Conversation Topics




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Searching for a Partner


Introduction

Warning! This document contains sections about the human sexuality. These sections are specifically marked. Educational or not, you might not want to read sexual content.

If you go through the topics in order, top to bottom, each person should alternatively read the next topic. If a single person were to read the topics, he / she would expose all his / her personality while the other person could change his / her answers in order to pretend that he / she is a good match.

The text in italic font, and text within parenthesis, contains instructions and tips, not conversation topics.

When choosing an answer from a list of options, you're free to choose one or more, depending on what fits you well.

There are over 410 very detailed conversation topics.

For more information about the conversation topics, you can go here.

The conversation topics are also available in a smartphone friendly format. You should save the list on your smartphone by right-clicking on the link and selecting "Save link as" from the menu.



Table of contents

Exploratory

Relationship

Sexual lifestyle

Stimulating

Intimacy

Living together

Sex

Monogamy and jealousy

What life owes you

Handling conflict

Preventing conflict

Money and safety

Nature of Reality

Deep

Marriage and children

Gender equality

Pain

Filler



Gamified topics

Skip reading this section until you see a topic marked with "GAMIFIED".

The topics which are marked with "GAMIFIED" can be optionally gamified. You can gamify a topic either the first time you answer it, or at a later time (when you can answer it again).

A topic which can be gamified contains a list of statements which can be used as answers for the topic.

When a topic is gamified, it means that on top of the number of statements that each person may freely specify as being important, number which is indicated in the topic, each person may specify more statements when paying a closeness cost (described below).

A topic which can be gamified is designed not only to be fun, but also to show people's ability to allocate scarce resources. If your person of interest defies the instructions and freely specifies more statements as being important than the topic indicates, it means that they are willing to use trickery to go around obstacles, and are unable to allocate scarce resources.

Here are the available closeness costs (each can be repeated multiple times):

  • You may say "I want 1 more choice" to request to specify 1 more statement from the list. If you give a compliment to the other person and he / she says "I accept", you may specify 1 more statement. A compliment is anything said that gives the other person pleasure.

  • You may say "I want 2 more choices" to request to specify 2 more statements from the list. If the other person says "I accept", he / she must indicate where he / she wants to touch or caress you (with only one of his / her hands), and you must say either "Yes" to allow it, or "No" to forbid it. If you allow it then you can specify the statements, but if you forbid it then you can't specify the statements. At any moment you may back away or ask for the touch to end and the other person must stop. It's recommended to avoid touching sexual areas.

  • You may say "I want 3 more choices" to request to specify 3 more statements from the list. If the other person says "I accept", he / she must indicate where he / she wants to kiss you (with only his / her lips, not tongue), and you must say either "Yes" to allow it, or "No" to forbid it. If you allow it then you can specify the statements, but if you forbid it then you can't specify the statements. At any moment you may back away or ask for the kiss to end and the other person must stop. It's recommended to avoid kissing sexual areas.

If you forbid the touches and kisses, but the other person insists that you should accept, make it clear that "It's too early for physical contact". If the other person still insists, walk away because that person is from the wrong pool of potential partners.

A gamified topic may have some statements from the list marked with the words "ONLY GAMIFIED". Such a statement can be specified only by someone who is paying a closeness cost to specify that statement, that is, it can be specified only when a compliment, touch / caress or kiss is involved, so it can't be freely specified.



Exploratory

What where you doing / thinking before you saw me?

Tell me about you. What's your life story? How did you become the person that you are now? (If he / she says "It's a long story", you could say "I like hearing your voice.")

Tell me something that you are proud of about yourself, your greatest (physical or mental) accomplishments.

Compliment yourself about something other than your physical appearance. (Few people can compliment themselves about something else, at least with a non-generic compliment. Women, in particular, want to appear physically attractive, but are bored by men who compliment them for their physical appearance. But do women actually know what makes them more than just a pretty face and body? If he / she says that it's your job to compliment him / her, say "If you can't compliment yourself, knowing everything about yourself, how can anyone else compliment you?")

What do you care about, what do you feel passion for, what are your hobbies and activities? Any project that you currently work on? (When he / she tells you his / her passions, you can continue the conversation by asking "What made you interested in [insert activity]?" It's a fallacy of the modern, educated world to think that partners should feel passion for the same things. Compatibility is about the day-to-day life, not about shared passions.)

As a child, what did you want to be when growing up?

The happiest moments of your life. (If he / she takes too much to think, you can tease him / her by saying "So, this must be the happiest moment of your life.")

What makes you happy, or what would make you happy. What stands between you and your happiness?

Describe yourself with short attributes, like: lazy, energetic, messy, ordered, open book, mysterious / private, going with the flow, focused, determined, passionate, creative, logical.

What you are doing with your life?

  • Having fun, living my life.

  • Asking questions, exploring the world.

What are questions for you?

  • Something that keeps me away from having fun.

  • A way to understand the world.

What do you think about asking and being asked hundreds of questions about your personality?

  • A waste of time, an interrogatory, an inquisition. Spending time with my partner is enough to show us if we are compatible, and we'll gain life experience.

  • A way to understand myself and my partner, so that we can avoid conflict and wasting time on an incompatible relationship.

Physical activity. Examples: walking, fitness, bike riding. Walking versus going by car. The last time when you've walked for an hour.

Eating style, diet, weight control. Describe what you usually eat during a day. What you eat in general. Your favorite foods. Your favorite deserts. How often do you eat at restaurants?

What you drink and how much: water, tea, coffee, alcohol, vegetable and fruit juices, sweetened beverages. Have you ever been drunk?

Show some photos of yourself, or photos that you've taken.

Show some photos of your home, something that you're proud of.

Very weird, funny, amazing or embarrassing things that have happened to you or that you have seen.

If you could do anything you wanted right now, what would you do?

If you would not have to work for money, what would you do with your life?

Types of videoclips that you are watching online, like documentaries, personal development, movies, music. Could also be articles or books. You could search for them online, on your smartphone, to show what you're interested in.

Teach me (about) something. Keep the lesson within a few minutes.



A bit serious

Who should pay for the entire first date (including the partner's share)? Examples: the man, the woman, each person for what they order, the person who invited the other to the date. Who should pay for the second and third dates?

What qualifies as an expensive first date for you?

If you were to pay for the entire first date, and you don't clarify before the date what you want in return, does the other person owe you something in return? What if the date were expensive? What about the second and third dates? Examples:

  • I expect physical contact. Examples: a peck (on the cheek), one kiss, kissing, petting, sex.

  • I would tell my partner before the date that I expect physical contact in exchange for paying for his / her share.

  • I wouldn't pay for my partner's share and I expect nothing in return.

  • People who expect physical contact in exchange for paying for his / her partner's share should hire a sex worker who already knows what he / she has to do in exchange for money.

  • The first date is a conversation, not a promise for physical contact.

  • A date is never a promise for physical contact.

Are you annoyed by men who open doors for women?



Relationship

Type of relationship that you want to have next. Examples: conversational friendship (sex is excluded), intimate friendship (sex is unlikely, but not impossible), long-term and sexually monogamous relationship (could lead to marriage), short-term relationship (sex is likely), non-monogamous relationship (sex is likely), casual relationships (mostly for sex), one-night stands (only for sex).

If you're looking for a long-term relationship, do you still see yourself together with the same person after 5...10 years? If the answer is "no", does it mean that you want several long-term relationships?

In the next 12 months, is it likely for you change your mind about the type of relationship that you want?

Habits when deciding to buy things. Do you buy things on a whim? When you buy something, do you often regret buying it because you later see something more interesting? If you regret buying, do you replace what you've bought, or do you try to find new interesting things about it? Answer separately for cheap things, and for expensive things. Examples: yes, there are so many choices out there, sometimes, I research a lot before buying, I research things so much before buying that I'm sometimes paralyzed and I even end up not buying.

Is there any difference between when you decide to buy things and when you decide to get into a relationship?

In your next relationship, are you looking for realistic expectations and friendship, or for magic, fate and a soulmate? How would your soulmate differ in behavior from a person who is a good match (but not a soulmate)?

If your person of interest would rather walk away than have a conversation about your relationship together, what would you do? Examples:

  • Have sex with him / her so that we can be together for long enough for him / her to change.

  • Let him / her walk away. I would do this even if every single person of interest walks away from me.

While passing by you in the street, or in a shop, a stranger (of your opposite gender) looks at you for what feels to be a too long time. If you dislike that, do you stare annoyed at the stranger, or do you look away and walk away? How do you feel about being looked at? Why do you think he / she does that? Do you have anything that a stranger may admire you for?

What's the funniest, weirdest or craziest idea for a date that you would like to go on?

What are you looking for in a relationship? What do you expect from having a partner? What do you feel the need to do with your partner? Examples: financial security, companionship and friendship, be in each other's presence, stay embraced for long periods of time, occasional sex, some sex, a lot of sex, maybe children at some point.

What makes you a good partner. What do you bring into a relationship?

How do you feel about you and your partner manifesting your affection for each other in public? Examples of manifestation: holding hands, hugging, pecking, kissing, kissing passionately, climb on one another while kissing passionately.

When meeting your partner somewhere, do you prefer to kiss then hug, or to hug then kiss? (Hugging before kissing builds anticipation for the kiss, but hugging can last longer.)

Physical or mental traits that attract you to men / women.

What you dislike most in a potential partner.

Physical, mental or behavioral traits that you dislike about yourself. (This can help the other person to be a bit more patient in those areas.)

Until what moment is it acceptable for you and your current partner to have conversations with other people, which could result in a romantic relationship with those people (after breaking the relationship between you two)? This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like kissing, petting or sex) with the other people. Examples: until getting the second / third / fourth date, until we discuss all these conversation topics, until we have our first sex together, until we declare love to each other, until we agree to be in a sexually monogamous relationship, until engagement, until marriage.

What was your first impression of me? What were your concerns about me? Has anything changed now? What are your concerns now? Concerns refer to things that make you feel uncertain whether you should talk to me or avoid me.

Do I have anything that you would not normally choose a partner for?

How often would you like to spend time with someone, before you live together? Examples: every day, twice per week, once per week.

How often would you like to communicate with someone, before you live together? Would you prefer to communicate mostly through messaging or phone calls? Should the messaging be done through online messengers or SMS?

In case your partner doesn't answer immediately, how much time is it acceptable to pass until he / she returns your call? What about until responding to a message of yours? If your partner doesn't answer within the acceptable time, how would you react?

If your partner were to cancel a date that was supposed to last the entire next day, what would your reaction be? What activities would do instead?

Which partner should generally take control of planning to do things together? Examples: the man, the woman, equally the man and the woman. Answer separately for the following things:

  • Go out in the city for dinner, a movie or other activities.

