can be repeated multiple times):
If you forbid the touches and kisses, but the other person insists that you should accept, make it clear that "It's too early for physical contact". If the other person still insists, walk away because that person is from the wrong pool of potential partners.
ExploratoryWhat were you doing / thinking about before we met? What were your plans before we met? What plans did you have for the next hour or two? What plans did you have for the rest of the day? Tell me something interesting about yourself. It can be about anything you want. [You can repeat this topic a few times. If he / she takes too much to think, you can tease him / her by saying "So, this conversation is the most interesting time of your life."] Tell me about you. What's your life story? How did you become the person that you are now? [If he / she says "It's a long story", you could say "I like hearing your voice."] Tell me something that you are proud of about yourself, your greatest (physical or mental) accomplishments. Compliment yourself about something other than your physical appearance. [Few people can compliment themselves about something else, at least with a non-generic compliment. Women, in particular, want to appear physically attractive, but are bored by men who compliment them for their physical appearance. But do women actually know what makes them more than just a pretty face and body? If he / she says that it's your job to compliment him / her, say "If you can't compliment yourself, knowing everything about yourself, how can anyone else compliment you?"] How much do you care about things in life? Examples:
What you are doing with your life? Examples:
Describe yourself with maximum 3 short attributes. GAMIFY. Examples:
What do you care about in life, what do you feel passion for, what are your hobbies and activities? Any project that you're currently working on? [When he / she tells you his / her passions, you can continue the conversation by asking "What made you interested in [activity]?" It's a fallacy of the modern, educated world to think that partners should feel passion for the same things. Compatibility is about the day-to-day life, not about shared passions.] What do you do when you are bored? Examples: I look at my nails, I look in a mirror / phone at my makeup or hair, I check social media (on my phone), I expect my partner to entertain me, I look at other people, I look at things around me, I work on my hobbies. Physical, mental or behavioral traits that you don't like at yourself, that other people might not like at you, that you could improve at yourself (mentally and physically). Things that your partner should be more patient with. Your obsessions, quirks. What are you obsessive-compulsive about? What things have to be very exact / structured / ordered / determined? Examples: buying things, saving money, hygiene, folding clothes, logic. The first thing you're noticing or trying to see at a person of interest, when seeing him / her for the first time? Examples: clothes, weight, height, breasts, ass, hips, thighs, genital organs, face, eyes, silhouette, intelligence. What was your first impression of me? What were your concerns about me? Has anything changed now? What are your concerns now? Concerns refer to things that make you feel uncertain whether we should continue talking. Do I have anything that you would not normally choose a partner for? What do you find interesting in me?
Relaxing and funnyWhat makes you happy, or what would make you happy. What stands between you and your happiness? Things you do to relax, to calm down. Examples: listen to music, clean the house, iron clothing, cook, go out for a walk, walk in a peaceful place (like a garden), read a book. What things would you like to be able to do more? If you could do anything you wanted right now, what would you do? Your perfect day. The happiest moments of your life. [If he / she takes too much to think, you can tease him / her by saying "So, this conversation is the happiest time of your life."] What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? If you would not have to work for money, what would you do with your life? If right now you had the equivalent of the national average wage for 6 months, what would you spend it on? What do you feel most grateful for, in life? Magical ability that you don't have but desire. Would you live on Mars for 3 months? What's the funniest, weirdest or craziest idea for a date that you would like to go on? Were you ever naughty? Very weird, funny, amazing or embarrassing things that have happened to you or that you have seen happening to others. If a person that you are attracted to were to walk by you in the street, naked, how would you react, what would you say? Let's say that your clothes vanish suddenly, leaving you completely naked. What would you feel? What would you do? Examples: run away, die of embarrassment, cover myself with your clothes, ask you to close your eyes, let you watch, stand up and show you everything. If you could time travel at any moment in history, what would you want to see? What would you do if the world were about to end in a few days? How prepared would you be for an apocalypse? Example scenarios: an asteroid hitting Earth, catastrophic weather, Sun burning out, vampires, zombies. What's the most dangerous situation you've ever been into? What would you do as the absolute ruler of the world? If you could switch bodies with your partner for a day, what would you do that day? What was your favorite activity as a teenager? Exclude masturbation. When you were a child, what did you want to be / do as an adult? Some moments that you remember most vividly from your childhood. Do you remember a moment from your childhood when you thought that magic was real, or when you thought that you were very special or invincible?
StimulatingPhysical activity. Examples: walking, fitness, bike riding. Walking versus going by car. The last time when you've walked for an hour. Eating style, diet, weight control. Describe what you usually eat during a day. What you eat in general. Your favorite foods. Your favorite deserts. How often do you eat at restaurants? What you drink and how much: water, tea, coffee, alcohol, vegetable and fruit juices, sweetened beverages. Have you ever been drunk? Habits when deciding to buy things. Do you buy things on a whim? Do you obsess over analyzing and comparing details? When you buy something, do you often regret buying it because you later see something more interesting? If you regret buying, do you replace what you've bought, or do you try to find new interesting things about it? Answer separately for cheap things, and for expensive things. Examples: yes, there are so many choices out there, sometimes, I research a lot before buying, I research things so much before buying that I'm sometimes paralyzed and I even end up not buying. Products you've bought online recently. Show some photos of the place in which you currently live. Show only the inside. Show some photos that you've taken, maybe from your trips. Travel. Vacation locations and business trips. What kind of places do you prefer to visit in your vacations: cities, quaint villages, resorts, rugged nature, mountains, beaches. Do you like hiking, camping? Where did you go in your last vacation? Where else have you traveled? Where would you like to go in your next vacation? Would you want to go in a vacation without your partner? What if it weren't possible to go together? Search online for reviews for restaurants or hotels, be they from places where you would like to travel, or from your city. Comment on the reviews. Review websites: Booking, TripAdvisor. Search online for visual art, like photographs, paintings, or sculptures; try to find something out of the ordinary, maybe even controversial. You can look at AI art in the public galleries of AI generators like Midjourney. You can also search online by combining words like "surreal", "outstanding", "controversial" with "photographs", "paintings", "sculptures", "fine art", "NFT art", "art". Look at the found images and comment on the art. What do you think about someone who displays that art in his / her home? What do you think about a man who displays in his home a photo of a nude woman, or about a woman who displays in her home a photo of a nude man? Reality is:
Best way to handle Reality. Examples:
Types of videoclips that you are watching online, like documentaries, personal development, movies, music. Articles or books. You could search for them online, on your smartphone, to show what you're interested in. Are you interested in improving your body or mind? If the answer is "Yes", how do you do that? Teach me (about) something. Keep the lesson within a few minutes. What annoys you the most in people, in life, in the world.
Purpose of questionsWhat are questions for you? Examples:
What do you think about asking and being asked hundreds of questions about your personality? Examples:
If a conversation topic is about a subject that is awkward or unpleasant for you, like some sex topics are for many people, what do you think your person of interest should do next? Examples:
What is ignorance for you? Examples:
RelationshipType of relationship that you want to have next, for the foreseeable future. Examples:
If you're looking for a long-term relationship, do you still see yourself together with the same person after 5...10 years? If the answer is "No", does it mean that you want several long-term relationships? In the foreseeable future, like the next 2 years, is it likely for you change your mind about the type of relationship that you want? Are you currently involved in a sexual or romantic relationship? Do you see any difference between deciding to buy things and deciding to get into a relationship? Do you put similar effort into both things? In your next relationship, are you looking for realistic expectations and friendship, or for magic, fate and a soulmate? How would your soulmate differ in behavior from a person who is a good match (but not a soulmate)? Would you prefer to be miserable because you don't have a partner, or miserable because of your partner but together with that partner? In your arguments with your partner, is it better to be right, or to be happy?
Until what moment is it acceptable for you and your current partner to have conversations with other people, which could result in a romantic relationship with those people (after breaking the relationship between you two)? This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like embracing, kissing, petting or sex) with the other people, following the principle "look but don't touch". Examples: until getting the second / third / fourth date, until we discuss all these conversation topics, until we have our first sex together, until we declare love to each other, until we agree to be in a sexually monogamous relationship, until engagement, until marriage. Whatever your expectations from your partner are, would you spend the time, energy and effort to give him / her the exact same things that you expect him / her to give you, or would you give something in exchange? An example of the same thing: I expect him / her to listen to my problems and offer me support, and I do the same for him / her. An example of exchange: I expect him / her to bring the money, while I do the cooking and cleaning. How do you view the start of your life together? Examples:
Potential partnersWhat makes you a good partner? How would you make your partner's life better? What do you bring in a relationship that your partner can't do by himself / herself or can't find in most other people? Examples: my very fit body, beauty, fun, good vibes, giving birth to children, cooking and cleaning, financial security, companionship and friendship, dedication, (sexual) faithfulness, sex, sex with complete abandonment, passion for my partner and his / her presence. Romantic things that don't involve sex and don't involve either partner paying money for anything (except for some pocket change), things that you could do for your partner, or that your partner could do for you. Physical or mental traits that attract you to men / women. From the list of statements below, specify maximum 3 that are most important to you; you can add your own statements. GAMIFY. Examples:
The ways in which you would like your partner to often express his / her attraction, passion and love for you, to make you feel special. From the list of statements below, specify maximum 3 that are most important to you; you can add your own statements. GAMIFY. Examples:
What is the crucial one thing that you need from your partner, without which you would say "If I don't get this from you, I'm walking away"? Examples:
Most annoying, but not bad, traits in a partner. Examples: feminine man, masculine woman, too aseptic / hygienic, ignores hygiene, is rude with other people, chews loudly, sips hot beverages loudly, gets drunk, farts in my presence, too ordered, too messy, too stoic / emotionless, too logical, ignores logic, is mocking, rolls his / her eyes when I say something, is too exhibitionist in public (wears a deep cleavage, shows too much skin, wears body-tight clothes and shows too much body shapes). How messy or ordered are you? How chaotic or logical are you? How emotional or stoic are you?
Lasting relationshipWhat do you think is the key for a long lasting romantic relationship? Examples:
Power playHow do you feel about you and your partner manifesting your affection for each other in public? Examples of manifestation: distant, holding hands, hugging, pecking, kissing, kissing passionately, climb on one another while kissing passionately. When meeting your partner somewhere, do you prefer to kiss then hug, or to hug then kiss? Hugging before kissing builds anticipation for the kiss, but some people don't want to waste time before kissing. How often would you like to spend time with someone, before you live together? Examples: every day, twice per week, once per week. How often would you like to communicate with someone, before you live together? Would you prefer to communicate mostly through text messages, phone calls or face to face? Should the messaging be done through online messengers or SMS? What kind of text messages do you like more? Examples:
In case your partner doesn't answer immediately, how much time is it acceptable to pass until he / she returns your call? What about until responding to a message of yours? If your partner doesn't answer within the acceptable time, how would you react? If your partner were to cancel a date that was supposed to last the entire next day, what would your reaction be? What activities would you do instead? What's the longest time you would wait for someone who is late for the first date? Examples: 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours. Are you annoyed by men who open doors for women? Who should pay for the entire first date (including the partner's share)? Who should pay for the second and third dates? Examples:
What qualifies as an expensive first date for you? If you were to pay for the entire first date, and you don't clarify before the date what you want in return, does the other person owe you something in return? What if the date were expensive? What about the second and third dates? Examples:
Which partner should generally take control of planning to do things together? Examples: the man, the woman, equally the man and the woman. Answer separately for the following things:
If a woman is asked, for the first time, by a man to do something together, like talk or have sex, and the woman explicitly says something like "No", "Not interested" or "I don't want to", what do you think she means and what should the man do next? What if the woman says "Maybe (you can convince me)"? What if the woman doesn't explicitly refuse the man and instead claims that she is polite and the man should "read" her body language? What if the woman doesn't explicitly refuse the man, and then claims that she was pressured to do things that she didn't want to? What do you think about a man who gets into a relationship with an adult woman who is at least 15 years younger than him? Examples:
What differences are there between men and women? What makes a man? What makes a woman? Examples:
[For the woman to answer first] How do you perceive a strong and independent woman?