  • Vacations.

What's the longest time you would wait for someone who is late for a date? Examples: 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours.

If a woman is asked, for the first time, by a man to do something together, like talk or have sex, and the woman explicitly says something like "No", "Not interested" or "I don't want to", what do you think she means and what should the man do next? What if the woman doesn't explicitly refuse the man? What if the woman says "Maybe"?

If you have sex with someone and you don't clarify before the sex what you want in return, does the other person owe you a relationship, be it short-term or long-term?

Before entering in a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship, there are many things to talk about, and some important decisions to be made together. It's possible that some of these decisions will be broken later by one partner. Do you agree that if any such decision is broken, the relationship should end either because a fundamental incompatibility has arisen, or because one partner has deceived the other (perhaps even from the start of the relationship)? Also, do you agree that if the reason was deceit, the partner who did the deceiving may not ask (in a divorce) for a share of the wealth of the other partner? Example scenarios: not having children versus having them, having sex often versus having sex rarely, living in the suburbs versus living in the city, making the effort to maintain the body look versus not making the effort (for example, the ability to remove the body hair is not affected by age, so it can be done at any age).

(Not a math question.) Statistics show that about 60% of marriages end with divorce. If you were to make an analogy with a financial investment of a 1'000 dollars that could increase to 1'500 dollars, which of the following statements represent you more?

  • I have a 60% probability to lose 1'000 dollars.

  • I have a 40% probability to make 500 dollars in profit.



Sexual lifestyle

Warning: sexual content included.

These topics can create a tensed atmosphere, so they should be discussed toward the end of a date.

Tell this to your person of interest, to prepare him / her for the subject: "This is about how we view sexuality, not about how to have sex."

If at the end of this section you see an unacceptable incompatibility, you can say "We have (very) different personalities" in order to indicate that you will not pursue a relationship with your person of interest.

If you are interested in learning more about sexual lifestyles, see this.

What are the minimum and maximum number of sexual partners that would be normal for you to have during your lifetime? How strongly do you feel about these numbers? These numbers refer to what you want in real life, not to what you fantasize with no intention of making happen. Do not refer to what's normal for other people. Examples: as many as possible, between 20 and 40, between 10 and 20, between a few and 10, a few to have the experience, as few as possible.

What are the minimum and maximum number of sexual partners that would be normal for your partner to have during his / her lifetime? How strongly do you feel about these numbers? Examples: I don't care, as many as possible, between 20 and 40, between 10 and 20, between a few and 10, a few to have the experience, as few as possible.

Is it necessary for you to have sex with your partner before you two agree to be in a long-term relationship, because that's how you ensure that you are sexually compatible for the long-term?

In order to have sex with someone, do you have to be in love with that person?

When is it acceptable to start having sex with a new partner? Examples: after the first / second / third successful date, after a few weeks, after we agree to be in a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship, after engagement, after marriage.

If you think that it's acceptable to start having sex with a new partner only after you two agree to be in a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship (/ engagement / marriage), you should first be sure (with a reasonable doubt) that you two are compatible for such a relationship. How will you make sure of that? Examples: conversations, time (at least a few months). Will you abstain from having sex (with anyone) before you're sure that you're compatible with the new partner?

Until what moment is it acceptable for you and your partner to have sex with other people? Examples: until getting the first / second / third / fourth date, until we have our first sex together, until we declare love to each other, until we agree to be in a sexually monogamous relationship, until engagement, until marriage.

How much does each of the following statements apply to what you think of sex?

  • Sex is a biological need, like eating, which is fulfilled when it appears, with whoever is available at the time. Having sex with a partner and separating later feels like I've gained sexual and life experience.

  • Having sex for the first time with a new partner is a serious decision, like the answer to a big philosophical question. Having sex with a partner and separating later feels like losing a big part of who I am.

If you desire something sexual, do you have to make it happen in real life, or can some sexual desires remain unfulfilled for you? Scenarios:

  • If you are single and you feel the need to have sex, do you find someone to have sex with, or do you wait for a long-term partner?

  • If you are fantasizing about having sex with people other than your partner, do you do act on this desire, or can this desire remain unfulfilled?

Did you ever have sex outside of a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship?

Have you had sex with someone the first time you physically met him / her? What about the second time?

Would you have sex with a virgin? Why yes / no? (If it matters, here, virgin means someone who has never had any kind of sex, like vaginal, oral or anal.)



Stimulating

Travel: vacation locations and business trips. What kind of places do you prefer to visit in your vacations: cities, quaint villages, resorts, rugged nature, mountains, beaches. Do you like hiking, camping? Where did you go in your last vacation? Where else have you traveled? Where would you like to go in your next vacation? Would you go in a vacation without your partner when it's not possible to go together? Would you go in a vacation without your partner so that when you are back together you have something interesting to talk about?

Search online for visual art, like photographs, paintings, or sculptures; try to find something out of the ordinary, maybe even controversial. Form your search terms by combining words like "controversial", "surreal", "outstanding" with "photographs", "paintings", "sculptures", "fine art", "NFT art", "art". Look at the found images. Comment on the art. What do you think about someone who displays that art in his / her home? What do you think about a man who displays in his home a photo of a nude woman, or about a woman who displays in her home a photo of a nude man?

Tattoos and piercings.

If a person that you are attracted to were to walk by you in the street, naked, how would you react, what would you say?

Something that pushed your physical capacity to the limit.

Something that pushed your mental capacity to the limit.

The most valuable life lesson you’ve learned.

Something that would be useful to know in life but isn't taught in school. Examples: financial education, dating education.

Goals in life and what you are doing to achieve them. What do you expect from life, in the long term? What dreams do you have for the future? What do you expect the future to bring you? Are you trying to build the future that you dream of?

The longest projects that you've been focused / working on, the ones that needed the most energy and attention.

What you think a lot about, other than goals in life, hobbies or job.

Your current priorities in life.

What do you value most in life?

Your desired home. House or apartment? Type of design examples: modern, minimalistic, classic, contemporary. Where should it be located?



Intimacy

The personality traits that you would like your partner to have. From the list of statements below, specify maximum 3 which are most important to you. You can rephrase the statements so that you are either the person on whom the action is done ("me"), or your partner who is implied to be doing the action. You can add your own statements. GAMIFIED.

  • Puts me on a pedestal and treats me like a prince / princess.

  • Accepts that my makeup, dyed hair, dyed nails make me look smashing every day.

  • Uses makeup, or dyes her hair or nails in order to change her appearance and look smashing every day.

  • Is relaxed about life and doesn't put pressure on me.

  • Enjoys watching movies and TV shows with me.

  • Wants to have children at some point in the future.

  • When upset, argues because that's how normal people work things out.

  • When upset, reasons logically because that's how people who want to be compatible work things out.

  • Enjoys a formal dressing style, social behavior and events.

  • Enjoys a casual dressing style, social behavior and events.

  • Enjoys intense physical activity, like bicycle riding, hiking, sports.

  • Works to keep his / her body healthy and weight fit.

  • Works to build financial security for the family.

  • Is spiritual. Examples: believes in my god.

  • Doesn't believe in magic, spirits, gods or astrology.

  • Has the same political view as I have.

  • Is funny.

  • Has an elegant / refined behavior.

  • Is a thinker and challenges me intellectually.

  • Is intelligent.

The ways in which you would like your partner to often express his / her attraction, passion and love for you, to make you feel special. From the list of statements below, specify maximum 3 which are most important to you. You can rephrase the statements so that you are either the person on whom the action is done ("me"), or your partner who is implied to be doing the action. You can add your own statements. GAMIFIED.

  • Provides me rich financial security. Give some examples.

  • Provides me moderate financial security. Give some examples.

  • Gives me expensive physical gifts. Give some examples.

  • Gives me inexpensive physical gifts.

  • Does chores for me. What kind of chores?

  • Does chores together with me. What kind of chores?

  • Cooks for me.

  • Compliments me for my physical appearance.

  • Compliments me for something other than my physical appearance.

  • Says words of support and encouragement, like that he / she appreciates or is proud of me and my actions. Makes me feel important and that I bring something valuable in the relationship.

  • Listens to me, my feelings, my problems, and provides nurturing support for my development.

  • Verbalizes his / her feelings for me.

  • Remembers minor things that I did or said.

  • Notices (new) things about me.

  • Surprises me from time to time, with small things. A surprise requires the lack of repetition.

  • Seduces me from time to time, takes me out to dinner, laughs with me, makes out with me like we're teenagers, has sex with me like I'm his / her new sex toy. I want to matter! I want to see on his / her face the pleasure that my personality and body give him / her.

  • Spends time with me indoors, in close proximity.

  • Spends time with me out of the home, in the city (at restaurants, bars, cinema, theater, museums, gym, couple sports). How often should this happen?

  • Spends time with me in vacations.

  • Is fine spending time away from each other, each busy with his / her own hobbies, activities and friends.

  • Casually touches and rubs my body, for a few moments. How should this happen mostly? Examples: fingers through my hair, palm on a non-sexual part of my body (shoulder, forearm, hip, back / spine), palm on a sexual part of my body (buttocks, breasts, genital organs), his / her body parts (thighs, buttocks, genital organs) on my buttocks.

  • Holds my hand in public. Maybe also kisses me in public.

  • Hugs, kisses and massages me.

  • Flirts with me.

  • Has sex with me.

  • Initiates sex.

  • ONLY GAMIFIED. Has sex with me and gives me unspeakable pleasures.

  • I want to see in his / her eyes the passion for me, for my presence. I want to see softness and delicacy in his / her behavior, I want to see a spark in his / her eyes when he / she sees me. I want passion, not negotiation of physical attraction.

  • Gives himself / herself passionately to me, physically.

How much do you care about things in life?

  • Life is care free.

  • I care about many things.

How would you show your passion for your partner? Examples: what passion, cooking, paying all the bills, make babies, sex, sex with abandonment.

Would you like for you and your partner to tightly embrace each other for a long time (like 10 minutes), every day or once every two days? See Preventing conflict for details.

What do you find interesting in me? What do you want to do with me?

What body perfumes do you like? Examples of types: sweet, spicy, aquatic, floral, herbal, leathery? Can you feel each other's perfume? You could go to a shop and try to find something that you both like.

If you could switch bodies with your partner for a day, what would you do that day?

Look in each other's eyes for a few minutes; 2 minutes is fine. When you look in someone's eyes, focus on a single eye, on a single point. Don't switch your focus between his / her eyes.

What would you need your partner to do in order to make you feel the desire to throw yourself in his / her arms, abandoning yourself mentally and physically, while saying "You can do anything you want with me"? It's understood that your partner has to protect your body and mind, not do something that hurts you.

When is a good moment for the first hug? (If your person of interest takes too long to answer, you could say "Now seems a good moment." If he / she looks unable to decide, you could say "Let's see if it is" and lean toward him / her for the hug, but don't go all the way and allow him / her to complete the hug.)

When is a good moment for the first kiss?

Something deeply intimate about you. Something that makes you feel very vulnerable. Something that makes you feel like you're undressing your soul and say "Accept me as I am or leave!" Both of us agree that the answers to this topic will be treated with absolute confidence and will not be shared with others. If this agreement is not happening, or if an answer refers to something unlawful, skip this topic.



Living together

Do you work during the day? Do you work night shifts?

At what time do you usually go to sleep?

Do you nap during the day?

How heavy or light do you usually sleep?

At what time do you usually wake up? Energy in the morning, after you wake up. Are you noisy when you wake up? Do you want to talk to someone, or do you need some quiet time to go through the morning rituals?

Noise that you make at home, which could disturb the neighbors. Loud music and parties.

Slippers. How do you walk around the house? Examples: barefoot, with slippers, with shoes.

What kind of clothes do you wear when you're at home?

Where do you change in and out of your outdoor clothes? Examples: bathroom, bedroom, walk-in wardrobe.

When during the day, and for how long, do you need to use the bathroom most, for things like showering or number 2?

Do you close the bathroom door when you shower or do number 2?

When you are in the bathroom, with the door closed, is it acceptable for your partner to come in?

When you and your partner are watching a movie that you've both never seen, are you asking questions like "What is happening?" or "What will happen?" Do you realize that since your partner hasn't seen the movie, he / she can't answer your question?

Pets. Do you need to have pets when living with your partner?

Smoking.



Relaxation

What do you usually do to relax?

What parts of the city (in which you live) do you like most?

How do you usually spend your evenings and nights?

What do you usually do during the weekends?

Favorite physical activity, sports.

Favorite boardgames, videogames.

Favorite books, movies, TV shows, music, art.

How much time do you watch streaming services (YouTube, Netflix)? How much time do you watch classical / broadcast television?

Do you like soap operas?

Do you like horror movies?

Do you make comments while watching movies or TV shows?

Usage of online social media. Which ones? How often do you use them?

On what websites and apps do you spend most time online?

Websites you use most for online purchases. How much time do you spend researching and comparing products?



Sex

Warning: sexual content included.

Discussing about sex requires a certain familiarity and attraction that develops in time, so it should be avoided during the first date.

If you are interested in learning about sexuality, see Sexual Education.

If you have to keep notes of your agreements about sex, you might want to print the sex menu.

If the physical passion for one another doesn't become visible in the conversation about sex, there will never be such passion, and, if you do get sexually involved, your sexual interaction will continuously deteriorate in quality.

If the other person tries to shame you, walk away on the spot.

Tell to your person of interest the guidelines for a conversation about sex:

  • This conversation doesn't impose any obligations for either of us.

  • Sex for pleasure doesn't come naturally to people because it's behavior, not instinct, so what produces pleasure during sex is learned and changes throughout life, as people experiment. Sex for reproduction is an instinct.

  • To express our level of interest for an act, we could use expressions like: it's hot, it's fine / normal, it's acceptable (but I prefer to limit it), it's unacceptable / abnormal.

  • We must both answer based on what we want, not on what we think the other person wants.

  • We must both agree to not judge, mock or shame the other's choices.

  • We can pass on answering any topic, or we can change our answers later.

  • If one of us is ashamed to talk about something, we can turn back to back, or face to back, and talk.

  • If one of us doesn't want to talk about a certain topic, or doesn't know how to refuse a certain act, we should talk about it so we can see together what to do.

  • If we get to have sex, we'll do only things that we both agree on. If either of us doesn't want to do something during sex, we don't have to do it.

  • If one of us has any concerns, we should clarify them together. Concerns that are kept hidden will lead to frustration and unhappiness.

  • We are safe together.

  • At the end of the conversation about sex, we must both state whether we are happy or unhappy with our agreements.

  • Any objections?



Default state of mind

Do you want to avoid talking about sex? If yes, what is the reason? Examples: I've been raised in a home / culture where sex is taboo, it would spoil the mystery and desire.

When talking about sex, do you prefer to use a formal or a slang type of language? Something mixed? Formal: sex, penis, vulva, vagina, semen. Slang: fuck, cock, cunt / pussy, cum.

What do you usually call / name your own genital organs, in a non-sexual context? Use the actual word, don't replace it with something that you think is more appropriate for the conversation. Examples: junk, penis, cock, vulva, vagina, cunt / pussy. What do you usually call them in a sexual context? As a woman, what do you call your breasts? Examples: the girls.

Pubic hair preference for both partners; includes the hair on and around the genital organs and anus. Examples: removed (shaved, lasered off, waxed), removed but with a decorative patch preserved, stubble, trimmed, hairy. If there is disagreement, try to reach an agreement. What would you say makes a man / woman: pubic hair or mental maturity? (Pubic hair traps perspiration, and therefore smell, especially in the summer.)

Personal hygiene. How often do you shower? How often do you wash your: hands, teeth (flossing, electrical toothbrush, mouthwash), genital organs, anus. How often do you change your underwear and socks. Do you put your dirty clothes in the hamper?

Your knowledge about sex, how to have sex, how to get and give pleasure. Are you interested in learning more about sex? How did you learn about sex?

  • I don't know anything about sex.

  • I've heard a few things around, from friends or the Internet.

  • By having sex.

  • My sexual partners taught me.

  • From biology lessons, from sex educators.

  • Watching sexual education videos.

  • Reading sexual education articles.

  • Reading sexual education books.

  • Spending hundreds of hours thinking deeply, and researching, about how to give sexual pleasure to my partner.

Do you feel guilt or shame when you imagine yourself having sex, or when you are actually having sex?

Do you feel pleasure when you think about giving or receiving sexual pleasure to or from your partner?

How important is sex for you? How important should sex be for your partner? What is sex for you?

  • An obligation.

  • A chore.

  • Something to explore with my partner.

  • A gift that I and my partner can enjoy together.

What do you feel when you think that a man climbs on top of his woman partner, penetrates her with his penis (making her feel how his penis spreads her flesh apart, making its own space inside her, filling her body up to his testicles), and starts thrusting inside her body? Is there any difference if the penetration is vaginal, oral or anal? Examples:

  • It's inherently bad.

  • I hate it that men can do that. I hate it that women are powerless and are taken advantage of. I hate biology! I hate Reality! It's men's fault!

  • It's men exploiting women.

  • It's a domineering act of men over women.

  • It's acceptable, but I don't feel sexual pleasure.

  • It's fine, I have no problem with it.

  • It's intimate, intense, passionate and extremely hot.

Consider a handsome, carefree, confident, bad boy with a fit body and a "go suck a lemon" attitude, who doesn't validate a woman's beauty with compliments. Would a woman generally let him fold her body like an origami and do her in any way he wants?

How much does each of the following statements represent you?

  • I don't like sex for pleasure.

  • I prefer getting pleasure from my partner, during sex.

  • I prefer giving pleasure to my partner, during sex.

Feeling pleasure while you're having sex.

  • Pleasure during sex is fine but isn't that important, so it's fine if I don't feel it. There are plenty of other things in life to occupy my time and energy with.

  • Pleasure during sex is important and if I were to not feel it, I would try to change my sexual behavior, try to talk to my partner about what he / she thinks the problem could be.

  • Pleasure during sex is important and if I were to not feel it, I would invest a lot of time and energy to improve the possibility that I would feel pleasure, by learning more about sex.

How much would you enjoy sex, in general?

How would sex with you be? How would you try to make your partner (sexually) ecstatic?

What would you need in order to enjoy having sex, not merely accept to have sex?

Would you need to have sex in order to relax, or would you need to relax in order to have sex?

Some people must feel the desire to have sex in order to start having sex, while other people must start having sex in order to feel the desire to have sex and enjoy it. Which of the two types represents you more?

What do you find arousing, erotic?

If you don't know what you like during sex, are you willing to experiment? If your partner asks you to experiment with something that you don't like, will you accept to do it, dislike it, then claim that your partner has exploited you?

If your partner asks you for something that you find unacceptable (but not sick), would you try it once or twice before you deny it to your partner? Don't take this question as a demand to feel obligated to fulfill your partner's sexual needs and fantasies, answer what you want to do.

If you desire something sexual but your partner doesn't want to do that, does it have to happen in the real world with someone else, or can it remain only in your imagination?

Would you stay in a relationship if your sexual needs are not satisfied by your partner?

Give an example about the brain being a sexual organ. Examples: thinking about how to give pleasure, explicit / dirty talking, teasing, all these conversation topics about sex.



Abandoning yourself

Would you like to abandon yourself, your (control over your) body, to your partner? Would this make you feel a combination between between fear, arousal, abandonment and relaxation?

Do you need your partner to explicitly provide you a mentally and physically safe space so you can unleash your sexuality? Detail the reason behind your answer. Examples:

  • I will not be unleashing my sexuality.

  • I need a safe space.

  • I don't need anything extra to unleash my sexuality.

What would you need your partner to do in order to make you feel the desire to throw yourself in his / her arms, abandoning yourself sexually, while saying "You can do anything you want with me"? It's understood that your partner has to protect your body and mind, not do something that hurts you.

What could stop you from abandoning yourself to your partner? Examples:

  • Shame that other people might know what I'm doing.

  • Fear of being used for sex and then abandoned.

  • Fear of being cheated.

  • Fear that my partner could think that I'm sexually promiscuous.

  • Dirty body parts.

  • Yucky stuff that comes out of men and women during sex.

  • Not trusting my partner to that level.

What would you need your partner to do in order for you to deny him / her as few actions as possible? Examples:

  • Nothing. (I will deny whatever I will deny.)

  • We have to be in a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship.

  • We have to be married.

Starting from the condition that your partner has to protect your body and mind, not do something that hurts you, is there anything that you want to deny to your partner from the start? Say explicitly what you deny, and try to provide a reason. Examples of what is denied:

  • Everything. Only sex in the missionary position is acceptable.

  • Photographs and videorecordings.

  • Involving other people.

  • Intense domination or rough sex. Some domination and some rough sex may be allowed.

  • Significant pain.

  • Everything that isn't related to human sexuality (like body excretions).



General

Do you know that the vast majority of women need to have their clitoris stimulated in order to have an orgasm, and that very few women can have an orgasm only through vaginal penetration? (An orgasm always includes pelvic contractions; very few women report having an orgasm without contractions, and no men.)

As a woman, can you orgasm only through vaginal penetration, without your clitoris being stimulated?

Who should have an orgasm first, the man or the woman?