[For the woman to answer first] Should a woman lead in a relationship? Examples:
[For the woman to answer] If a man (stranger) looks at you for what feels to be a too long time, maybe while passing by you in the street, what do you feel? Examples:
If a woman says that a man (stranger) that she saw several times, in a public space, man who looked at her every time while passing by, is a creep or a bad man, do you believe her and why? Examples:
When role playing a hero character from a movie / game / novel, a man usually wants to become that character, whereas a woman usually wants to change that character into the her. Do you agree or not? Do you think that this difference permeates men's and women's behaviors?
Do togetherVisit stores that interest you, like fragrance stores, clothing stores, grocery stores, decoration and furniture stores. See what you both like, how it feels to shop together, how much time and money you (would) spend. [DO NOT offer to buy a fragrance for the other person. You can buy a fragrance that your person of interest likes, and keep it at your home so that he / she can use it when he / she visits you.]
IntimacyWhen you ask your partner "Do you love me?" what parts of you make the "you" from the question? What precisely do you want your partner to love? Examples: my body, my legs, my ass, my breasts, my genital organs, my face, my eyes, my amazing personality, my chaotic mind, my logical mind. Would you like for you and your partner to tightly embrace each other for a long time (like 10 minutes), every day or once every few days? See Preventing conflict for details. What (type of) body fragrance do you like? Examples: sweet, powdery, velvety, aquatic, citrus, floral, fresh, herbal, leather, tobacco, spicy. Let me smell your fragrance. [Women usually like sweeter fragrances on men, than men like on themselves.] Look at each other's face, or in each other's eyes for a few minutes; 2 minutes is fine. When you look in someone's eyes, focus on a single eye, on a single point. Don't switch your focus between his / her eyes. What would you need your partner to do in order to make you feel the desire to throw yourself in his / her arms, abandoning yourself mentally and physically, while saying "You can do anything you want with me"? It's implicitly agreed that your partner has to protect your body and mind (not do something that hurts you). When is a good moment for the first hug? [If your person of interest takes too long to answer, you could say "This looks like a good moment" and open your arms to allow him / her to hug you.] When is a good moment for the first kiss?
Sexual lifestyleWarning: sexual content included. You should also read about sexual lifestyles. [For the woman to answer first] Should your partner know and care about the details of your sexual past? This question isn't asking whether you care about your partner's past. Examples:
Do you want to know your partner's sexual past? Examples:
What do you mean when you use the word "sex"? Examples:
What do you mean when you use the expression "sexual partner"? A person with whom you did what? Examples:
Approximate number of sexual partners that would be normal for you to have during your entire lifetime, past and future. This number must refer to what you want in real life, not to what you fantasize with no intention of making happen, and not to what you think is normal for other people. Examples: as few as possible, under 5, under 10, under 15, as many as possible. Number of sexual partners you had in the last 12 months. Approximate number of sexual partners you ever had until now, for any kind of sex. Examples: under 5, under 10, under 15, more than I want to admit, more than I can remember. If you are virgin and want to avoid saying that, use the lowest example number; there will be more opportunities to discuss virginity, especially during the topics about sex. Would you have sex with a virgin? If the answer is "No", what's the reason? Should your partner have had sex in his / her entire life, until you met, with a minimum number of people in order to gain sexual experience and not regret the lack of multiple sexual partners? Examples: 1, 2, 3, none required. Number of sexual partners that would be normal for your partner to have had before you. Examples: as few as possible, under 5, under 10, under 15, I don't want to know, I don't care. Do you feel any kind of pleasure or are you aroused by the thought that your partner had other sexual partners before you (regardless of whether he / she actually had other sexual partners)? If the answer is "Yes", why do you feel that? Examples:
What was the shortest time you've spent with a person with whom you had sex? Examples: a one-night stand, a few days, a few weeks, a few months, a few years. Have you had sex with someone the first time you physically met him / her? What about the second time? Have you ever had sex with more than one person during the same session of sex? Have you ever had sex and then regretted doing it? Is it necessary for you to have sex with your partner before you agree to be in a long-term relationship, perhaps because that's how you ensure that you are sexually compatible for the long-term? When is it acceptable to start having sex with a new partner? Examples: when I see that he / she is fun, when it feels good / right, after the first / second / third successful date, after a few weeks, after we agree to be in a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship, after engagement, after marriage. If you think that it's acceptable to start having sex with a new partner only after you agree to be in a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship (/ engagement / marriage), then:
If you have sex with someone and you don't clarify before the sex what you expect after sex, does the other person owe you a relationship, be it short-term or long-term? Have you ever had sex before you clarified what kind of relationship you want afterwards? If you've said "Let's see what happens (after sex)", it counts as a clarification because your partner knew that your decision, to either stay or walk away, depended on something not yet clear. If your person of interest would rather walk away than have a conversation about your relationship together, what would you do? Examples:
Have you ever felt that you were pressured to have sex? If you are single and you feel the need to have sex, do you find someone to have sex with, or do you wait for a long-term partner? How do you think about sex?
Until what moment is it acceptable for you and your partner to have sex with other people? Examples: until getting the first / second / third / fourth date, until we have our first sex together, until we declare love to each other, until we agree to be in a sexually monogamous relationship, until engagement, until marriage. When would you consider a person to be sexually promiscuous, and avoid having a long-term relationship with that person? Examples:
What do you think about a person who says that he / she wants to be in a long-term relationship, but until that moment has sex with many partners? Is that person promiscuous? If a woman complains that she attracts only men who treat her badly and vanish when she asks for a more serious relationship, who is responsible for the result? Examples:
Is there a double standard in the fact that men care about women's (sexual) past, but women don't care about men's past? Examples:
How do you know a person? Examples:
What do you think of the saying "Nice guys always end up with the woman"?
If you desire something sexual, like a fantasy, do you have to make it happen in real life? Examples:
If you fantasize about having sex with people other than your long-term partner, do you do act on this desire, or can this desire remain unfulfilled? Would you ever lie to your person of interest about your sexual past? Have you ever lied to your person of interest about your sexual past? Examples:
If you were to ever find out that your partner has significantly lied to you about his / her sexual past, what would you do?
MonogamyWhat do you think about open relationships, in which each partner is free to have sex with other people:
[For the woman to answer first] Can you accept your partner to have sex with other people if he / she guarantees that he / she will return to you, won't have children with the other people, and that condoms will always be used to protect against sexually transmissible diseases. Answer separately for this happening occasionally or regularly. Examples: yes, only if that partner is wealthy (and provides me a luxurious life style), only if the other people are paid sex workers, no. In a sexually monogamous relationship, is it acceptable for you to have occasional and short sexual affairs with someone who you find irresistible? Is it acceptable for your partner to have them? Do you intend to be monogamous and faithful to your partner? Do you want your partner to be monogamous and faithful to you? In a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship, after how much time of having no (quality) sex with your partner would you say that either the relationship should end, or the partners may have sex with other people? Answer separately when temporary medical causes are involved, like after giving birth. Examples: 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, never (sex isn't worth a separation). There is one biological element that determines human sexual behavior: propagation of genetic material. This element has two parts: maximizing survival (through genetic diversity) and ensuring that the cost of raising children is worth the effort (through selfishness). Genetic propagation uses genetic diversity as a way to maximize the possibility of (beings) surviving the environment. Most animals, humans included, generally have multiple sexual partners in order to spread their genetic material in order to create very diverse combinations. On the other side, genetic propagation is selfish. This selfishness exists due to the huge investment that people make in their children, children who are usually raised for decades by their parents. This is why the overwhelming majority of people make and raise their own children, not someone else's children. The desire for monogamy, faithfulness and virginity stems from a biological imperative to have sex with a partner: who can make a huge investment in children (proved by being together with a partner for a very long time), who can participate with resources to raise children, who guarantees that resources aren't spent on someone else's children, and who is free of sexually transmissible diseases. A man has one more reason to want a monogamous woman: if he were sure that she's monogamous, if the woman were to get pregnant, the man would be sure that the child is his and therefore worthy of investing resources in; the woman always knows that the child is hers. This desire is instinctual and verbal guarantees have no effect on it.
CheatingWhen is it acceptable to (sexually) cheat on a partner? Is it acceptable when the partner has cheated first? Is it acceptable when the partner (almost) never wants sex, and months have passed since the last time you had sex? If you were to (sexually) cheat, or to seriously consider cheating, why would you do it? Saying "I would not cheat" or "I don't know" are not acceptable answers. You have to think about what is it that you may be missing most in a monogamous relationship. Examples:
If your partner were to (sexually) cheat on you, what would you prefer to happen? Examples:
Have you ever (sexually) cheated on a partner? If your partner were to (sexually) cheat on you and you were to find out after a while, which of the following statements represents more the way you would feel?
VirginityWhat is virginity? Examples:
Would you say that a virgin is a person who never had genital sex (= penis into vagina)? Is that person still virgin if he / she had oral sex, anal sex or other forms of physical sex play? If your partner were virgin at a late age, what would you think? Examples:
SexWarning: sexual content included. If you want to avoid talking about sex, go through this section first. Discussing about sex requires mutual attraction but also a certain familiarity that develops in time, so it should be avoided during the first date. It's recommended for you and your person of interest to be intimate enough to stay embraced, or in any close physical contact, while talking about sex. If you are interested in learning about sexuality, see Sexual Education. If the physical passion for one another doesn't become visible during the conversation about sex, there will never be such passion, and, if you do get sexually involved, your sexual interaction will continuously deteriorate in quality. If the other person tries to shame you, your sexuality, walk away on the spot. Tell to your person of interest the guidelines for a conversation about sex:
Deciding to talk about sexDo you want to avoid talking about sex? Examples:
Do you feel guilt or shame when you imagine yourself having sex, or when you are actually having sex? Chest hair on men. Examples: hairy, shaved. Pubic hair preference for both partners; this refers to the hair on and around the genital organs and anus. Examples:
Do you have any infection or disease that can be transmitted during sex? If you want to avoid talking about sex, jump to this section.
HygieneHow often do you wash your genital organs? Do you wipe and wash your anus after you do number 2? [For the man to answer] After you pee, do you wipe the tip of the penis with toilet paper?