During sex, the man has an orgasm, but the woman doesn't have hers. What should each of them do? Should the woman satisfy herself? Should the man satisfy her, and how? (Read this for tips.)

Clitoris stimulation. Who should do it, how, when and for how long should this happen?

Would you like to receive from your partner full body massages, which include the erogenous areas? What about giving such massages?

How should sex usually start? Examples: tame, passionate, delicate, romantic, dominant, rough, wild, primitive.

How should sex usually be, after the start? Examples: limited to reproduction, restricted, tame, passionate, delicate, romantic, dominant, rough, wild, primitive, unleashed, with abandonment (I'll fully give myself to my partner).

When and where would you like to usually have sex? Examples: in the bedroom before going to sleep, on the livingroom couch in the evening, on the kitchen table, in the broom closet.

How would you prefer the location where you have sex to be usually lit? Examples: daylight, well lit, dim lit, dim lit with colorful lightbulbs (reddish is best), bedside lamps with dimmable lightbulbs, candle lit, moonlit, dark. Why do you like it lit like this?

How long should foreplay usually last, including massaging, petting, kissing and oral stimulation? Examples:

  • Just say the word and I'm ready to go.

  • I'm quick.

  • I'm a slow man. / I'm an average woman. (10...15 minutes.)

  • I'm analog, so you have to push a lot of buttons.

  • We should experiment how long is too much.

How long should thrusting last, during a session of sex? Examples:

  • I'm quick.

  • I'm average. (5...10 minutes.)

  • I'm a bit slow.

  • I like to enjoy myself.

  • Overindulgence is the key to happiness.

  • What's sex without divine ecstasy?

  • Why stop before you can sip the nectar of gods?

  • We are gods of sex. Yeah, gods always refer to themselves in plural.

  • We should experiment how long is too much.

  • Thrusting could last for a long time if it's mixed with other kinds of stimulation (like oral or massaging), or with pauses.

How would you tell / encourage your partner to end a session of sex which is taking too long for you:

  • Get it over with!

  • Are you done yet?

  • Can you finish already?

  • It's taking too long.

  • Did you get lost in there?

  • I'm bored.

  • Can you take me from behind so I can watch a movie?

  • Buddy, the text of the book is jumping up and down. Can you not push so hard?

  • I'm counting sheep already.

  • I want to see / feel you finish (inside me)! Show me how you finish!

  • I wouldn't say anything, and let him / her continue.

How many times do you feel sexually aroused during a day? Examples: none, once, twice, several times, many times.

How often should sex happen? Examples: daily, 5 times per week, 3 times per week, 2 times per week, 1 time per week, 1 time per month. Do you feel the need to have sex with this frequency, or do you accept to have sex with this frequency?

How often would you like to initiate sex? How often would you like your partner to initiate sex? Examples: never, sometimes, half of the time, most of the time.

How would you initiate sex? How should your partner initiate sex? Examples: verbally ask for it (like "I want you"), touch partner's body in a suggestive way, take the partner by hand and lead him / her to the bed, silently (see Preventing conflict for details). Give some details about the words that you would use, or about how you would touch the partner's body. Do not touch the body of the other person, just explain! How would you prefer your partner to initiate sex?

When sex is initiated by one partner but the other doesn't want it, how should the initiator be refused? Examples to say: "Not today", "I'm not in the mood", "I'm too tired", "I have a headache".

If sex is refused by one partner, what alternative activity is acceptable? Examples: none, looking in each other's eyes, spooning (= with almost no hand movement, and no rubbing), cuddling (= with some hand movement on the body, and a bit of rubbing), insertion of fingers in the vagina (and keeping them inside).

Would you like your partner to look into your eyes during sex? How much time should such a look last? How often should this happen during a session of sex? Would you like to ask for it to happen? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often. (When you look in someone's eyes, focus on a single eye, on a single point. Don't switch your focus between his / her eyes.)

Would you enjoy seeing your partner's orgasm? (Usual visible signs of orgasm: body-wide rigidity and spasms, contracted face, contracted or opened mouth, firm or fast pelvic movements. The internal pelvic contractions are not necessarily visible; the perineum, vulva and vagina can show these contractions directly, while the penis shows them through ejaculation.)

Noise during sex: quiet or noisy? Answer separately for you and your partner. Examples of quiet noises: as quiet as possible, heavy breathing, whimpers (short and soft sounds), quiet moans (long and soft sounds), whispering that can be understood, whispering that can't be understood. Examples of loud noises: loud moans, talking, screaming. (It's recommended to occasionally make some sort of noise in order to show to your partner that you enjoy the sex, and especially his / her body and actions.)

Do you prefer to be passive (/ sit still) and let your partner work on you, or active and work on your partner?

Which partner should be active during sex, and work on his / her partner?

  • Both.

  • The man.

  • The woman.

Positions during sex. Any unacceptable positions? In what positions would you prefer to have sex most of the time? What positions are the most arousing for you? What positions are the least arousing for you?

During sex, do you like to have pauses without thrusting, and sit still while embraced with penetration, or should thrusting be continuous until orgasm? How long can the pauses be at most: tens of seconds, minutes, tens of minutes? How often should this happen during a session of sex? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often.

Having sex in front of a mirror. Would you like to be prominently visible and admired by your partner in the mirror, during sex? Would you like your partner to be prominently visible and admired by you in the mirror?

After sex activity. Examples: tight body contact with penetration, tight body contact without penetration, looking in each other's eyes, spooning (= with almost no hand movement, and no rubbing), cuddling (= with some hand movement on the body, and a bit of rubbing), insertion of fingers in the vagina (and keeping them inside), sleep, talk, do the dishes, smoke.

If you would like to fall asleep spooning your partner, what part of your his / her body would you like to hold? Examples: chest / breasts, abdomen, hip, genitals.

Multiple orgasms. For how long after an orgasm is your penis / clitoris too sensitive to be stimulated? After an orgasm, can you have another one within 10 minutes?

When would you prefer to talk with your partner about what should change in the way you two will have sex in the future? Examples: never, before sex, during sex, after sex, while making dinner, during a stroll (so there is no eye contact). If you are asked to change certain things, would you change accordingly? Examples of what to ask:

  • How was it for you?

  • Would you want to change anything the next time?

What do you think about getting naked whenever your partner asks you to undress, even if you're doing something else, in order to look at your body for a few minutes?

What do you think about getting naked and staying where your partner puts you, in whatever position your partner wants, in order to look at your body for a few minutes?

What do you think about having improvised sex, whenever your partner simply takes you, even if you're doing something else? Improvised sex means quick sex in uncomfortable positions and in the nearest available location, so not in bed, but somewhere like on a table / desk, standing (maybe leaning against some furniture or wall), or crammed into a couch. (While the surprise element of improvised sex can keep the sex life interesting, women are usually not interested in sex without prelude because the vagina requires time to lubricate, else the sex is painful for them, so you may have to use artificial lubrication. It's recommended for the man to keep a condom in his pocket, for such occasions.)



Likes and dislikes

The things that you like sex for. From the list of statements below, specify maximum 3 which are most important to you. You can rephrase the statements so that you are either the person on whom the action is done ("me"), or your partner who is implied to be doing the action. You can add your own statements. GAMIFIED.

  • Partner's naked body, the geometry of it.

  • Partner's tightly packed / squeezed body. Examples: his / her knees to the chest and ankles to the ears.

  • Seeing and feeling my partner's pleasure.

  • Getting pleasure from my partner.

  • Emotional closeness, intimacy, sharing deep and intimate feelings.

  • Feeling of relaxation resulted from abandoning control over my body.

  • Feeling of having my body controlled by someone else.

  • Physical closeness, tight body contact without penetration.

  • Physical closeness, tight body contact with penetration.

  • Penetration, the actual entry of the penis.

  • Seeing the erect penis disappear in the body and feeling it how it makes its space inside the body.

  • Being filled by a penis.

  • Having several holes filled by a penis and vibrators / dildos, at the same time.

  • Seeing and feeling partner thrusting.

  • Thrusting in dominating positions.

  • Seeing my partner beg for orgasm while I repeatedly stop stimulating him / her just before he / she reaches the orgasm, and then I start stimulating him / her again.

  • Seeing and feeling my holes getting pounded.

  • Seeing and feeling partner using my body like a sex toy, to satisfy all his / her sexual pleasures.

  • Breasts bouncing / jiggling around.

  • Foreplay.

  • Clitoral stimulation.

  • Vaginal sex.

  • Fellatio (= oral stimulation of the penis).

  • Cunnilingus (= oral stimulation of the vulva and clitoris).

  • Facesitting (= sitting with genitals on partner's face).

  • Anal sex.

  • Ejaculation on or in body.

  • Seeing and feeling partner's orgasm.

  • Seeing and feeling partner's multiple orgasms.

  • Role play, where my partner acts like someone else during sex.

The things that you dislike sex for. From the list of statements below, specify maximum 3 which are most important to you. You can rephrase the statements so that you are either the person on whom the action is done ("me"), or your partner who is implied to be doing the action. You can add your own statements. GAMIFIED.

  • Being demanded sex as if it's an obligation.

  • Being pressed for sex after refusing.

  • Being asked for sex when I'm tired.

  • Partner who doesn't care about my pleasure.

  • My lack of orgasm.

  • Lack of physical closeness, especially after sex.

  • Partner's lack of emotional involvement.

  • Partner's lack of respect.

  • Feeling of losing control.

  • Lack of foreplay.

  • Partner thrusting too hard (= fast or deep).

  • Session of sex too short.

  • Partner wanting only vaginal sex.

  • Fellatio (= oral stimulation of the penis).

  • Cunnilingus (= oral stimulation of the vulva and clitoris).

  • Ejaculated fluids (like semen) in my mouth.

  • Ejaculated fluids (like semen) on my face.

  • Anal sex.

  • "Accidental" anal penetration.

  • Cleaning body before sex.

  • Cleaning body and other things after sex.

  • Partner's lack of (oral, genital or anal) hygiene.

  • Farting during sex.

  • Being abandoned / ditched after sex.



Advanced

Sex toys: vibrators, dildos, others. Is it fine to use them during sex? Is it fine if your partner uses them separately from the sex with you?

Desired physical teasing without penetration. Examples: penis rubbed on vulva and vaginal entrance, breasts and nipple stimulation (with mouth, fingers, penis), feather over skin, soft textile material (like silk) over skin, soft whipping.

Would it be interesting for you to amplify your pleasure by having several body areas stimulated at the same time? For example, a woman could have 6 areas stimulated by her partner, through: oral penetration by the penis, vaginal penetration with a vibrator which has an extension that can stimulate the clitoris at the same time, anal penetration with another vibrator, and rubbing her breasts with the man's hands.