Default state of mindYour knowledge about sex, how to have sex, how to get and give pleasure. Are you interested in learning more about sex? How did you learn most about sex? Examples:
When talking about sex, do you prefer to use a formal or a slang type of language? Something mixed? Formal: sex, penis, vulva, vagina, semen. Slang: fuck, cock, pussy, cunt, cum. What value do you assign to your genital organs? What are they for you? Examples: a cruel joke of Nature, a hygiene nightmare, an annoyance, the path to financial stability, tools for pleasure, a precious gift for a precious partner. What do you usually call / name your own genital organs, in a non-sexual context? Use the actual word, don't replace it with something that you think is more appropriate for the conversation. Examples: junk, penis, cock, vulva, vagina, pussy, cunt. What do you usually call them in a sexual context? [For the woman to answer] What do you call your breasts? Examples: breasts, boobs, tits, rack, the girls. What do you feel when you imagine a man climbing on top of his woman partner, penetrating her with his penis (making her feel how his penis spreads her flesh apart, making its own space inside her, filling her body up to his testicles), and thrusting vigorously inside her body? Is there any difference if the penetration is vaginal, oral or anal? Examples:
[For the woman to answer] Have you ever seen a man who made you feel an almost uncontrollable desire to have his penis deep inside you? [For the man to answer] Have you ever seen a woman who made you feel an almost uncontrollable desire to have your penis deep inside her? How important is sex for you? How important should sex be for your partner? What is sex for you? Examples:
Who should get pleasure from sex? Examples:
Feeling pleasure while you're having sex. Examples:
Do you feel pleasure or are you sexually aroused when you think about giving or receiving sexual pleasure to or from your partner, when you think about your partner getting pleasure from using your body, or when you actively produce pleasure to your partner? Would you need to have sex in order to relax, or would you need to relax in order to have sex? Some people must feel the desire to have sex in order to start having sex, while other people must start having sex in order to feel the desire to have sex and enjoy it. Which of the two types represents you more? Are you sexually aroused if you see that your partner feels pleasure that you give him / her? Are you sexually aroused if you see that your partner feels sexual passion for you? Men and women are almost just as interested in sex (that satisfies them), but women have more conditions attached to engaging in sex, due to the power play between men and women, cyclic biological variations, and their slower biological response to arousal. Do you agree? Men are usually ready to have sex in seconds of being asked, whereas women need more time for the desire to build in their minds and bodies. A man should first start having sex with a woman's mind, by teasing her through talking and body language that shows that the woman can't get the man's body just because she's pretty, but that she has to work for it in order to get something valuable. Do you agree? What could stop you from enjoying sex? Examples: noise, cold, unfamiliar location, stress at work, chores that have to be done, partner focusing only on his / her pleasure, fear that I won't have an orgasm, fear that I won't meet my partner's requirements. What would you need in order to enjoy having sex, not merely accept to have sex? How much would you enjoy sex, in general? How would sex with you be? How would you try to make your partner (sexually) ecstatic? If you don't know what you like during sex, are you willing to experiment? If your partner asks you to experiment with something that you don't like, will you accept to do it, dislike it, then claim that your partner has exploited you? If your partner asks you for something that you find unacceptable (but not sick), would you try it once or twice before you deny it to your partner? Don't take this question as a demand to feel obligated to fulfill your partner's sexual needs and fantasies, answer what you want to do. If you desire something sexual but your partner doesn't want to do that, do you have to do it in the real world with someone else, or can it remain only in your imagination? Let's say that you and your partner both agree to do a certain kind of sex, but after some time (even months or years), one of you no longer wants to do that. How do you handle the difference and why do you handle it like that? Examples:
Consider a handsome, carefree, confident, bad boy with a fit body and a "go suck a lemon" attitude, who doesn't validate a woman's beauty with compliments. Would most women let him fold them like an origami and use their body in any way he wants? Would you stay in a relationship if your sexual needs are not satisfied by your partner?
Abandoning yourselfCan you imagine a scenario in which you would abandon yourself to a man / woman? Would you like to abandon yourself, to let go of control (over your body) and do what that man / woman asks? Examples:
Do you want your partner to abandon himself / herself to you? Examples:
What could stop you from abandoning yourself to your partner? Examples:
What would you need your partner to do in order to make you feel the desire to unleash your sexuality, to make you feel the desire to throw yourself in his / her arms, abandoning yourself sexually, while saying "You can do anything you want with me"? It's implicitly agreed that your partner has to protect your body and mind (not do something that hurts you), and that everything not related to human sexuality is excluded. Examples:
Something deeply intimate and sexual about you. Something that makes you feel very vulnerable, something that you are afraid of telling your partner. Something that makes you feel like you're undressing your soul and say "Accept me like this or leave!" [You can delay talking about this until you finish talking about sex.] What would you need your partner to do in order for you to deny him / her as few actions as possible? Examples:
Is there anything that you want to deny to your partner from the start? It's implicitly agreed that your partner has to protect your body and mind (not do something that hurts you), and that everything not related to human sexuality is excluded. Say explicitly what you deny, and try to provide a reason. Examples:
If you were to not feel sexual passion for your partner, would you still want to be with him / her, and for what reason? Examples: for children, for financial stability, for a safe relationship, for sex (with limits).
GeneralDo you know that the vast majority of women need to have their clitoris stimulated in order to have an orgasm, and that very few women can have an orgasm only through vaginal penetration? [An orgasm always includes pelvic contractions; very few women report having an orgasm without contractions, and no men.] [For the woman to answer] Can you orgasm without your clitoris being constantly stimulated? [For the woman to answer] If your clitoris isn't stimulated, do you feel pleasure during vaginal stimulation / penetration with fingers, a penis or a dildo? If the answer is "Yes", should the stimulation / penetration be shallow (= at the vaginal entrance) or deep (= toward the cervix)? Who should be responsible for your sexual satisfaction and orgasm? Examples:
During sex, the man has an orgasm, but the woman doesn't have hers. What should each of them do? Should the woman satisfy herself? Should the man satisfy her, and how? [Read this for tips.] Examples:
Clitoris stimulation. Who should do it, how, when and for how long should this happen? [For the woman to answer] If you regularly don't orgasm during sex, would you masturbate in front of your partner, with or without a vibrator, to allow the partner to watch and learn what spots you like stimulated, what kind of stimulation, and for how long? If you refuse to masturbate, do you feel the need to have sex, and do you enjoy having sex? Have you ever faked an orgasm? Would you, and why would you, ever fake an orgasm? Who should have an orgasm first, the man or the woman? [It's recommended to make the woman orgasm first.] [For the woman to answer] How big should a penis be? Examples:
How would you prefer the location where you have sex to be usually lit? Examples: daylight, well lit, dim lit, dim lit with colorful lightbulbs (reddish is best), bedside lamps with dimmable lightbulbs, candle lit, moonlit, dark. Why do you like it lit like this? When and where would you like to usually have sex? Examples: in the bedroom before going to sleep, on the livingroom couch in the evening, on the kitchen table, in the shower, in the broom closet (at full moon). How many times do you feel sexually aroused during a day? Examples: none, once, twice, several times, many times. How often should sex happen? Examples: once per day, 5 times per week, 3 times per week, 2 times per week, 1 time per week, 1 time per month. Do you feel the need to have sex with this frequency, or do you accept to have sex with this frequency? Do you prefer to be passive (= sit still) and let your partner work on you, or active and work on your partner? Which partner should be active during sex, and work on his / her partner?
Positions during sex. Do you prefer to be on top or bottom? In what positions would you prefer to have sex most of the time? What positions are the most arousing for you? What positions are the least arousing for you? Any unacceptable positions? Examples:
How long should sex usually last, including foreplay, thrusting and postlude? Examples: under 15 minutes, up to 30 minutes, up to an hour, more than an hour. How long should foreplay usually last, including massaging, petting, kissing and oral stimulation? Examples:
How long should thrusting last, during a session of sex? Examples:
How would you tell / encourage your partner to end a session of sex which is taking too long for you? Examples:
How often would you like to initiate sex? How often would you like your partner to initiate sex? Examples: never, sometimes, half of the time, most of the time. How would you initiate sex? How should your partner initiate sex? Give some details about the words that you would use, or about how you would touch the partner's body. Do not touch the body of the other person, just explain! [See Preventing conflict for details.] Examples:
When sex is initiated by one partner but the other doesn't want it, how should the initiator be refused? Examples to say: "Not today", "I'm not in the mood", "I'm too tired", "I have a headache". If sex is refused by one partner, what alternative activity is acceptable? Examples: none, looking in each other's eyes, spooning (= with almost no hand movement, and no rubbing), cuddling (= with some hand movement on the body, and a bit of rubbing), putting the fingers inside the vagina (and keeping them inside, without rubbing), separate masturbation. [For the woman to answer first] Do you want to make love, or to fuck? Do you want to be made love to, or to be fucked? [If the woman hesitates, the man should ask "You don't have the courage to admit? ... Do you want to be fucked?"] How should sex usually be? Answer separately for it should start and for it should be after that. Examples: limited to reproduction, restricted, refrained, tame, delicate, romantic, passionate, dominant, rough, wild, primitive, unleashed, with abandonment (= I'll fully give myself to my partner, or want my partner to fully abandon to me). Would you like your partner to look into your eyes during sex? How much time should such a look last? How often should this happen during a session of sex? Would you like to ask for it to happen? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often. [When you look in someone's eyes, focus on a single eye, on a single point. Don't switch your focus between his / her eyes.] Would you enjoy seeing your partner's orgasm? [Usual visible signs of orgasm: body-wide rigidity and spasms, contracted face, contracted or opened mouth, firm or fast pelvic movements. The internal pelvic contractions are not necessarily visible; the perineum, vulva and vagina can show these contractions directly, while the penis shows them through ejaculation.] Noise during sex: quiet or noisy? Answer separately what you prefer to do, and what you prefer your partner to do. Examples of quiet noises: as quiet as possible, only body sounds, puffing air out through the nose or mouth, heavy breathing, occasional whimpers (short and soft sounds) or moans (long and soft sounds), many whimpers, many moans, arousing whispers that can't be understood, arousing whispers that can be understood. Examples of loud noises: loud moans, talking. Noise during orgasm. During sex, do you like to have pauses without thrusting, stay embraced with penetration, or engage in other kinds of stimulation (like oral or massaging), or should thrusting be continuous until orgasm? How long can the pauses be at most: tens of seconds, minutes, tens of minutes? How often should this happen during a session of sex? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often. Having sex in front of a mirror. Would you like to be prominently visible and admired by your partner in the mirror, during sex? Would you like your partner to be prominently visible and admired by you in the mirror? What do you think about having improvised sex, whenever your partner simply takes you, even if you're doing something else? Improvised sex means quick sex in uncomfortable positions and in the nearest available location, so not in bed, but somewhere like on a table / desk, standing (maybe leaning against some furniture or wall), or crammed into a couch. [While the surprise element of improvised sex can keep the sex life interesting, women are usually not interested in sex without foreplay because the vagina requires time to lubricate, else the sex is painful for them, so you may have to use artificial lubrication. The man should keep a condom in his pocket, for such occasions.] Do you like teasing, be it through words or gestures? Desired physical teasing without penetration. Examples: body massage, genital organs massage, penis rubbed on vulva and vaginal entrance, breasts and nipple stimulation (with mouth, fingers, penis), feather over skin, soft textile material (like silk) over skin, soft whipping. What do you think about getting naked whenever your partner asks you to undress, even if you're doing something else, in order to look at your body for a few minutes? What do you think about getting naked and staying where your partner puts you, in whatever position your partner wants, in order to look at your body for a few minutes? Do you feel it's interesting to amplify your pleasure by having several body areas stimulated at the same time? For example, a woman could have 6 areas stimulated by her partner, through: oral penetration with the penis, vaginal penetration with a vibrator which has an extension that can stimulate the clitoris at the same time, anal penetration with another vibrator, and rubbing her breasts with the man's hands. Sex toys: vibrators, dildos, others. Is it fine to use them during sex? Is it fine if your partner uses them separately from the sex with you? Multiple orgasms. For how long after an orgasm is your penis / clitoris too sensitive to be stimulated? After an orgasm, can you have another one within 10 minutes? [For the woman to answer] Do you squirt / ejaculate during orgasm? If the answer is "No", would you like to be able to do it? After sex activity. Examples: tight body contact with penetration, tight body contact without penetration, looking in each other's eyes, spooning (= with almost no hand movement, and no rubbing), cuddling (= with some hand movement on the body, and a bit of rubbing), putting the fingers in the vagina (and keeping them inside), sleep, talk, do the dishes, smoke. If you would like to fall asleep spooning your partner, what part of your his / her body would you like to hold? Examples: chest / breasts, abdomen, hip, genital organs. What do you find arousing? What do you find erotic? When would you prefer to talk with your partner about what should change in the way you two will have sex in the future? Examples: never, before sex, during sex, after sex, while making dinner, during a stroll (so there is no eye contact). If you are asked to change certain things, would you change accordingly? [See questions to ask after a session of sex.]