The most intimate thing that you're willing to do with your partner during sex. Examples: let's see the next topics for details, anything he / she wants without hurting me, anything he / she wants and some pain is acceptable (detail the pain). If the answer says "anything", it's understood that your partner has to protect your body and mind, not do something that hurts you.

What do you think about fellatio (= oral stimulation of the penis) and cunnilingus (= oral stimulation of the vulva and clitoris)? Deep-throat? Facesitting (= sitting with genitals on partner's face)? Answer separately as receiver and giver.

What do you think about anal sex? Answer separately as receiver and as giver. (Read this before categorically denying anal sex.)

How do you feel about semen? Considering that the man is required to avoid ejaculating in the eyes, nose, ears and head hair of his partner, on which or in which other parts of his partner's body is the man required to avoid ejaculating?

Preferred type of sex. Is there a type of sex that you would like to have much more than all the other types? Examples: vaginal, fellatio (= oral stimulation of the penis), cunnilingus (= oral stimulation of the vulva and clitoris), anal.

What you like and dislike for every type of sex: vaginal, fellatio, cunnilingus, anal. Discuss other types of sex, if desired to have or avoid.

What kind of sex is acceptable during the days with menstruation? Examples: none, fellatio (= oral stimulation of the penis), clitoral stimulation, anal, vaginal.

Masturbation. Have you ever done it and how often? Masturbation helps people understand what their bodies like. Would you do it in front of your partner, if he / she asks you to do it, to watch the spectacle of your body and to learn what makes you whimper? Is it fine if your partner continues to masturbate during the relationship with you? If it's not fine, would you fulfill your partner's sexual needs whenever he / she asks, so that he / she doesn't need to masturbate? Don't take the last question as a demand to feel obligated to fulfill your partner's sexual needs and fantasies, answer what you want to do.

What do you think about mutual / reciprocal masturbation?

If your partner asks you for sex but you don't want, are you fine with your partner masturbating? Are you fine with him / her watching pornography? Are you fine if your partner does these things in the room where you are, provided that he / she doesn't disturb you (directly), or should he / she do it in another room?

Pornography. Have you ever watched? Are you still watching? What categories do you like? Are you upset if your partner has watched before you've met? Is it fine if your partner continues to watch? If it's not fine, would you fulfill your partner's sexual needs and fantasies whenever he / she asks, so that he / she doesn't need to watch pornography? Don't take the last question as a demand to feel obligated to fulfill your partner's sexual needs and fantasies, answer what you want to do.

Do you think that pornography is bad? Do you think this because pornography appears to degrade women, or appears to promote sexual violence against women? What do you think about the pornography where independent amateur couples publicly share their sexual activities, in a do-it-yourself manner? Is it possible that your belief that pornography is bad is due to the specific categories of pornography that you have watched? Is it possible that there are other categories that you don't consider bad?

Do you have a fetish? A fetish is usually something physical that has to happen in order to become sexually aroused, something other than thinking about having sex and physical stimulation of the genital organs.

Do other people have, or are there on the Internet, photos or videos of you nude or while you were having sex?

Nude during a videochat. Have you done this? Would you do it?

How would you feel about your partner taking photos and videos of you during sex? Would it be acceptable and under what conditions? Would it be fine to take such photos and videos, watch them after sex and then delete them immediately? Would it be fine to take such photos and videos if your face were not visible in them? (It's strongly recommended to avoid doing this at the beginning of a relationship. See safety tips.)



Domination

The woman should answer this first: Would you like your partner to be submissive or dominant during sex? Examples (you can choose multiple answers):

  • Neither.

  • Maybe submissive.

  • Somewhat submissive.

  • Very submissive.

  • Maybe dominant.

  • Somewhat dominant.

  • Very dominant.

Do you like explicit talking? Explicit talking means saying out loud, in great detail, what you do, feel, see and want during sex, how good the sex is for you and with you, and how much you like what is happening; use a confident and bold attitude which shows that you know how to give pleasure through your actions. Answer separately for saying the words and for hearing them. How often should this happen during a session of sex? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often. Explicit talking should involve prolonged eye contact, especially by requesting it from the partner, should be whispered, should be said with conviction, and should include a reference to the person talking, either in the first or third person, like "I'm doing XXX to you" and "A man / woman is doing XXX to you". From time to time, the person talking should request the other person to repeat from his / her point of view what was said, like "You're doing XXX to me" or "A man / woman is doing XXX to me".

Do you like dominant talking? Dominant talking means telling the partner how weak and submissive he / she is, and instructing him / her what to do as a submissive person or toy, in detail. Dominant talking should be done with a confident and bold attitude which shows knowledge about how to give pleasure through actions, and should have a low sound volume (maybe even whispered). Examples:

  • (Look at yourself in the mirror.) Look at what a man / woman is doing to you.

  • (Look at yourself in the mirror.) Look at how a man / woman is using your [insert body part].

  • Say / describe what a man / woman is doing to you.

  • Say / describe what you see.

  • Do you (want to) belong to me? (Follow this with instructions about what you're partner has to do.)

  • Do you want to be a good / bad girl? (Follow this with instructions about what you're partner has to do. As a good girl, your partner has to do what you're instructing her because she's accepting your authority. As a bad girl, your partner has to do what you're instructing her because she also wants to do those things.)

  • What did you do good to deserve what I'm doing to you?

  • What did you do wrong to deserve what I'm doing to you?

  • Do you understand that your [insert body part] belongs to me?

  • Who is in control (of your body), you or I?

  • Look in my eyes.

  • Moan so I can hear your pleasure.

  • Are you worthy of giving me pleasure?

  • Are you worthy of getting pleasure from me?

  • I will satisfy all my sexual needs with your body and all your holes.

  • Give yourself completely to the man / woman.

  • Give yourself completely to me. Do you feel how intimate this is?

  • Be mine!

  • Abandon your body!

  • Lose yourself!

  • Are you saving yourself for someone else?

  • Are you ashamed of what I'm doing to you? That's very good. You're (lovely) all blushed and with wet eyes.

  • What would your friends say if they found out that a man / woman is doing this to you? What if they saw you like this in a video?

Do you like submissive talking? Submissive talking means telling the partner how weak and submissive you are; use a shy but lusty attitude which shows your willingness to receive pleasure. Submissive talking should be whispered. Examples:

  • I belong to you.

  • I want so much to belong to you.

  • My [insert body part] belongs to you.

  • Fill me with your (big) [insert body part].

  • You're honoring me by shoving your [insert body part] in / up my [insert body part].

  • You would make me worthy (of your attention) by [insert action].

  • You would honor me by [insert action].

Do you like offensive talking? Offensive talking means saying to your partner words like "whore", "slut", "cunt"; use a confident and bold attitude which shows that you know how to give pleasure through your actions. Answer separately for wanting to say the words, and for wanting to hear them. How often should this happen during a session of sex? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often. Offensive talking should involve prolonged eye contact, especially by requesting it from the partner, should be whispered, should be said with conviction, and should include a reference to the person talking, like "You're my XXX" or "You're a man's / woman's XXX". From time to time, the person talking should request the other person to repeat what was said, from his / her point of view, like "I'm your XXX" or "I'm a man's / woman's XXX". Examples:

  • You're my (little) XXX.

  • Do you want to be my (little) XXX? (Follow this with instructions about what you're partner has to do.)

Do you like safe danger during sex? Safe danger is, for example, when you like to watch a storm from the safety of your home, or when you play by simulating danger and fighting (pups play like this). If your partner were to explicitly provide you a mentally and physically safe space, would you let go of control and do what your partner asks, feel the danger that lack of control brings, yet feel pleasure?

Do you have to be disciplined / punished / dominated / insulted / humiliated sexually for your naughtiness, disobedience, lewdness or even for being too nice / good? Say the reason why you have to be punished.

Would you like to be used as a sex toy rather than a person, and your partner to use your body to exclusively satisfy all his / her sexual pleasures, even if he / she is rough to your body, but not hurtful? Would this make you feel a combination of fear, arousal, abandonment and relaxation? Would you like to use your partner as a sex toy?

Would you like to watch how your body is being used for sex? Would you like to feel like you're outside of your body and have no control over it, while your partner is using it to satisfy all his / her sexual desires? What if you were being forced to look at how your body is being used for sex?

Being restrained / tied up. How would you want to be tied, with what and in what position? How would you want to tie your partner? What about being blindfolded? What about wearing earplugs? If you were tied up, blindfolded and wearing earplugs, you would not know who is having sex with you. How would you feel about not knowing? In theory, your partner could bring someone else to have sex with you, and you wouldn't know.

Think about a dominating sexual act that you want to do to your partner, something that your partner may have to think carefully before accepting. Examples: anal sex, deep-throat. You are the giver and your partner is the receiver. Now think that you two swap bodies. Would you want your partner to do that act to you? What would you feel as the receiver? Examples: shame that other people might know what I'm doing, fear of being used for sex and then abandoned, fear of being cheated, fear that my partner could think that I'm sexually promiscuous. What would you need to feel safe as the receiver?

Following a session of domination, the partner who was dominant must slowly reintroduce the partner who was submissive back to the normal world. What should the dominant partner do?

  • Be rough with the submissive partner.

  • Be cold and arrogant with the submissive partner, with only hints of being rough.

  • Ignore the submissive partner, as if he / she doesn't exist at all.

  • Delicately care for the submissive partner.

  • Change from one moment to another between being rough, cold, arrogant, ignorant and delicate with the submissive partner.



Rough sex

Delicate and rough sex. How much delicate, how much rough? If you don't know whether you like rough sex, should the roughness start from a light intensity and increase progressively until you discover your limits?

Would you like your partner to behave like a brute with your body, without actually hurting you?

How rough or delicate should talking be? Should gestures and talking be in contrast (one rough, one delicate)?

Hair pulling.

Forcefully pushing the chin up to expose the neck.

Tossing and flipping the body around.

Dominating grip (applying great pressure on the body, usually with the hands), pinning down (by the wrists).

Spanking / slapping the: buttocks, face, other body parts.

Light choking (not asphyxiation). SAFETY TIP: Surround the neck with the fingers, under the jaw. Don't push on the front part of the neck, don't push on Adam's apple, and don't push the tips of the fingers on the neck, because that could produce a fatal pressure! Be very careful not to slip on the (front part of the) neck.

Penetration with thick objects.

Forced deep-throat.

Physical pain. Explain what kind.



Rough sex safety

What intensity should rough sex normally have? Examples:

  • Light: slapping, gripping, light biting.

  • Medium: tying up (especially hands and feet).

  • Tough: marks may remain on the body for a few minutes (from slapping, gripping, biting).

  • Extreme: light bruising allowed.

  • Unspeakable for the overwhelming majority of people.