Likes and dislikesThe things that you like sex for. From the list of statements below, specify maximum 3 that are most important to you; you can add your own statements. GAMIFY. Examples:
The things that you dislike sex for. From the list of statements below, specify maximum 3 that are most important to you; you can add your own statements. GAMIFY. Examples:
DirectionsDo you agree that the giver of sex (= the one who thrusts, licks) should:
Expressions:
Explicit talking (dirty talking)Explicit talking (commonly known as dirty talking) means saying out loud, in great detail, what you do, feel, see and want during sex, how good the sex is for you and with you, how much you like what is happening, and how much your partner should like what is happening. Do you like explicit talking? Answer separately for saying the words and for hearing the words. How often should explicit talking happen during a session of sex? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often. If there any word or expression that you really dislike and think that your partner might say to you during sex? Use a confident and bold attitude which shows that you know how to give and take pleasure through your words and actions. Explicit talking should involve prolonged eye contact, especially by requesting it from the partner, should be whispered, should be said with conviction, and should include references to both the speaker and the listener, like "I'm doing [action] to you." From time to time, the speaker should request the listener to repeat from his / her point of view what was said, like "You're doing [action] to me." Referring to the speaker and to the listener in the third person, detached from the actual couple, as if they are other people, is very useful during dominant - submissive sex. Various forms of addressing can be used, like "man", "woman", "sir", "lady", "gentleman", "madam", and even insulting words. For example, "A man is doing [action] to this woman." In particular, by referring to the submissive person in the third person, he / she will feel like he / she is not the target of the action, but as if he / she is watching the action being done to another person. This relieves some of the guilt that many people feel for liking sex passionately, let's them feel safe from danger (similar to people watching a storm from the safety of a home), and allows pleasure to intensify and become predominant. The short expressions that are in brackets have to be replaced with something, by the person who reads the topic. For example, [body part] should be replaced with a body part. [insult] and [self-deprecation] should be replaced with something meant to refer to a promiscuous person. Examples of explicit talking:
Dominant talkingDominant talking, a form of explicit talking, means telling the partner how weak and submissive he / she is, and instructing him / her what to do as a submissive person or sex toy, in detail. Do you like dominant talking? How often should dominant talking happen during a session of sex? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often. Dominant talking should be done with a confident and bold attitude which shows that you know how to take pleasure (from your partner) through your actions, and should have a low sound volume (even whispered). Examples of dominant talking:
Examples of (strong) detached talking:
Insulting talkingInsulting / offensive talking, a form of explicit talking, means saying to, or hearing from, your partner insulting words that are meant to refer to a promiscuous person or an uninteresting sexual partner, like "slut", "whore", "bitch", "cunt". Should be discussed together with the "Self-deprecating talking" section below. Do you like insulting talking? Answer separately for wanting to say the words, and for wanting to hear them. How often should insulting talking happen during a session of sex? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often. Use a confident and bold attitude which shows that you know how to take pleasure (from your partner) through your actions. Insulting talking should involve prolonged eye contact, especially by requesting it from the partner, should be whispered, and should be said with conviction, like "You're my [insult]." From time to time, the speaker should request the listener to repeat what was said, from his / her point of view, in the form of self-deprecation. Examples of insulting talking:
Self-deprecating talkingSelf-deprecating talking, a form of explicit talking, means saying to, or hearing from, your partner self-deprecating words like "slut", "whore", "cunt". Do you like self-deprecating talking? Answer separately for wanting to say the words, and for wanting to hear them. How often should self-deprecating talking happen during a session of sex? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often. Self-deprecating talking can include expressions showing that the submissive partner is submissive, but also has control over what is happening. Use a shy but lusty attitude which shows your willingness to give pleasure (to your partner) through your words and actions. Self-deprecating talking should be whispered, and should include a reference to the speaker, like "I'm your [self-deprecation]." Examples of self-deprecating talking:
Submissive talkingSubmissive talking, a form of explicit talking, means telling the partner how weak and submissive you are. Do you like submissive talking? How often should submissive talking happen during a session of sex? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often. Use a shy but lusty attitude which shows your willingness to give pleasure (to your partner) through your actions. Submissive talking should be whispered. Examples of submissive talking:
DominationIn general, domination is a destructive behavior whose goal is to control someone else, and which is achieved using intimidation, either physical or mental. However, during sex, domination can be role played, that is, can be faked with the agreement of both partners, as it can amplify pleasure. At the end of this section, there is an explanation about why women like to be dominated during sex. Domination should always be combined with teasing and explicit talking in order to build tension and desire in the partner who is being dominated. [For the woman to answer first] Would you like to be mostly submissive or dominant during sex? Would you like your partner to be mostly submissive or dominant during sex? Examples:
Do you feel pleasure thinking that your partner feels pleasure while being submissive to you? Do you feel pleasure thinking that your partner feels pleasure while dominating you? Do you feel pleasure thinking that you would be submissive to your partner? Do you feel pleasure thinking that you would dominate your partner? [For the man to answer] Think about a dominating sexual act that you want to do to your partner, something that your partner may have to think carefully before accepting. Examples: anal sex, deep-throat. Normally, you are the giver and your partner is the receiver. Now think that your minds swap bodies. Would you want your partner to do that act to you, in your new body? What would you feel as the receiver? Examples:
[For the woman to answer] Are you a good girl? A good girl must follow authority, so she must do what she's instructed by the man. If she follows authority and completes the instructions, she may be rewarded as the man wishes, or she may be allowed to ask for a reward. [For the woman to answer] Are you a bad girl? A bad girl must be punished, so she must do what she's instructed by the man. If the punishment is complete, she may be rewarded as the man wishes, or she may be allowed to ask for a reward (but she must say "May I ask for ... ?") [For the woman to answer first] Do you have to be disciplined / punished / dominated / insulted / humiliated sexually for your naughtiness, disobedience, lewdness or even for being too nice / good? Say the reason why you have to be punished. Would you like to punish your partner? Say the reason why your partner has to be punished. [For the woman to answer first] Would you like to be used as a sex toy rather than a person, and your partner to possess and use your body to exclusively satisfy all his / her sexual pleasures, even if he / she is rough to your body (but not hurtful)? Would this make you feel a combination of fear, arousal, abandonment and relaxation? Would you like to use your partner as a sex toy? [For the woman to answer first] Would you like to watch how your body is being used for sex? Would you like to feel like you're outside of your body and have no control over it, while your partner is using it to satisfy all his / her sexual desires? What if you were being "forced" to look at how your body is being used for sex? [For the woman to answer] Do you have to be trained hard for sex in order to become better for your partner? Should you be trained for all types of sex (vaginal, oral, deep-throat, anal), or are you already expert in any? Would you thank your partner for training you, while you're being trained? [For the man to answer] Do you want to train your partner for sex until she becomes good enough for you? Being restrained / tied up. Would you want to be tied up, with what (cuffs, rope) and in what position (spread on the bed, ankles behind your ears)? Would you want to tie up your partner? Being blindfolded and wearing earplugs. If you were tied up, blindfolded and wearing earplugs, you would not know who is having sex with you. If your partner were to spray on a piece of paper a fragrance that he / she doesn't otherwise use, and place it so that you can smell it, you could really think it's someone else. In theory, your partner could really bring someone else to have sex with you, and you wouldn't know. How do you feel about not knowing? Slapping the woman's face with the penis. Following a session of domination, the partner who was dominant must slowly reintroduce the partner who was submissive back to the normal world. What should the dominant partner do (and how long should this process take)? Examples:
ExplanationWhy do many women like to be dominated by their men partners during sex, even though they otherwise hate being powerless in front of men? This conflicting emotion is equivalent to a pattern of safe danger, a mix of trust and fear, something similar to people watching a storm from the safety of a home, or pups and kittens playing by simulating enemies and fighting. The elements that create the emotional conflict are:
The interaction of these elements creates an uncertainty about the behavior of a man who could potentially physically hurt or leave the woman at any moment. She wants to reproduce with that man, so she wants to trust him enough, but isn't sure what he'll do during sex and afterwards (when she needs the resources to raise the children). This uncertainty produces emotions ranging from fear to pleasure. The trust part of the mix has to be present in order to get the woman into a context where she cognitively understands that she will not get hurt, and that the man would provide the resources necessary to raise the children. What comes next defies common sense and is the reason why nice guys aren't successful with women: they think that trust is the way to sexually arouse a woman. In a completely trusted environment, in the absence of even a slight fear, where the woman has the guaranteed commitment of the man, she doesn't feel the need to be clingy. A slight fear has to be present in order to make the woman clingy, because this fear makes her default to her instinctual reactions where all evolved behavior is (temporarily) suspended. For most women, clinginess leads to a slight desperation (of potentially losing the partner), which leads to a slightly manipulative behavior, which leads to passion meant to show the man that he has a strong reason to stay with the woman. If the fear is low, the survival instinct remains a low priority because the man is safe enough; this low level of fear makes the difference between a partner and an aggressor. The fear must be high enough to trigger the defaulting, but low enough to keep the survival instinct inactive. By ensuring that fear stays present to some extent, domination provides a glimpse into the raw nature of a human, a glimpse of the edge between the biological machine and the evolved human. If the man can keep an optimum balance between trust and fear, the woman's mind will stop trying to instinctually protect the body, as if the body belongs to someone else, and as if it's that person's responsibility to protect it. That's when the woman's abandonment starts / occurs because she's relieved of the pressure to protect her body. Like a receding tide exposing land, all that remains active is the reproductive instinct. That is the point where the biological machine doesn't know what to do: stay because it's safe, or run to feel safe; instead, it tries to reproduce because reproduction guarantees a future. That's when the woman feels relieved of the responsibility to defend her body (from men), especially if the man refers to her body as if it belongs to another woman (because she feels that her body is another woman), and she fully relinquishes all opposition to what the man does to her body because now it's the man's responsibility to protect it. That's when she starts whimpering unconsciously and uncontrollably, feeling like clay in the man's hands. Ironically, women become their own enemies because they instinctually want to feel safer, and want the guaranteed commitment of men to provide resources, so they manipulate men in that direction, but at the same time they lose any reason to be clingy, and therefore lose their passion. Women feel safer around men they can manipulate, but they aren't aroused by those men. Any man who wants to make a woman feel pleasure this way must be very careful with the balance between trust and fear. The fear must be subtle, like the uncertainty produced by a bad boy (a man who chooses the woman, and isn't waiting for the woman to choose him), not like the fear produced by an aggressor (through intimidation). The reason why bad boys are successful is that they are not safe... but are safe enough. In order to make the woman return safely from that point where she felt that her body was fully used by the man, as he wanted, one thing that the man can do is to lie on the bed on his back, put the woman on top of him, envelop her (with his arms or with a cover) and let her whimper until she quiets down. This body language will show her that she's not alone (loneliness which women may feel when they see their body being used during sex) and she's free to choose, so she enters back in the world of behaviorally evolved humans. The source of any awkwardness present during sex is the fearful body language of the person who should be in control, lead and dominate, which is usually the man. It's the man's responsibility to build his confidence to the level where it doesn't feel awkward for either partner to engage in dominant sex. If the man were to lead with confidence, care and attention to details, making the woman feel safe to abandon herself to the sexual passion she feels for the man, she would follow him on paths she never imagined would be acceptable.
Rough sexDelicate and rough sex. How much delicate, how much rough? If you don't know whether you like rough sex, should the roughness start from a light intensity and increase progressively until you discover your limits? Would you like your partner to behave like a brute with your body, without actually hurting you? How rough or delicate should talking be? Should gestures and talking be in contrast (one rough, one delicate)? Hair pulling. Forcefully pushing the chin up to expose the front of the neck, or down to expose the back of the neck. Tossing and flipping the body around. Dominating grip (applying significant pressure on the body, usually with the hands), pinning down (by holding the hands or wrists). Slapping with the hand the: buttocks, face, other body parts. Holding firmly the neck with a hand, light choking (not asphyxiation). SAFETY TIPS: Hold the upper part of the neck, right under the jaw. Never push on the neck because that could accidentally produce a fatal pressure! Avoid especially pushing on the front part and on Adam's apple. Never lean with your body weight over the neck, while your hand is on the neck! When you are both horizontal, keep your arm on the chest of your partner! Be very careful not to slip with your body weight toward the neck, while your hand is over the neck! Penetration with thick objects. Forced deep-throat. Physical pain.
Rough sex safetyEngaging in rough sex requires the existence of a safety language which allows the dominated partner to direct how the domination must change, by saying simple words. Here are simple words that you can use:
What intensity should rough sex normally have? Examples:
If the intensity of rough sex escalates over the agreed level, like mutual slapping turning into hitting, agree on a maximum allowed intensity. If the maximum is exceeded, you agree to stop without further action and pause for a few minutes; go do something else. Examples: not acceptable to escalate, medium, tough, unspeakable. Is crying the equivalent of the safeword? Crying means more than the eyes getting a bit wet, it means the presence of dripping tears or sobbing. Should rough sex stop if tears start dripping from the eyes of one of the partners? Should rough sex stop if one of the partners starts sobbing? It's highly recommended to stop.
Sexual fantasiesA sexual fantasy is a scenario to think about, a story to immerse yourself into, not necessarily something to do in real life, due to safety concerns, shame or feeling that fulfilling it would spoil you, your innocence. A sexual fantasy is about something that you don't have or can't have in your real life. For most people, romance is not a sexual fantasy, but is a romantic fantasy because they can have it without feeling shame. For people who had past experiences that left them unable to ever experience romance again, romance can become a sexual fantasy. A fantasy brings diversity / variety and novelty to the mind, mind which otherwise gets bored quickly, but without the potential risks of actually fulfilling the fantasy. Sexual fantasies and rough sex are like watching a storm from the safety of a solid home, that is, they are pleasurable because they let you observe the roughness of Nature from a safe place. For most people, storm watching and sexual fantasies exist because they want to feel explicitly safe, not because they want to feel in danger. However, people who want to get out in the storm and people who want to fulfill some sexual fantasies, do feel some need to be in danger. Role playing is simulating a fantasy, that is, only you and your partner are physically involved in the role play, even if the fantasy includes other imaginary people. The stories used during role play don't have to be real, and should be exaggerated to create the maximum effect. You should take turns telling one fantasy at a time. See fantasy examples below. What do you think about sexual fantasies? Examples:
Detail your sexual fantasies. How much pleasure do you feel when you think about them? Some fantasies are present in the mind but don't produce pleasure. Role play. Would you like your partner to act like someone else during sex? Examples: a stranger, neighbor, coworker, delivery person, teacher, nurse. How often? Which fantasies would you like to role play? Describe how you imagine role playing happening; perhaps keep some details to yourself, to maintain some element of surprise. How much would you like to make these fantasies happen in real life, and in what role? Examples: only as an observer, as an active participant.
Sexual fantasy examplesSex in a secluded public location, like a forest, a corn field, a back hallway or room where people don't normally go into. Sex in a secluded private location, like a cabin in the mountains. Sex in a friend's or stranger's house. Sex at night, in a room with the lights turned on / off, in front of the open window. Sex for the first time, in a romantic way. Sex for the first time, in a rough way. Sex for the first time, with a much older partner. Having sex at a resort, with the balcony door open, when a person from the adjacent room leans over into our balcony to watch us. Alternatives: that person jumps into our balcony and enters our room to watch closer, that person and his / her the partner jump into our balcony and we swap partners. My partner telling me that I'm good for sex, but that he / she loves someone else. Being used by a partner who then abandons me. Alternative: this happens when I have sex for the first time. My partner talking how good it was when he / she had sex with other people (before the two of us got in a relationship), and implying that it was better with them. Being tied up, blindfolded, wearing earplugs, not knowing who is having sex with me. Having several holes filled by penises, at the same time. [Which holes? What positions?] Seeing several of my partner's holes filled by penises. [Which holes? What positions?] Being watched while I'm having sex with my partner. Being looked in the eyes by someone other than my partner, while I'm having sex with my partner. [Do you have someone specific in mind? Should that person be a man or a woman?] Walking through a remote train depot, among empty trains, when a strongly tanned worker, half-dressed because of the torrid summer, stops me and asks what I am doing there. I say something only half coherent about going to see a friend, not wanting to expose that I wanted this kind of encounter to happen. He starts making lewd propositions to me. I want to say words that politely decline his propositions, but also insinuate that he should continue, all while trying to not be too obvious that I'm looking at the sweat dripping down his skin and muscular body. Eventually, we get in a train and find a dusty compartment where he does what he wants to me. Light rays become visible through the dust particles raised by his vigorous thrusting. 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3... He uses my body in the rhythm of a moving train. I can hear the same rhythm in his skin slamming onto mine. He makes me feel like I'm desired with virile passion. He finishes all over me, like the brute that he is. After admiring his work, he ties me up and leaves. As he walks away, he says that he'll come back later to do me another round, and that I should mind the vagrants that sometimes walk around. I am powerless and exposed to him and to anyone else who would walk by. Being caught by a train conductor when I have no ticket. Scenarios: there are no other people in the train, the train is full of people but the conductor has a private compartment. Being stranded in a place with no rules and no laws, like a post-apocalyptic world, and either having to have sex to survive, or being forced to have sex because I am powerless. Being captured as a spy and forced to have sex in order to make me confess. Auditioning for the first time to be a porn actor / actress, being rejected for not being good enough, and being told that I could be accepted if I went through training (with the same person). Watching my partner having sex with someone else. Being watched by my partner while I'm having sex with someone else. Sex with my partner and another man. Sex with my partner and another woman. Sex with other people, like a stranger, neighbor, coworker, delivery person, teacher, nurse. Swapping partners with one or more couples. Having sex at a sex party. This includes having sex with several people, watching other people having sex, and being watched by other people while I'm having sex. Being watched by a large audience when I'm having sex with one or several people at the same time. Alternative: someone dominates / overpowers me and makes me have sex. The audience could be made by: strangers (at a party, in the street, construction workers), coworkers (in the office), college students (in a dorm, in a classroom, during a lesson about anatomy and sexuality). Being physically controlled by someone, like a stranger or an authority figure, and being unable to make decisions myself. The controller doesn't care about my pleasure and treats me like an object to be used either by himself / herself or by others (like strangers, my colleagues, or his / her friends). Alternative: I resist being controlled (so the controller has to become more dominant). Being physically controlled by several people who don't care about my pleasure and treat me like an object to be used for the pleasure of others. Those people could be: strangers (at a party, in the street, construction workers), coworkers (in the office), college students (in a dorm, in a classroom, during a lesson about anatomy and sexuality). Swapping bodies: the man becomes the woman, the woman becomes the man. Having sex with someone of the same gender.
Oral sex[For the woman to answer first] What do you think about fellatio (= oral stimulation of the penis) and cunnilingus (= oral stimulation of the vulva and clitoris)? Deep-throat? Facesitting (= sitting with the genital organs on partner's face)? Answer separately as receiver and giver. Examples:
[For the man to answer first] Why does a man like to ejaculate in the mouth and on the face of a woman? Examples:
[For the woman to answer] If the man has an orgasm in your mouth, what would you do with the semen? Examples:
[For the woman to answer] Considering that the man is required to avoid ejaculating in your eyes (semen is irritating for the eyes), nose, ears and hair, on which or in which other body parts is the man required to avoid ejaculating?
Anal sex[For the woman to answer first] What do you think about anal sex? Answer separately as receiver and as giver. [Read this before categorically denying anal sex.] Examples:
[For the man to answer first] Why does a man like to have anal sex with a woman? Examples:
SuprisesThis section contains possible actions, not conversation topics. By definition, surprises can happen only when the surprised person doesn't expect them, so they must be random in time. Most of them should happen a few days or weeks apart, but they can sometimes happen in consecutive days (as a surprising change in the frequency of the actual surprise.) Surprises should tease the surprised partner, in order to amplify the effect. One way to do this is for the person making the surprise to act as if there is no surprise, as if nothing is unusual, perhaps not even acknowledging the presence of the surprised partner (so not saying anything, not looking at what the surprised partner does, and maybe even remaining still). Men are willing to have sex at pretty much any moment, whereas women may have to be brought in the necessary mental state, which is a reason why they don't usually initiate sex. A woman can easily surprise a man by showing her availability for sex when he doesn't expect it. When the man goes to another room for a short time, the woman should get naked and do what? Examples:
A man who is surprised like this can tease the woman by ignoring her. The man could:
CondomsCondoms should be used during sex because they have the highest contraceptive efficacy (similar with hormonal implants), don't affect the hormonal balance of either partner, make hygiene easier, and protect from sexually transmissible diseases. The condom size should be about the penis girth (in the middle) multiplied with 0.42. See the details about choosing the correct condom size. After sex with a condom, fill it with water and check if it's leaking. A leak indicates that the condom has a puncture, so the partners are exposed to sexually transmissible diseases, and the woman could get pregnant. In such a case, to avoid pregnancy, during the next few days you can contact a medical doctor to get emergency contraception. Men should always use condoms, unless they are willing to become fathers. Some women intentionally skip their own birth control method, like the pill, usually around 30 years old, in order to get pregnant and force the men to marry them and pay for raising the children. Some women retrieve condoms from the trash bin and try to impregnate themselves with the semen that is still inside. To mitigate this, wash the condom inside, after finishing; if you are paranoid enough, you could spray some disinfectant in the condom; the disinfectant should be colored or stinky to be evident. Don't flush condoms in the toilet. Condoms should always be used during sex, with very few exceptions. Which are those exceptions? Examples:
In the past 12 months, did you have any type of sex without using condoms? Did you ever have any type of sex without a condom? [For the woman to answer] If you tell a man that he's the father of your child, do you agree for him to get a DNA test in order to be sure?