If the intensity of rough sex escalates over the normal level, like if mutual slapping turns into hitting, agree on a maximum allowed intensity. If the maximum is exceeded, you agree to stop without further action and pause for a few minutes; go do something else. Examples: not acceptable to escalate, tough, extreme, unspeakable.

Is crying the equivalent of the safeword? Crying means more than the eyes getting a bit wet, it means the presence of dripping tears or sobbing. Should rough sex stop if tears start dripping from the eyes of one of the partners? Should rough sex stop if one of the partners starts sobbing?



Sexual fantasies

A sexual fantasy is a scenario to think about, a story to immerse yourself into, not necessarily something to do in real life, due to safety concerns, shame or feeling that fulfilling it would spoil you (/ your innocence).

A sexual fantasy is about something that you don't have or can't have in your real life. For most people, romance is not a sexual fantasy, but is a romantic fantasy because they can have it without feeling shame. For people who had past experiences that left them unable to ever experience romance again, romance can become a sexual fantasy.

A fantasy brings diversity and novelty to the mind, mind which otherwise gets bored quickly, but without the potential (safety) risks of actually fulfilling the fantasy.

Sexual fantasies and rough sex are like watching a storm from the safety of a solid home, that is, they are pleasurable because they let you observe the roughness of Nature from a safe place. For most people, storm watching and sexual fantasies exist because they want to feel explicitly safe, not because they want to feel in danger. However, people who want to get out in the storm and people who want to fulfill some sexual fantasies, do feel some need to be in danger.

Role playing is simulating a fantasy, that is, only you and your partner are physically involved in the role play, even if the fantasy includes other imaginary people.

If you role play a fantasy of domination or aggression, you should create and use a safety language which allows the dominated partner to direct how the domination must change, by saying simple words. Here is a basic language that you can use:

  • Violet: The role play must end and anything which is being done to you must stop. If you are restrained / tied up, you must also be released.

  • Red: The role play must end and anything which is being done to you must stop, but you can remain restrained / tied up. This is known as the safeword.

  • Yellow: Anything which is being done to you must have its intensity decreased visibly.

  • Green: Anything which is being done to you must continue in the same manner.

  • Diamonds: Anything which is being done to you must have its intensity increased visibly.

You should take turns telling one fantasy at a time.

Detail your sexual fantasies. How much pleasure do you feel when you think about them? (Some fantasies are present in the mind but don't produce pleasure. See fantasy examples below, for inspiration.)

Role play. Would you like your partner to act like someone else during sex? Examples: a stranger, neighbor, coworker, delivery person, teacher, nurse. How often?

Which fantasies would you like to role play? Describe how you imagine role playing happening; perhaps keep some details to yourself, to maintain some element of surprise.

How much would you like to make these fantasies happen in real life, and in what role: only as an observer, as an active participant?

What do you think about sexual fantasies?

  • I'd like to live them in real life. (See fantasy examples below, to detail which you want to happen in real life.)

  • I like thinking about them because they provide a release of the sexual tension, but I don't want to live them in real life.

  • I don't want to think about them. Examples why not: I'm too ashamed of them, they may be too tempting, they are immoral.

Examples of sexual fantasies:

  • Sex in a secluded public location, like a forest, a corn field, a back hallway or room where people don't normally go into.

  • Sex in a secluded private location, like a cabin in the mountains.

  • Sex in a friend's or stranger's house.

  • Sex at night, in a room with the lights turned off, in front of the open window.

  • Sex for the first time, in a romantic way.

  • Sex for the first time, with a much older partner.

  • Being tied up, blindfolded, wearing earplugs, not knowing who is having sex with me.

  • Having several holes filled by penises, at the same time. Which holes? What positions?

  • Seeing several of my partner's holes filled by penises. Which holes? What positions?

  • Sex with my partner and another man.

  • Sex with my partner and another woman.

  • Sex with other people, like a stranger, neighbor, coworker, delivery person, teacher, nurse.

  • Being watched when I'm having sex with my partner.

  • Watching my partner having sex with someone else.

  • Being tied up and forced to watch my partner having sex with someone else.

  • Being watched by my partner when I'm having sex with someone else.

  • Swapping partners with one or more couples.

  • Having sex at a sex party. This includes having sex with several people, watching other people having sex, and being watched by other people while I'm having sex.

  • Being used by a partner who then abandons me. Alternatives: this happens when I have sex for the first time.

  • Being watched by a large audience when I'm having sex with one or several people at the same time. Alternatives: someone else dominates / overpowers me and makes me have sex. The audience could be made by: strangers (at a party, in the street, construction workers), coworkers (in the office), college students (in a dorm, in a classroom, during a lesson about anatomy and sexuality).

  • Being physically controlled by someone, like a stranger or an authority figure, and being unable to make decisions myself. The controller doesn't care about my pleasure and treats me like an object to be used either by himself / herself or by others (like strangers, my colleagues, or his / her friends). Alternatives: I resist being controlled (so the controller has to become more dominant).

  • Being physically controlled by several people who don't care about my pleasure and treat me like an object to be used for the pleasure of others. Those people could be: strangers (at a party, in the street, construction workers), coworkers (in the office), college students (in a dorm, in a classroom, during a lesson about anatomy and sexuality).

  • Being caught by a train conductor when I have no ticket.

  • Being stranded in a place with no rules and no laws, like a post-apocalyptic world, and either having to have sex to survive, or being forced to have sex.

  • Being captured as a spy and forced to have sex.

  • Swapping genders: the man becomes the woman, the woman becomes the man.

  • Having sex with someone of the same gender.



Various

Number of sexual partners until now, for any kind of sex, including genital, oral or anal sex.

If you are still virgin, what is the reason? Examples: too young, no interest in sex so far, haven't found the right partner, waiting for the right long-term partner, waiting until marriage due to religious reasons.

What would you like your partner to do for / to you sexually?

How would you like sex to happen usually? Describe what's mostly present in your mind. (You should skip this topic if you want the first sex to be a physical act rather than a verbal act.)

Do you feel the need or desire to take me, or to give yourself to me, and have sex with me, not necessarily right now?

Telling your friends details about your sex life. To which friends would you tell such details? How many details would you share? Would you talk about what your partner does during sex? Would you talk about your partner's sexual fantasies?

Have you had sex without a condom? What was the shortest time after the start of a relationship, when you stopped using condoms? For what kinds of sex?

How long after the start of a relationship are condoms not required anymore, in particular for oral sex? (Men should be careful about having sex without a condom because if the woman skips her contraceptives, accidentally or intentionally, she could get pregnant and the man would become financially responsible for the child.)

In a long-term relationship, for what kinds of sex are condoms not required? Examples: none, only oral, only oral and vaginal, all.

What age were you when you've lost your virginity? Here, losing virginity means any form of sex (including any of: vaginal, oral or anal sex).

How did you feel when you've lost your virginity?

Contraceptives: condoms, hormonal implants, hormonal pills. What kind should be used by the man, what kind by the woman? Condoms have the highest efficacy (similar with hormonal implants), don't affect the hormonal balance of either partner, and protect from sexually transmitted diseases. See how to choose the correct condom size.

As a woman, how do you feel during the days with menstruation? Do you use internal tampons or external pads? Is there anything else that you would like to tell the man about menstruation? Tip: men may care about your body and health, but most aren't interested in graphic details about menstruation.

Why do men like breasts? If you think that it's because it reminds men of being breast-fed, consider that women went through the same experience yet they don't share the same interest for breasts. Also, while they are hidden, there are other hidden body parts which don't present the same interest, like the armpits. Could it be because they are playful (large, soft and wobbly)?

Do you have any infection or disease which can be transmitted during sex?

Farting in bed, during or after sex, when you can't just go to the bathroom.



Monogamy and jealousy

When is it acceptable to lie to your partner about things that you know (or suspect) matter a lot to him / her?

Is it acceptable for you and your long-term partner to look at and admire other people, like strangers passing by, that you / he / she finds attractive? Is it acceptable to follow such stranger with the eyes, maybe even turn the head, as they pass by? This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like kissing, petting or sex) with the other people. Can this happen when you are nearby? All people who are in relationships will be physically attracted to strangers, at various times, and denying them the pleasure of admiring others will result in frustration and even pain. So long as they have self control, is it acceptable for them to let their fantasy run wild for a bit?

Is it acceptable for you and your long-term partner to fantasize about having sex with other people? This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like kissing, petting or sex) with the other people. If you're afraid that such fantasizing would lead to cheating, ask the other person if he / she has ever fantasized this way, and whether he / she was able to remain faithful or abstinent. If he / she did either then there is no reason for you to fear such fantasizing.

Until what moment is it acceptable for you and your partner to give compliments to other people, but without flirting further. This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like kissing, petting or sex) with the other people. Can this happen when you two are nearby? Examples: until we have our first sex together, until we agree to be in a sexually monogamous relationship.

Until what moment is it acceptable for you and your partner to flirt with other people? This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like kissing, petting or sex) with the other people. Can this happen when you two are nearby? Examples: until we have our first sex together, until we agree to be in a sexually monogamous relationship.

In a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship, after how much time of having no (quality) sex with your partner would you say that either the relationship should end, or the partners may have sex with other people? Answer separately when temporary medical causes are involved, like after giving birth. Examples: 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year.

In a sexually monogamous relationship, is it acceptable for you to have occasional and short sexual affairs with someone who you find irresistible? Is it acceptable for your partner to have them?

When is it acceptable to (sexually) cheat on a partner? Is it acceptable when the partner has cheated first? Is it acceptable when the partner (almost) never wants sex, and months have passed since the last time you had sex?

If you were to (sexually) cheat, or to seriously consider cheating, why would you do it? Saying "I would not cheat" or "I don't know" are not acceptable answers. You have to think about what is it that you may be missing most in a monogamous relationship.

If your partner were to (sexually) cheat on you, would you like him / her to tell you, or should he / she terminate the relationship without giving you such details?

How would you react if you were told or you found out that your partner (sexually) cheated on you?

If your partner has to go for a genital or breasts medical checkup, what gender would you prefer the physician to have? Examples: not important, male, female. It's understood that there are serious medical cases when it's not possible to choose the gender of the physician. How much does it matter? Have you been to such a medical consultation? What was the gender of the physician?

Touching people that you're not sexually involved with, people of the gender of your person of interest, people like friends, relatives and acquaintances. Talk separately about embracing / hugging, pecking, kissing, petting and dancing. Specify your expectations and boundaries.

What would you do if, at a party, a person of your gender of interest were to ask you to dance with him / her? Examples: accept, accept only close relatives and close friends, accept only if I'm extremely attracted to that person, refuse.