VariousPreferred type of sex. Answer separately for what you prefer to do often, and for what it feels to be very passionate and intimate to you. Is there a type of sex that you would like to have much more than all the other types? Examples: vaginal, fellatio (= oral stimulation of the penis), cunnilingus (= oral stimulation of the vulva and clitoris), anal. What you like and dislike for every type of sex: vaginal, fellatio, cunnilingus, anal. Discuss other types of sex, if desired to have or avoid. What kind of sex is acceptable during the days with menstruation? Examples: none, fellatio (= oral stimulation of the penis), clitoral stimulation, anal, vaginal. How do you feel about being very gently woken up by your partner, or waking up your partner, to (agree to) have sex in the middle of the night? While you sleep, is it acceptable for your partner to start stimulating you sexually, especially your genital organs and breasts? Is it acceptable for your partner to insert fingers / penis in your vagina or anus? Would you like to sexually stimulate your partner while he / she is sleeping? Sex when you're tired. Examples: none, only oral sex, the usual type but slow. Sex when you're stressed. Examples: none, only oral sex, the usual type but slow, the usual type in order to release the stress. Masturbation. Have you ever done it and how often? Did you use toys, like vibrators or dildos? Is it fine if your partner continues to masturbate during the relationship with you? If it's not fine, would you fulfill your partner's sexual needs whenever he / she asks, so that he / she doesn't need to masturbate? Don't take the last question as a demand to feel obligated to fulfill your partner's sexual needs and fantasies, answer what you want to do. If your partner asks, would you masturbate in front of him / her until orgasm, to show him / her the spectacle of your body, and to show what makes you feel pleasure (so that he / she can learn what to do to you)? What do you think about mutual / reciprocal masturbation, where each partner masturbates the other (not at the same time)? Pornography. Have you ever watched pornography? Are you still watching? What categories do you find interesting? What do you think about the pornography where independent amateur couples publicly share their sexual activities, in a do-it-yourself manner? What did you learn from watching pornography? What do you dislike about pornography? Are you upset if your partner has watched pornography before you've met? Is it fine if your partner continues to watch? If it's not fine, would you fulfill your partner's sexual needs and fantasies whenever he / she asks, so that he / she doesn't need to watch pornography? Don't take the last question as a demand to feel obligated to fulfill your partner's sexual needs and fantasies, answer what you want to do. If your partner asks you for sex but you don't want, are you fine with your partner masturbating? Are you fine with him / her watching pornography? Are you fine if your partner does these things in the room where you are, provided that he / she doesn't disturb you directly, or should he / she do it in another room? Do you have a fetish? A fetish is usually something non-sexual that has to happen in order for someone to become sexually aroused, something other than thinking about having sex and physical stimulation of the erogenous areas (like the genital organs and breasts). Do other people have, or are there on the Internet, photos or videos of you nude or while you were having sex? Nude during a videochat. Have you done this? Would you do it? How would you feel about your partner taking photos and videos of you during sex? Would it be acceptable and under what conditions? Would it be fine to take such photos and videos, watch them after sex and then delete them immediately? Would it be fine to take such photos and videos if your face were not visible in them? [It's strongly recommended to avoid doing this at the beginning of a relationship. It's strongly recommended to keep such photos and videos on a computer which is not connected to the Internet, preferably in an encrypted form. See safety tips.] Examples:
Telling your friends details about your sex life. To which friends would you tell such details? How detailed would you be? Would you talk about what your partner does during sex? Would you talk about your partner's sexual fantasies? Why do men like to see women holding and caressing their breasts? Examples: it shows her sensuality and desire, it feels like an offer to the man watching. Why do men like breasts? If you think that it's because it reminds men of being breast-fed, why don't women share the same interest for breasts, even though they had the same experience. Also, while they are hidden, there are other hidden body parts which don't present the same interest, like the armpits. Could it be because breasts are playful (large, soft and wobbly)? Farting during sex, when you can't just go to the bathroom. Examples: not acceptable, is acceptable, is acceptable but the person doing it must be punished sexually. [For the woman to answer] How do you feel during the days with menstruation? Do you use internal tampons or external pads? Is there anything else that you would like to tell the man about menstruation? Tip: men may care about your body and health, but most aren't interested in graphic details about menstruation.
Between UsThis section is about you two, not about generic partners. Tell me something interesting about your genital organs. Are you sexually aroused by my presence? [For the woman to answer] Let's say that in the next moment we suddenly find ourselves on a small island, in the middle of nowhere, alone. We are forever lost in time and space. You are lying on the ground, tied up and naked. Your legs are spread wide and everything is visible. You are powerless. What do you feel that I would do next, and why would I do it? You may not ask for clarifications, you may not say "It depends", you may not say "I'm not sure." What do you feel? [For the man to answer] In the above scenario, seeing me like that, what would you do? The answer may depend on my response for the above topic. [For the woman to answer first. The man should rephrase the examples form his point of view, if necessary.] Describe the sexual passion that you feel for me. From the list of statements below, specify maximum 2 that are most important to you; you can add your own statements. GAMIFY. Examples:
How would you like sex to usually happen between us? Describe what's mostly present in your mind. There is no need to be precise. What's the most important thing that you would like me to do for you, during sex? The most intimate thing that you're willing to do for me during sex.
Scent of a womanSkip this topic if you didn't agreed to do cunnilingus (= oral stimulation of the vulva and clitoris). While a clean penis has no smell, a vagina shouldn't be cleaned to the same degree because it would become exposed to infections. The scent and taste of a vagina may range from arousing to repulsive, depending on the man, woman, state of arousal, moment during the menstrual cycle, eaten food, alcohol ingestion and medication. The scent should be most attractive around ovulation, and least attractive during menstruation. The same is true for the woman's perspiration. The difference is usually unnoticeable, but can be dramatic. This is the body's way to indicate a woman's most and least fertile times. An incompatibility in the form of a regular perception of an unpleasant scent or taste would usually be discovered only during sex, and may lead to breakups without the man specifying the reason, although this may be rare, especially because cunnilingus can be avoided. Some men can sometimes smell the vaginal scent of dressed women, especially if a shared bathroom is used. It's possible to choose to smell the vaginal scent before sex. Because of the variations of the scent and taste, this should be done several times over a menstrual cycle, preferably just before ovulation. Before doing this, the woman should be as clean as she would be for cunnilingus. Should the man smell the vaginal scent before sex? Does this idea make you fearful and aroused at the same time? Examples:
Personal virginityAre you still virgin? If the answer is "Yes", why are you still virgin? Examples:
If you are still virgin, what was the closest you have been to having sex? Examples: kissing, cuddling, petting, naked in front of a person of interest, I've ejaculated on / in a woman, a man has ejaculated on / in me. If you are still virgin, would you like me to be your first sexual partner? What age were you when you've lost your virginity? How did you feel when you've lost your virginity?
JealousyJealousy stems from a biological imperative to guarantee that the jealous person is the one making children with his / her partner, so that his / her genes are surviving, not someone else's. Is it acceptable for you and your long-term partner to look at and admire other people, like strangers passing by, that you / he / she finds attractive? Is it acceptable to follow such stranger with the eyes, maybe even turn the head, as they pass by? This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like embracing, kissing, petting or sex) with the other people, following the principle "look but don't touch". Can this happen when you are nearby? All people who are in relationships will be physically attracted to strangers, at various times, and denying them the pleasure of admiring others will result in frustration and even pain. So long as they have self control, is it acceptable for them to let their fantasy run wild for a bit? Is it acceptable for you and your long-term partner to fantasize about having sex with other people? This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like embracing, kissing, petting or sex) with the other people, following the principle "look but don't touch". If you're afraid that such fantasizing would lead to cheating, ask the other person if he / she has ever fantasized this way, and whether he / she was able to remain faithful or abstinent. If he / she did either then there is no reason for you to fear such fantasizing. Until what moment is it acceptable for you and your partner to give compliments to other people, but without flirting further. This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like embracing, kissing, petting or sex) with the other people, following the principle "look but don't touch". Can this happen when you two are nearby? Examples: until we have our first sex together, until we agree to be in a sexually monogamous relationship. Until what moment is it acceptable for you and your partner to flirt with other people? This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like embracing, kissing, petting or sex) with the other people, following the principle "look but don't touch". Can this happen when you two are nearby? Examples: until we have our first sex together, until we agree to be in a sexually monogamous relationship. If your partner has to go for a genital or breasts medical checkup, what gender would you prefer the physician to have? Examples: not important, man, woman. It's understood that there are serious medical cases when it's not possible to choose the gender of the physician. How much does it matter? Have you been to such a medical consultation? What was the gender of the physician? Touching people that you're not sexually involved with, people of the gender you're attracted to, people like friends, relatives and acquaintances. Talk separately about embracing / hugging, pecking, kissing, petting and dancing. Specify your expectations and boundaries. What would you do if, at a party, a person of the gender you're attracted to were to ask you to dance with him / her? Examples: accept, accept only if I'm extremely attracted to that person, accept only close relatives and close friends, accept only if my partner is fine with this, refuse. Exhibitionism. How exhibitionist would you say you are? How would a potential partner have to dress in order for you to say he / she is too exhibitionist? Do you use skimpy outfits to show off your body in public? What kind of cleavage on a woman is too exhibitionist for you? Do you use a tiny swimsuit or a covering one? Are your buttocks mostly exposed or mostly covered by the swimsuit? Describe your swimsuit. How would you react if you were to see your partner talking alone with someone that he / she may be attracted to, someone that you don't know? What would you feel and how would you react if you were to see them touching (except for a handshake)? Would you call your partner often to check where he / she is, who he / she is with and what he / she is doing? Have you ever or would you ever ask your partner to send you photos taken with his / her smartphone, as proof of what he / she says? Checking each other's devices (like phone, tablet, computer) from time to time, out of jealousy. Is it acceptable? Examples: no, yes, only if he / she is sexually submissive while he / she is looking through the device. Is it required? Is it acceptable to do this without the knowledge of your partner? Knowing the passwords for each other's devices and online accounts (like email and social networks). Is it acceptable? For security reasons, it's strongly recommended to not give any of your passwords to other people, especially those passwords that allow access to your computers; it's less important for online accounts. If for privacy and security reasons the partners don't have access to each other's smartphone, would you accept to always put your phone face up and allow the notifications and incoming messages to be visible on the lockscreen, at least when you are at home? After what hour of the day should texting (and calling) with other people (even family members) stop? Examples: 10 at night, midnight, just before getting into bed. Talk about jealousy for any topic which was not already discussed. State your expectations from and boundaries for a relationship. State the intensity of your needs. Your past relationships. How long did each last and why did it end? If one relationship was bad for a long time, why did you stay in it for that long? From what you now know about me, would you trust me to spend several hours alone, in public, with someone that I find sexually attractive?
PrivacyDo you have sheer / translucent curtains and opaque curtains on your home's windows? Do you walk naked in front of the videocameras from laptops, phones, TVs, surveillance systems and other devices? Have you covered such videocameras with adhesive tape? [If you don't know why you should cover such videocameras, read what happened in the case of Miss Teen USA.] How do you feel about having videocameras in the home, in devices like laptops, TVs, indoor security cameras? Answer separately for different areas of the home, like bedroom, livingroom, yard. How do you feel about having microphones in the home, in devices like TVs, speakers, remote controls? Phones also have microphones, but can be placed outside of living areas (or in boxes).
Living togetherDo you work during the day? Do you work night shifts? At what time do you usually go to sleep? Is it different in the weekends? What do you like to do before you go to sleep alone? Examples: go directly to sleep, use the computer, watch TV, read a book. How heavy or light do you usually sleep? Do you wake up because of various noises you hear from neighbors? Do you sleep with earplugs? Do you like to have opaque curtains on the windows, to block the early sunlight? At what time do you usually wake up? Is it different in the weekends? Energy in the morning, after you wake up. Are you noisy when you wake up? Do you want to talk to someone, or do you need some quiet time to go through the morning rituals? Do you nap during the day? Type of mattress and pillow that you like to sleep on. Slippers. How do you walk around the house? Examples: barefoot, with slippers, with shoes. What kind of clothes do you wear when you're at home? Where do you change in and out of your outdoor clothes? Examples: bathroom, bedroom, walk-in wardrobe. Do you need to have the clothes ironed? What about the bed sheets? Could you let the dishes unwashed over night? Toothpaste tube cap: on or off? Toilet seat position: up or down. When flushing, some toilets splash water from the bowl onto the rim, so on the seat (if it's down). Toilet paper position: must roll from the top (facing the person), must roll from the bottom (facing the wall). When you and your partner are watching a movie that you've both never seen, are you asking questions like "What is happening?" or "What will happen?" If the answer is "Yes", do you realize that since your partner hasn't seen the movie, he / she can't answer your question? When during the day, and for how long, do you need to use the bathroom most, for things like showering or number 2? Do you close the bathroom door when you shower or do number 2? When you are in the bathroom, with the door closed, is it acceptable for your partner to come in? Noise that you make at home, which could disturb the neighbors. Loud music and parties. Smoking, including electronic cigarettes. Pets. Do you need to have pets when living with your partner? Home chores. Distribute the chores between partners. What would you do? What should your partner do? What are your least favorite chores? Examples of chores: taking care of the children, cooking, washing dishes, washing (and ironing) clothes, cleaning, toilet cleaning, taking out the trash.
Entertainment and relaxationWhat do you usually do to relax? What parts of the city (in which you live) do you like most? How do you usually spend your evenings and nights? What do you usually do during the weekends? Favorite physical activity, sports. Favorite boardgames, videogames. Do you like to read books? Favorite books. Favorite movies, TV shows, music, art. How much time do you watch streaming services (YouTube, Netflix)? How much time do you watch classical / broadcast television? Do you like soap operas? Do you like horror movies? Do you like to dance? How often do you go clubbing or parties to see people or to dance? Do you make comments while watching movies or TV shows? Usage of online social media. Which ones? How often do you use them? On what websites and apps do you spend most time online? Websites you use most for online purchases. How much time do you spend researching and comparing products?
HygieneIf you drop (unpackaged) food on the floor, what do you do? Examples: give it to someone who didn't see that happening, dust it off and eat it, wash it (if possible) and eat it, throw it away. Brushing your teeth, flossing, using mouthwash, using an electrical toothbrush. Do you floss and brush your teeth before you go to sleep? After you wipe or wash dirty objects (like the floor, sink, toilet), do you wash your hands with soap before touching with your hands objects like faucet handles, door knobs, light switches, clothes? What do you clean with disinfectant? Examples: kitchen countertop, tables, faucet handles, door knobs, light switches, sinks, toilet, wallet, smartphone, keys, remote control, mouse and keyboard. When you arrive home, do you wash your hands before touching things? How often do you wash your hands? How often do you shower? How often do you change your underwear and socks. Do you put your dirty clothes in the hamper? When you buy new clothes or bed linen, do you wash them before you wear them or sleep in them? When you take the trash to the bin outside the home, do you wear disposable gloves? How do you sit on a foreign but private toilet, like when you're visiting someone? How do you sit on a public toilet, like at the office? Do you sit on public benches, like those from bus stops and parks?
MoneyWho should make more money, you or your partner? How much money should each partner bring to the relationship, to pay all the bills? Examples (man - woman): 100% - 0%, 70% - 30%, 60% - 40%, 50% - 50%. How much monthly income do you realistically expect your partner to have? What about savings and real estate? You can specify a range instead of an exact value. Who should pay for the house, car(s), vacations? Handling of money. Wasting it versus hoarding it; give some examples of how you do either. Do you have savings for a few months of living without an income? What do you think about debt? Example purposes: home purchase / construction, home renovation, vacations, small purchases, credit cards. What debt do you have? Expensive habits (including hobbies), priced in money but also in time spent engaged with them. Financial risk taking. Do you like to risk money? Do you like betting? Joint bank account. What would be the maximum value of such an account? Should each partner have a separate bank account? If your partner were to lose his / her job and not find another job for 12...24 months, would that be a good time to find a better partner? What would you if you had a lot of money? What is the / a difference between successful and unsuccessful people? Examples:
Would you marry someone who has no college / education degree? Do you think that a man who has a successful career and makes a lot of money appears to be more attractive to a woman? Do you think that a woman who has a successful career and makes a lot of money appears to be more attractive to a man? Do you think that men aren't interested enough in women who have successful careers and make a lot of money? Do you think that a career woman who's trying to become accomplished by the time she's 30...40 years old, believes that accomplished men are waiting in line in order to marry her? Examples:
Balance[For the woman to answer first] On average, women marry men who make 60% more money than them. The gender pay gap is much smaller in favor of men, or is even in favor of women, yet women still want men who make a lot more money than them. What do you think that a man who makes that kind of money would get by marrying a woman who behaves in many of the following ways?
Examples of what the man would get in the scenario above:
What life owes youDo you want to receive gifts from your partner, on special days like your birthday, Valentine and Christmas? Examples: flowers, chocolate, wine, jewelry, a car, we should to buy things together so we can interact more, I don't like gifts. What is a memorable gift that you've given or received? If you're wearing makeup or jewelry, or you have dyed hair or long nails, how would you feel if you could never do that again? If you think that would never leave your house, how would you feel if you had to leave your house? If you're carrying a large handbag, how would you feel if you could never do that again and you were forced to use a tiny handbag? What objects would you absolutely have to put in the tiny handbag? How much do you want other people to respect your opinion, and tell you that you are beautiful and / or smart? How would you feel if virtually everyone ignored your opinion, and nobody told you that you are beautiful and / or smart? Do you want your partner to put you on a pedestal and treat you like a prince / princess (/ king / queen / god / goddess), in order to feel happy and satisfied? Be very serious when answering this question. Do you see your partner as a knight in a shinning armor who comes to rescue you? If the answer is "Yes", what do you have to be saved from? Is life fair? Should life be fair? If the answer is "Yes", what magic will make that happen? What do you feel when you see someone who is seem to be more successful than you, who seems to be better than you? Examples:
What do you feel when you hear of someone who is very successful financially, professionally or romantically? Do you want to have the same things as the successful person because you're just as good as he / she is? Do you want to have those things right now, or would you spend decades of your free time and life trying to build those things yourself? Is it acceptable for a man to hit his woman? Is it acceptable for a woman to hit her man? Have you ever damaged the property (physical or digital) of a partner or ex-partner, in particular because you were angry? If the answer is "Yes", what was the context? Have you ever been verbally abusive toward a partner or ex-partner? If the answer is "Yes", what was the context? Have you ever been physically abusive toward a partner or ex-partner? If the answer is "Yes", what was the context? How much do you believe in conspiracy theories? For example, do you believe that there are well known diseases which were created by some people in order to be unleashed into the world for nefarious reasons? How would things be different if such a disease were to have occurred naturally? Why does it matter for you personally whether the disease is natural or artificial? What does life owe you?
LyingWhen is it acceptable to lie to your partner? Examples:
When is it acceptable to lie to your partner about things that you know or suspect that matter a lot to him / her? If you ask your partner whether you look pretty or not, and he / she says something that you don't like, what do you think next? Examples:
Is it acceptable for a woman to get pregnant without her partner's knowledge, in any of the following ways:
Is it acceptable for someone to lie to his / her partner about being a transgender person, before they have sex?
Handling conflictPatterns that lead to a miserable relationship: disgust, insults and sarcasm, contempt (= lack of respect) and mockery, criticism, escalating arguments, stonewalling (= refusing to talk through arguments). Which of these patterns have you used before with a romantic partner, parent, child, or business partner? Do you clearly tell your partner, in words, what you want and need from him / her? If you don't tell your partner what you want, do you expect him / her to know what you want? Do you say one thing but expect you partner to do the opposite? Do you expect your partner to be able to read your mind? If you feel that you and your partner are not spending enough quality time together, and you tell him / her that, what is most likely that you would do next? Examples:
When you're upset about something that your partner did, and he / she asks you what's wrong, do you expect that he / she should know the reason (without you saying it)? Would you refuse to do what your partner wants, when what you want matters to you? Handling your mistakes. Do you acknowledge (to yourself) your mistakes? Remember some recent mistakes (the bigger, the better) and how you've handled them. Remember an argument when you realized that you were (or could have been) wrong; did you continue to argue, or did you stop? Handling the negatives and mistakes of others. Do you often reproach things to other people, like why they did or didn't do certain things? Handling of refusal, rejection, denial, accepting "No" for an answer. If you argue with someone, do you expect your partner to take your side or the logical / rational side? How do you react when someone makes you angry? Do you think it's healthier for conflict to be resolved by releasing repressed emotions through emotional outbursts and yelling, or by talking calmly? If there is a conflict between you and your partner, do you criticize, mock, raise your voice or yell? Do you try to understand the point of view of your partner, and why he / she thinks like that? How do you prefer to handle an issue that you see in the behavior of your partner? Examples:
When your partner points out an issue in your behavior, how do you react? Examples:
What do you do if you're partner hurts your feelings? Examples: plan to get my sweet revenge some other time, argue with him / her and forget about it after sleep, work hard to improve myself but leave this partner if this happens too much. During an argument with your partner, would you accept your partner's point of view even though you think that you are right, or would you insist on what you think is right? How would you try to convince your partner that you are right? Are you used to drawing the attention of someone who is in another room, by raising your voice? When you see something that you don't like, do you give instructions to your partner about how to fix it, or do you take action and fix it yourself? If you and your partner were to get into a huge argument, who would you share your plight with? Describe the personalities of those people. Whose side would they be on, how would they make such a decision?
Preventing conflictWarning: sexual content included.
Build emotional closenessHaving desired physical contact builds and maintains emotional closeness, which helps to reduce conflict frequency and intensity. Physical contact is critical for the development of happiness. This kind of physical contact:
Would you like for you and your partner to tightly embrace each other for 5...10 minutes every day or once every few days? Would you like to look at each other's face, or in each other's eyes for several minutes? [When you look in someone's eyes, focus on a single eye, on a single point. Don't switch your focus between his / her eyes.]
Initiate arguments silentlyArguments usually start with an emotional outburst (like mockery or yelling), and from there each partner can say things that amplify the emotionally charged situation. To try to stop this progression, you can replace the first emotional outburst with a visual indication: put in front of your partner an object which is designated to indicate the start of the argument, but don't say anything, no matter how angry you are. If you slam the object in front of your partner, it's clear that you are very angry. Let your partner ask you, calmly, even if it's a few minutes later, what the problem is. The object should be soft, like a plush toy. What do you think about initiating arguments silently rather than with an emotional outburst?
Diffuse arguments sexuallyIf during an argument your partner asks you to get naked (for the rest of the argument), when you are in a private location, do you agree to either get naked or walk away from the argument? If you agree now, but later refuse to do it, do you acknowledge that would be breaking a promise? What would you do after an argument with your partner? Examples:
Initiate and negotiate sex silentlyWhat do you think about initiating and negotiating sex silently, as described below? Negotiation steps:
Settle sexual differencesWhat do you think about using the sex menu day to settle the sexual differences (regarding the acceptable frequency of sex and the actions to do during sex)? What do you think about the gamification of the settlement of sexual differences (regarding the acceptable frequency of sex and the actions to do during sex), as described below? Gamification steps:
SecurityHandling of private information like financial information, home and work addresses. Do you publish such information online, on social networks? In what context? Do you run or install, on your computer, programs from your friends or from unknown sources? Do you open email attachments from unknown sources?