Exhibitionism. How exhibitionist would you say you are? How would a potential partner have to dress in order for you to say he / she is too exhibitionist? Do you use skimpy outfits to show off your body in public? What kind of cleavage on a woman is too exhibitionist? Do you use a tiny swimsuit or a covering one? Are your buttocks mostly exposed or mostly covered by the swimsuit? Describe your swimsuit. Do you have sheer / translucent curtains and opaque curtains on windows?

Do you walk naked in front of the videocameras from laptops, phones, TVs, surveillance systems and other devices? Have you covered such videocameras with adhesive tape? (If you don't know why you should cover such videocameras, read what happened in the case of Miss Teen USA.)

How would you react if you were to see your partner talking alone with someone that he / she may be attracted to, someone that you don't know? What would you feel and how would you react if you were to see them touching (except for a handshake)?

Would you call your partner often to check where he / she is, who he / she is with and what he / she is doing? Have you ever or would you ever ask your partner to send you photos taken with his / her smartphone, as proof of what he / she says?

Checking each other's devices (like phone, tablet, computer) from time to time, out of jealousy. Is it acceptable? Is it required? Is it acceptable to do this without the knowledge of your partner?

Knowing the passwords for each other's devices and online accounts (like email and social networks). Is it acceptable? For security reasons, it's strongly recommended to not give any of your passwords to other people, especially those that allow access to your computers.

If for privacy and security reasons the partners don't have access to each other's smartphone, would you accept to always put your phone face up and allow the incoming messages to be visible on the lockscreen, at least when you are at home?

After what hour of the day should texting (and calling) with other people (even family members) stop? Examples: 10 at night, midnight, just before getting into bed.

Talk about jealousy for any topic which was not already discussed. State your expectations from and boundaries for a relationship. State the intensity of your needs.

Your past relationships. How long did each last and why did it end? If one relationship was bad for a long time, why did you stay in it for that long?

From what you now know about me, would you trust me to spend several hours alone with someone that I find sexually attractive? Answer separately for the following scenarios: in daylight in public, in a dim lit private venue (like a bar), sleeping in the same bedroom (in different beds).



What life owes you

Do you want to receive gifts on special days like your birthday, Valentine and Christmas? Gift examples: flowers, chocolate, jewelry, a car. A memorable gift that you've given or received.

If you're wearing makeup or jewelry, or you have dyed hair or long nails, how would you feel if you could never do that again? If you think that would never leave your house, how would you feel if you had to leave your house?

If you're carrying a large handbag, how would you feel if you could never do that again and you were forced to use a tiny handbag? What objects would you absolutely have to put in the tiny handbag?

How much do you want other people to respect your opinion, and tell you that you are beautiful and / or smart? How would you feel if virtually everyone ignored your opinion, and nobody told you that you are beautiful and / or smart?

Do you want your partner to put you on a pedestal and treat you like a prince / princess (/ king / queen / god / goddess), in order to feel happy and satisfied? Be very serious when answering this question.

Do you see your partner as a knight in a shinning armor who comes to rescue you? If yes, what do you have to be saved from?

Whatever your expectations from your partner are, would you spend the time, energy and effort to give him / her the exact same things that you expect him / her to give you, or would you give something in exchange? An example of the same thing: you expect him / her to listen to your problems and offer you support, and you do the same for him / her. An example of exchange: you expect him / her to bring the money, while you do the cooking and cleaning.

If you are bored, do you expect your partner to entertain you, or do you find something yourself (like your hobbies)?

How much monthly income do you realistically expect your partner to have? What about savings and real estate? What is the monthly income that you bring into the relationship? If your partner has significantly more money than you, what should he / she buy for you? If your partner brings the money into the relationship, what do you bring?

Would you marry someone who has no college degree?

Most annoying, but not bad, things that your partner could do.

Is life fair? Should life be fair? If yes, what magic will make that happen?

What do you feel when you hear of someone who is very successful financially, professionally or romantically? Envy? Do you want to have the same things because you're just as good as he / she is? Do you just want to have those things right now, or would you spend years or decades of your free time and life trying to build those things yourself?

How much do you believe in conspiracy theories? For example, do you believe that there are well known diseases which were created by some people in order to be unleashed into the world for nefarious reasons? How would things be different if such a disease were to have occurred naturally? Why does it matter for you personally whether the disease is natural or artificial?

What does life owe you?



Handling conflict

Do you clearly tell your partner, in words, what you want and need from him / her? If you don't tell your partner what you want, do you expect him / her to know what you want? Do you say one thing but expect you partner to do the opposite?

If you ask your partner whether you look pretty or not, and he / she says something that you don't like, what do you think next?

  • He / she is a jerk.

  • I was expecting a compliment.

  • I've asked for his / her opinion and got the truth.

If you feel that you and your partner are not spending enough quality time together, and you tell him / her that, what is most likely that you would do next?

  • I would expect him / her to do something about it.

  • I would tell him / her what specific actions I would like to happen in the real world.

  • I would understand that this feeling can't be translated into the real world because I can't say what specific actions I need to happen, and I would ignore this feeling.

When you're upset about something that your partner did, and he / she asks you what's wrong, do you expect that he / she should know the reason (without you saying it)?

Would you refuse to do what your partner wants, when what you want matters to you?

Handling your mistakes. Do you acknowledge (to yourself) your mistakes? Remember some recent mistakes (the bigger, the better) and how you've handled them. Remember an argument when you realized that you were (or could have been) wrong; did you continue to argue, or did you stop?

Handling the negatives and mistakes of others. Do you often reproach things to other people, like why they did or didn't do certain things?

Handling of refusal, rejection, denial, accepting "no" for an answer.

If you argue with someone, do you expect your partner to take your side or the logical / rational side?

How do you react when someone makes you angry? Do you think it's healthier for conflict to be resolved by releasing repressed emotions (for example, through yelling), or by talking calmly? If there is a conflict between you and your partner, do you criticize, mock, raise your voice or yell? Do you try to understand the point of view of your partner, and why he / she thinks like that?

How do you prefer to handle an issue that you see in the behavior of your partner?

  • Ignore it.

  • Point out the issue since I know better how things should be, even if I have to do it angrily.

  • Gently say what I would like to happen / change, even if I have to repeat myself several times with the same soft and neutral voice.

When your partner points out an issue in your behavior, how do you react?

  • Ignore it since I know myself better.

  • Argue since I know myself better.

  • Try to understand the issue in depth by asking for details. Since my own behavior is the neutral state to which I compare everything around, I may be oblivious to certain things that I do wrong, so my partner may know me better than I do myself in such cases.

What do you do if you're partner hurts your feelings? Examples: plan to get my sweet revenge some other time, argue with him / her and forget about it after sleep, work hard to improve myself and leave this partner if this happen too much.

During an argument with your partner, would you accept your partner's point of view even though you think that you are right, or would you insist on what you think is right? How would you try to convince your partner that you are right?

Are you used to drawing the attention of someone who is in another room, by raising your voice?

If you and your partner were to get into a huge argument, who would you share your plight with? Describe the personalities of those people. Whose side would they be on, how would they make such a decision?



Preventing conflict

Warning: sexual content included.



Build emotional closeness

Would you like for you and your partner to tightly embrace each other for 5...10 minutes every day or once every two days? (You might also like to look in each other's eyes for several minutes. When you look in someone's eyes, focus on a single eye, on a single point. Don't switch your focus between his / her eyes.)

Having desired physical contact builds and maintains emotional closeness, which helps to reduce conflict frequency and intensity. Physical contact is critical for the development of happiness.

This kind of physical contact:

  • Includes strongly pressing large body parts against each other, like: chest on chest, abdomen on abdomen, chest on back, chest on buttocks, abdomen on buttocks.

  • Includes light touching or caressing, with the hands, of various body parts, like: back, chest, abdomen, buttocks, nape, thighs, arms.

  • May include penetration.

  • Excludes sexual thrusting and dominating sexual positions.



Initiate arguments silently

What do you think about initiating arguments silently rather than with an emotional outburst?

Arguments usually start with an emotional outburst (like mockery or yelling), and from there each partner can say things that amplify the emotionally charged situation.

To try to stop this progression, you can replace the first emotional outburst with a visual indication: put in front of your partner an object which is designated to indicate the start of the argument, but don't say anything, no matter how angry you are. If you slam the object in front of your partner, it's clear that you are very angry.

Let your partner ask you, calmly, even if it's a few minutes later, what the problem is.

The object should be soft, like a plush toy.



Dilute arguments sexually

If during an argument your partner asks you to get naked (for the rest of the argument), when you are in a private location, do you agree to either get naked or walk away from the argument?

What would you do after an argument with your partner?

  • I would refuse to have sex with my partner in that day.

  • I would have sex to forget the arguing.

  • One of us must be disciplined / punished / dominated / insulted / humiliated through sex, decided as follows:

    • The person who is wrong; we have to clarify who.

    • The person who is correct; we have to clarify who.

    • The person who has the last word in support of their argument.

    • The man.

    • The woman.

    • Coin flip.

  • Both of us must be disciplined / punished / dominated / insulted / humiliated through sex.



Initiate and negotiate sex silently

What do you think about initiating and negotiating sex silently, as described below?

Choose a flat surface (like a furniture) in a location by which you pass on your way to the bedroom, like a hallway, bathroom or the bedroom itself.

To initiate and negotiate sex in a day, put an object on that surface.

Before you go to bed, look at that surface to see if your partner has also put an object on it. If he / she did, you know that you'll be having sex that night, but if that surface has on it only your object, you know that you'll not be having sex that night, so don't ask your partner further.

You can use different types of objects, and multiple objects, to negotiate the type of sex that you would like to have. Your partner could put on that surface an object that is:

  • Specifically designated to indicate the acceptance of what you requested.

  • A different type of object, which indicates that your partner wants that other type of sex, so you have to either accept that or have no sex.

Example objects: teaspoon = spooning / cuddling (no sex), lipstick or lipbalm = vaginal sex, ring = oral sex, lubricant = anal sex, (sewing) thread = tying up.



Settle sexual differences

What do you think about using the sex menu day to settle the sexual differences (regarding the acceptable frequency of sex and the actions to do during sex)?

What do you think about the gamification of the settlement of sexual differences (regarding the acceptable frequency of sex and the actions to do during sex), as described below?

Let each partner have a number called available points.

Every week, add 7 points to the available points of each partner. The available points are never reset, but can't exceed the number of points added in 2 weeks (so 14 points).

A partner can, at any time, request the other partner to accept one or more actions, actions which are not necessarily limited to sex.

Each action is valued with a number of points. Examples: vaginal sex = 1, oral sex = 2, anal sex = 4, being tied up = 2, being blindfolded = 2, ejaculation in sensitive areas = 2, get naked for 15 minutes = 1, let's go out in the city = 2, get naked for the duration of the argument we're having = 2.