Learning, strength, futureSomething that pushed your physical capacity to the limit. Something that pushed your mental capacity to the limit. The most valuable life lesson you’ve learned. What should school prepare people for, what should be the goal? Examples: a job, life, entrepreneurship. Something that would be useful to know in life but isn't taught in school. Examples: financial education, dating education. Goals in life and what you are doing to achieve them. What do you expect from life, in the long term? What dreams do you have for the future? What do you expect the future to bring you? Are you trying to build the future that you dream of? The longest projects that you've been focused / working on, the ones that needed the most energy and attention. What you think a lot about, other than goals in life, hobbies or job. Your current priorities in life. What do you value most in life? Your desired home. House or apartment? Type of design examples: modern, minimalistic, classic, contemporary. Where should it be located?
Equality and wokenessShould people be equal in terms of opportunities to work, to express themselves? If people have equal opportunities, but the outcomes of their work are wildly different, it means that:
Are men and women equal? Examples:
How should equal pay look like? Examples:
What represents feminism for you more? Examples:
Do you think that today's feminists are no longer interested in equality of opportunity (from a legal point of view), but instead want any of the following?
In places where women are generally paid less money than men, why do you think this gender pay gap exists? Examples:
Do you think that society puts obstacles in front of the women who want to be successful, so women have to work twice as hard as men to get the same recognition?
Should feminists do the following?
[For the woman to answer] If you think that today's women are socially disadvantaged compared to men, how are you personally disadvantaged? Give exact examples. How should the law be changed to eliminate those disadvantages? If women have sole choice on whether to carry pregnancies to term, while men have no choice but to accept that, would it be normal for men to be able to choose whether they are financially responsible for those children? What you're offended by and society has to fix. What should not be joked about.
AbuseWho do you think is responsible for most of the bad things in the world? Examples:
[For the woman to answer] Do you hate men in general? Do you think that most men want to harm women in general, either sexually or non-sexually? If the answer is "Yes", how many men do you think bear this responsibility? Examples: all, the majority, half, maybe 1 in 20. [For the man to answer] Do you hate women in general? Do you think that most women want to harm men in general? If the answer is "Yes", how many women do you think bear this responsibility? Examples: all, the majority, half, maybe 1 in 20. Do you think that women are less aggressive than men, or that it only appears so because men are direct in their conflicts (known as "stab you in the front") whereas women are indirect (known as "stab you in the back")? There is a significant trend to define sexual assault as touching or grabbing a women's hand (without consent), and rape as pushing the man's body against the woman's body (without consent), in order to make the official statistics show larger numbers, statistics which don't list the separate levels of intensity of the actions that they refer to. What do you think of these definitions? When a woman (who you don't know) accuses a man (who you don't know) of harassment or assault, sexual or not, but there is no evidence of that happening, is it right for the man to be fired from his job and to be harassed by the public? Is it right to believe the woman only based on her claims? Examples:
Considering that there is no evidence, if a woman (who you don't know) accuses a man (who you don't know) of hitting her, the man responds that the woman has hit him first, and the woman denies his claim, who do you believe and why?
Toxic masculinityDo you think that the expressions "toxic masculinity" and "traditional masculinity" are being used to manipulate the public opinion in order to induce the idea that masculinity as a whole is vile? Some criteria that are used to define these expressions in a negative sense are:
Do you subscribe to the view that masculinity is toxic, or to the view that specific behaviors, like violence, are toxic (regardless of the gender of the perpetrator)? If you think that masculinity as a whole is toxic, what is the difference between normal and toxic masculinity? In order to not be labeled as being toxic, should men become submissive, docile, emotional and obey the instructions of the people who scream "toxic masculinity"?
Effect of wokenessDo you agree that cancel culture, woke culture and gender identity activism are destroying free speech and the perception of reality by recreating the Inquisition in the 21st century, and that the effects are so severe that the clinically insane people are now allowed to run the certain societies? Things that made this possible:
Biological sexWhat genital organs did you have at birth? What genital organs do you have now? Examples: penis, vagina, unclear, something else. What genital organs must your partner have had at birth? What genital organs must your partner have now? Examples: penis, vagina, unclear, something else. If your partner were to ask you to have a medical test to confirm whether your body produces sperm or ova, matching your biological sex, would you agree? An alternative is a DNA test that shows either the XX sex chromosome pair for women, or the XY sex chromosome pair for men. Do you agree that people have a biological sex that is determined by biology, not determined by what people identify as, and that biological sex represents the objective reality that exists outside of the human mind? Criteria:
Would you knowingly and willingly have sex with a transgender person? If you unknowingly have sex with a transgender person, do you consider that it was an unwilling act on your side? Do you agree with the following?
Marriage and childrenWhy would you want to marry? Examples: childhood dream, it's what people do, better financial status, legal rights to split in half all wealth made during marriage, children have to be raised by two parents, regular sex, to split in half the problems I never had. Children. Do you ever want to have children? How many? When do you want to have one? If it's not possible to conceive, what would you do? Adopting children. Children from previous relationships. How would you think to the children that you give birth to, or whose biological parent you are?
Who would pay for the wedding? If you want to marry, what kind of ceremony would you like to have? Examples: none, with only the immediate family, with the extended family and friends, with over 100 guests.
Prenuptial agreementThe overall divorce rate, for all marriages, is about 50%, and in many countries the partner who came into the marriage (or makes during the marriage) with a lot less money can divorce at any time, without justification (even if that person cheated sexually, or had a child with someone else), and lawfully get half of the money of the wealthier partner. On top of this, many of the people who remain married long-term are not happy, but don't divorce because they would be worse / poorer separately, or they want to stay together for the children. A prenuptial agreement is useful for someone who is about to marry a partner who has a lot less money (or less potential to make money in the future). A prenuptial agreement normally covers only what each partner owned before marriage, and can't lawfully apply to what becomes property after marriage. If you have a bank account with a lot of money saved from before the marriage, after marriage do not under any circumstances put more money in that account, else all the money from that account becomes common property. Put the new money in a separate account that you know contains common property. If you own a house (or any property) from before the marriage, do not under any circumstances put your spouse's name on the property deeds, else that property becomes common property. Declaring that you live there with a spouse is a different matter. Make sure to have a prenuptial agreement made by a lawyer. A non-professional prenuptial agreement which is signed by someone who later claims to have signed it in distress, may be thrown out by a court of law. If you want a prenuptial agreement, make sure your partner signs it before marriage. In some countries, if two people live together for a certain number of years, the partners may have a legal claim over the assets of the other partner, as if they are married. Signing a prenuptial agreement is not the equivalent of planning to make the marriage fail, it's planning in case the marriage fails. Any successful rational person knows that any good plan can fail, so backup plans are necessary to recover from failure. If one partner doesn't want to sign a prenuptial agreement and says "Don't you trust me?" the response should be "But, don't you trust me enough to sign it?" Would you agree to talk to a lawyer in order to see whether the law grants both spouses what they want during marriage and in the event of a divorce? If the conversation with the lawyer shows a lack of balance in the law, mostly in favor of a single partner, would you agree to sign a prenuptial agreement that protects both partners equally in case something goes wrong in the relationship? Examples: no, yes, I wouldn't marry someone who asks me to sign one, I wouldn't marry someone who refuses to sign one.
DivorceBefore entering in a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship, there are many things to talk about, and some important decisions to be made together. It's possible that some of these decisions will be broken later by one partner. Do you agree that if any such decision is broken, the relationship should end either because a fundamental incompatibility has arisen, or because one partner has deceived the other (perhaps even from the start of the relationship)? Do you agree that if the reason was deceit, or there is a massive difference in the frequency of sex (from what was initially agreed), the partner who did the deceiving, or changed the frequency of sex, may not ask (in a divorce) for a share of the wealth of the other partner? Example scenarios: not having children versus having them, having sex often versus having sex rarely, living in the suburbs versus living in the city, making the effort to maintain the body look versus not making the effort (for example, the ability to remove the body hair is not affected by age, so it can be done at any age). If you marry and divorce after having children (with the ex-spouse), how would you split custody (= spending the time with the minor children)? Examples: 100% with me, most time with me, 50% with each of us, most time with my ex-spouse, 100% with my ex-spouse.
DeepSelf control, delayed gratification. Are you usually aiming to get a (partial) result as quickly as possible, or are you waiting more time to get the best result possible? Risk taking. Do you like danger? Are you attracted to dangerous situations? What responsibilities you wish you didn’t have? If your partner had to move to a different city for his / her job, would you follow him / her? Charity work, donations, activism. Respect for authority. Political and environmental views, firearms. Narcotics. Getting older. Plastic surgery, breast implants. As you grow older, do you intend to use plastic surgery to make your body look younger? Do you think that astrology can predict the course of relationships or of the future? Religion. Is religion a good thing for you personally?
PainWhat you are afraid of. Long time dream which you have abandoned. Why did you abandon it? Your biggest failure to seize an opportunity. Biggest mistakes you've made in your life. What do you most regret doing or not doing? What would you like to change in the way you grew up? What decision from your past would you change? The biggest challenges, obstacles and adversity that you have faced in life. How did you overcome them? Frustrating or tormenting moments. How did you overcome them? The last time you cried by yourself (or in front of others, if that's more relevant). Do you regularly take any medication? Punishments for criminals. Merciful or vengeful?
FillerWhat do you care about in people? Role models. Did you have any? Who do you talk to the most? Examples: myself, parents, friends. What do you do for work? Current family. Place of birth, where you've moved. Dressing style, clothes, out in the city and at office. Examples: formal, casual, sporty. Tattoos and piercings.
Nature of RealityIf you are interested in learning more about these topics, see: Mathematics making Reality, What is Reality, Free will, Consciousness. What is the origin of the Universe? Examples: a mathematical progression, laws of physics popping out of nothingness (and forming a deterministic progression of change), a simulation started in another Universe, infinity (everything possible already exists), a god. What is time? Examples: the progression of change, there is no time because everything already exists, a dimension in which everything moves (and might be able to go back into). What is the origin of the human species? Examples: natural evolution, a god. Do people have free will? Can a person make a choice without being causally bound to the beginning of the Universe, therefore breaking the laws of physics, or is everything a deterministic progression of change that has started from the beginning of the Universe? Do people actually have free will, or do they believe that they have free will because they can't see the entire chain of causality that has started from the beginning of the Universe, chain which determines their choices? Do souls exist? If they do, they must be immaterial, made from something other than matter, since no matter has been observed to make them. Is consciousness a fundamental property of the Universe? Are souls immortal? Where were your soul and consciousness before you were born? Teleportation is a process through which information can be transmitted over great distances. Matter can be teleported by: scanning the molecules at the origin, destroying the original (so that you don't get a duplicate), transmitting the scanned information through a communication channel, and reconstructing the molecules at the destination. Only atoms have so far been teleported. If a person were to be teleported, how would the soul and consciousness be also teleported, considering that they are not made of matter (so the teleporting machine would be unable to access these)?
Our RelationshipFor conversations during the relationship. Happiness together. Are you happy with me? Things for which you want me to give you more support. Things that I do, that you would like me to no longer do.
After a session of sexWhat thing(s) did you like the most and why? Did anything make you feel great pleasure? What thing(s) did you like the least and why? What would you like to change the next time we have sex?
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