When an action is requested but is refused by the other partner, nothing happens.

When an action is requested and accepted by the other partner, its associated number of points is deducted from the available points of the partner who made the request, unless the remaining available points would be below 0, in which case nothing happens.

Based on your preferences, you should customize the number of points given every week, and the number of points associated to the possible actions.



Money and safety

What is the / a difference between successful and unsuccessful people?

Handling of money. Wasting it versus hoarding it; give some examples of how you do either. Do you have savings for a few months of living without an income?

How do you feel about debt? Example purposes: home purchase / construction, home renovation, vacations, small purchases, credit cards.

Expensive habits (including hobbies), priced in money but also in time spent engaged with them.

Financial risk taking. Do you like to risk money? Do you like betting?

Joint bank account. What would be the maximum value of such an account? Would each partner have their own account?

Prenuptial agreement. A prenuptial agreement normally covers only what each partner owns from before marriage, and can't lawfully apply to what becomes property after marriage. The law doesn't split property based on claims that someone isn't a bad person and therefore doesn't have to sign a prenuptial agreement. A prenuptial agreement which is signed by someone who later claims to have signed it in distress, is usually thrown out by a court of law, so it should be signed in front of a lawyer. In some countries, if two people live together for a certain period of time, the partners may have a legal claim over the assets of the the other partner, as if they were married.

Handling of private information like financial information, home and work addresses. Do you publish such information online, on social networks? In what context?

Privacy and security in the online world. Do you run or install, on your computer, programs from your friends or from unknown sources? Do you open email attachments from unknown sources?



Nature of Reality

If you are interested in learning more about these topics, see What is Reality, Free will and Consciousness.

What is the origin of the Universe? Examples: infinity (everything possible already exists), laws of physics popping randomly out of nothingness (and forming a deterministic progression of change), a simulation started in another Universe, a god.

What is time? Examples: the progression of change, there is no time because everything already exists, a dimension in which everything moves (and might be able to go back into).

What is the origin of the human species? Examples: natural evolution, a god.

Do people have free will? Can a person make a choice without being causally bound to the Universe, or is everything a deterministic progression of change that has started from the beginning of the Universe? Do people actually have free will, or do they believe that they have free will because they can't see the entire chain of causality that has started from the beginning of the Universe, chain which determines their choices?

Do souls exist? If they do, they must be immaterial, made from something other than matter, since no matter has been observed to make them. Is consciousness a fundamental property of the Universe? Are souls immortal? Where were your soul and consciousness before you were born?

Teleportation is a process through which information can be transmitted over great distances. Matter can be teleported by: scanning the molecules at the origin, destroying the original (so that you don't get a duplicate), transmitting the scanned information through a communication channel, and reconstructing the molecules at the destination. Only atoms have so far been teleported. If a person were to be teleported, how would the soul and consciousness be also teleported, considering that they are not made of matter (so the teleporting machine would be unable to access these)?



Deep

What do you think about lying, in general?

  • It's acceptable.

  • It's acceptable in rare cases.

  • White lies are acceptable.

  • It's destroying morality, except when the truth would put people in physical danger.

Is it acceptable for a woman to get pregnant without her partner's knowledge, in any of the following ways:

  • Stop using her contraceptives, like the pill.

  • Take semen of out her partner's condoms (and insert it in her vagina).

  • Puncture her partner's condoms.

  • Get pregnant by another man.

Are you annoyed by people who (are): ordered, messy, logical, illogical, take hygiene very seriously, ignore hygiene? How ordered or messy are you? How logical or illogical are you?

What your quirks are. What are you obsessive-compulsive about? Examples: buying things, saving money, hygiene, logic.

Self control, delayed gratification. Are you usually aiming to get a (partial) result as quickly as possible, or are you waiting more time to get the best result possible?

What is ignorance for you?

  • Bliss.

  • A path to pain.

Physical risk taking. Do you like danger? Are you attracted to dangerous situations?

What responsibilities you wish you didn’t have? What are your least favorite chores?

Home chores. Distribute the chores between you two: cooking, washing dishes, washing (and ironing) clothes, cleaning, toilet cleaning, taking out the trash.

Do you need to have the clothes ironed? What about the bed sheets?

Could you let the dishes unwashed over night?

Toilet seat position: up or down. When flushing, some toilets will splash water from the bowl onto the rim, so on the seat (if it's down).

Toilet paper position: must roll from the top (facing the person), must roll from the bottom (facing the wall).

How do you sit on a foreign toilet? How do you sit on a public toilet, like at the office?

If your partner had to move to a different city for his / her job, would you follow him / her?

Charity work, donations, activism.

Respect for authority.

Political and environmental views, firearms.

Narcotics.

Getting older.

Plastic surgery, breast implants. As you grow older, do you intend to use plastic surgery to make your body look younger?

Astrology, superstition, religion. Do you think that astrology can predict the course of human relationships or of the future? Is religion a good thing for you personally?



Marriage and children

Why would you want to marry?

If you want to marry, what kind of ceremony would you like to have? Examples: none, with only the immediate family, with the extended family and friends, with over 100 guests.

Who would pay for the wedding?

Children. Do you ever want to have children? How many? When do you want to have one? If it's not possible to conceive, what would you do? Adopting children. Children from previous relationships.

How would you think to the children that you give birth to?

  • My children.

  • Our children (mine and their father's).

As a woman, if you tell a man that he's the father of your child, is it fine for him to get a DNA test in order to be sure?

If you marry and divorce after having children (with that spouse), how would you split spending the time with the (minor) children? Examples: 100% with me, most time with me, 50% with each of us, most time with my ex-spouse, 100% with my ex-spouse.



Gender equality

Who should make more money, you or your partner? How strongly do you feel about this?

Do you think that a man who has a successful career and makes a lot of money appears to be more attractive to a woman? Do you think that a woman who has a successful career and makes a lot of money appears to be more attractive to a man? Do you think that men aren't interested enough in women who have successful careers and make a lot of money?

Should a feminist do the following?

  • Pay for the entire first date.

  • Pay half of the bills, including food, rent / mortgage, home renovations, furniture, home appliances.

  • Carry the groceries.

  • Take out the trash.

  • Paint the (yard's) fence.

  • Mow the lawn.

  • Change the lightbulbs.

Do you think that today's feminists want gender equality, or preferential treatment for women (as compensation for how women were treated in the past)?

What represents feminism for you more?

  • Men are pigs.

  • Men are pigs, but I want (to marry) one.

  • Girl power.

  • Equal treatment for men and women.

  • Equal treatment and equal responsibility for men and women.

Do you think that women are less aggressive than men, or that it only appears so because men are direct in their conflicts (known as "stab you in the front") whereas women are indirect (known as "stab you in the back")?

Do you think that most men want to harm women in general, either sexually or non-sexually? Do you think that most women want to harm men in general?

The expression "toxic masculinity" is being used in political fights to manipulate public opinion. Do you subscribe to the view that masculinity is toxic, or to the view that specific behaviors, like violence, are toxic (regardless of the gender of the perpetrator)? Do you believe that this expression induces in the public the idea that masculinity as a whole is vile? What is the difference between normal and toxic masculinity?

One of the criteria for defining "toxic masculinity" is: men who rely too much on themselves and are too independent to be manipulated into submission by the people who scream "toxic masculinity". In order to not be labeled as being toxic, should men become submissive to these people and become their tools?

There is a significant trend to define sexual assault as touching or grabbing a women's hand (without consent), and rape as pushing the man's body against the woman's body (without consent), in order to make the official statistics show larger numbers, statistics which don't list the separate levels of intensity of the actions that they refer to. What do you think of these definitions?

When a woman (who you don't know) accuses a man (who you don't know) of harassment or assault, sexual or not, but there is no evidence of that happening, is it right for the man to be fired from his job and to be harassed by the public? Is it right to believe the woman only based on her claims?

Considering that there is no evidence, if a woman (who you don't know) accuses a man (who you don't know) of hitting her, the man responds that the woman has hit him first, and the woman denies his claim, who do you believe and why?



Marrying a feminist

On average, women want to marry men who make 60% more money than them. What do you think that a man who makes that kind of money would get by marrying a feminist woman who behaves in many of the following ways?

  • Doesn't act as the family binder.

  • Doesn't have time to spend with the children and her husband.

  • Doesn't cook for the family.

  • Doesn't clean the house.

  • Is bossy with her husband.

  • Takes custody of the children in case of a divorce. Legal courts overwhelmingly give the custody of children to women.

  • Takes half of her husband's wealth in case of a divorce, since, overwhelmingly, women marry men who make more money than them.

  • Rarely accepts to have sex with her husband and doesn't enjoy having it, especially because she perceives sex as men dominating women.

Examples of what the man would get: gets to worship a queen, gets to provide a good life for his queen, gets a normal life, gets a miserable life, gets what he deserves for not understanding psychological manipulation.

Do you think that a feminist carrier woman who's trying to become accomplished by the time she's 30 to 40 years old, believes that accomplished men are waiting in line in order to marry her?



Pain

Do you regularly take any medication?

What you're offended by. What should not be joked about.

What annoys you the most in people, in life, in the world. The answer doesn't need to be serious, this is a good opportunity to make fun of something bad in life.

What you are afraid of.

Long time dream which you have abandoned. Why did you abandon it?

Your biggest failure to seize an opportunity.

What do you most regret doing or not doing in your life?

The biggest challenges and obstacles in your life. How did you overcome them?

Frustrating or tormenting moments. How did you overcome them?

The last time you cried by yourself (or in front of others, if that's more relevant).

Punishments for criminals. Merciful or vengeful?



Filler

Your perfect day. How would it be for you?

What things would you like to be able to do more?

What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

What was your favorite childhood toy?

What was your favorite activity as a child?

What do you remember most vividly from your childhood?

Do you remember from your childhood a moment when you thought that magic was real, or when you thought that you were special and invincible?

What was your favorite activity as a teenager?

What would you like to change in the way you grew up? What decision from your past would you change?

Role models. Did you have any?

Ability or quality that you don't have but desire.

What do you feel most grateful for, in life?

Dressing style, clothes, out in the city and at office. Examples: formal, casual, sporty.

Do you like dancing?

Is clubbing one of your hobbies?

Would you live on Mars for 6 months?

If you could time travel at any moment in history, what would you want to see?

What would you do if the world were about to end in a few days?

How prepared would you be for an apocalypse? Example scenarios: an asteroid hitting Earth, catastrophic weather, Sun burning out, vampires, zombies.

What would you do as the absolute ruler of the world?

What do you do for work?

Current family. Place of birth, where you've moved.

Who do you talk to the most? Yourself, parents, friends?







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