Go back to Searching for a Partner



Summary

There are over 300 very detailed conversation topics.

Alternating the person who answers first means that neither person will expose all his / her personality first, while the other person lies in order to pretend that he / she is a good match.



Table of contents

Exploratory

Relationship

Sexual lifestyle

Stimulating

Intimacy

Living together

Sex

Monogamy and jealousy

Filler

What life owes you

Handling conflict

Preventing conflict

Nature of Reality

Money and safety

Deep

Gender equality

Pain



Gamified topics

Skip reading this section until you see a topic marked with "GAMIFIED".

The topics which are marked with "GAMIFIED" (and contain a list of choices) can be optionally gamified. You can gamify a topic either the first time you answer it, or at a later time (when you can reanswer it).

When a topic is gamified, it means that on top of the number of choices that each person may freely select for the topic, number which is specified in the topic, each person may select more choices when paying a closeness cost (described below).

A topic which can be gamified is designed not only to be fun, but also to show people's ability to allocate scarce resources. If your person of interest defies the instructions of the topic and freely selects more choices than the topic specifies, it means that they are willing to use trickery to go around obstacles, and are unable to prioritize and allocate scarce resources.

Here are the available closeness costs (each can be repeated multiple times):

If you forbid the touches and kisses, but the other person insists that you should accept, make it clear that "It's too early for physical contact". If the other person still insists, walk away because that person is from the wrong pool of potential partners.

A gamified topic may have some choices from the list marked with the words "ONLY GAMIFIED". Such a choice can be selected only by someone who is paying a closeness cost to select more choices for that topic, that is, it can be selected only when a compliment, touch / caress or kiss is involved.



Exploratory

Tell me about you. What's your life story? (If he / she says "It's a long story", you could say "I like hearing your voice.")

Tell me something interesting about yourself, something that you are proud of, your greatest (physical or mental) accomplishments.

Compliment yourself about something other than your physical appearance. I think that few people can compliment themselves about something else, at least with a non-generic compliment.

What do you care about, what do you feel passion for, what are your hobbies and activities? Any project that you currently work on? (It's a fallacy of the modern, educated world to think that partners should feel passion for the same things. Rejecting the people who don't share your passions will make it virtually impossible to find a partner. When he / she tells you his / her passions, you can continue the conversation by asking "What made you interested in [insert activity]?")

What are the longest projects that you've been focused / working on, the ones that needed the most energy and attention?

As a child, what did you want to be when growing up?

The happiest moments of your life. (If he / she takes too much to think, you can tease him / her by saying "So, this must be the happiest moment of your life.")

What makes you happy, or what would make you happy. What stands between you and your happiness?

Describe yourself with short attributes, like: lazy, energetic, messy, ordered, open book, mysterious / private, going with the flow, focused, determined, passionate, creative, logical.

Which of the following represents you more?

What are questions for you?

What do you think about asking and being asked hundreds of questions about your personality?

Eating style, diet, weight control. Describe what you usually eat during a day. Walking versus going by car. What you eat in general. Your favorite foods. Your favorite deserts. How often do you eat at restaurants?

What you drink and how much: water, tea, coffee, alcohol, vegetable and fruit juices, sweetened beverages.

Show some photos of yourself, or photos that you've taken.

Show some photos of your home, something that you're proud of.

Very weird, funny, amazing or embarrassing things that have happened to you or that you have seen.

If you could do anything you wanted right now, what would you do?

If you would not have to work for money, what would you do with your life?

Types of videoclips that you are watching online, like documentaries, personal development, movies, music. Could also be articles or books. You could search for them online, on your smartphone, to show what you're interested in.

Teach me (about) something. Keep the lesson within a few minutes.

What you think a lot about, other than goals in life, hobbies or job.

Your current priorities in life.

What do you value most?

Goals in life and what you are doing to achieve them. What do you expect from life, in the long term? What dreams do you have for the future? What do you expect the future to bring you? Are you trying to build the future that you dream of?



Relationship

Type of relationship that you want to have next. Examples: conversational friendship (sex is excluded), intimate friendship (sex is unlikely, but not impossible), long-term and sexually monogamous relationship (could lead to marriage), short-term relationship (sex is likely), non-monogamous relationship (sex is likely), casual relationships (mostly for sex), one-night stands (only for sex). (This topic is about your next relationship, not about what happens between you two.)

If you're looking for a long-term relationship, do you still see yourself together with the same person after 10 years? If the answer is "no", does it mean that you want more than one long-term relationship?

In the next 12 months, is it likely for you change your mind about the type of relationship that you want?

In your next relationship, are you looking for realistic expectations and friendship, or for magic, fate and a soulmate? How would you recognize your soulmate?

What are you looking for in a relationship? Examples: companionship and friendship, sex, financial security, maybe children at some point.

Until what moment is it acceptable for you and your current partner to have conversations with other people, which could result in a romantic relationship with those people (after breaking the relationship between you two)? This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like kissing, petting or sex) with the other people. Examples: until getting the second / third / fourth date, until we discuss all these conversation topics, until we have our first sex together, until we declare love to each other, until we agree to be in a sexually monogamous relationship, until engagement, until marriage.

How do you feel about manifesting your affection for your partner in public, by: holding hands, hugging, pecking, kissing, kissing passionately?

When meeting your partner somewhere, do you prefer to kiss then hug, or to hug then kiss? Hugging before kissing builds anticipation for the kiss.

What's the funniest, weirdest or craziest idea for a date that you would like to go on?

Physical or mental traits that attract you to men / women.

Physical, mental or behavioral traits that you dislike about yourself. This can help your person of interest to be a bit more patient in those areas, so long as you don't exploit that patience.

What makes you a good partner?

What was your first impression of me? What were your concerns about me? Has anything changed now? What are your concerns now? Concerns refer to things that make you feel uncertain whether you should talk to me or avoid me.

Do I have anything that you would not normally choose a partner for?

How often would you like to spend time with someone, before you live together? Examples: every day, twice per week, once per week.

How often would you like to communicate with someone, before you live together? Would you prefer to communicate mostly through messaging or phone calls? Should the messaging be done through online messengers or SMS?

In case your partner doesn't answer immediately, how much time is it acceptable to pass until he / she returns your call? What about until responding to a message of yours? If your partner doesn't answer within the acceptable time, would you try to contact him / her again?

If your partner were to cancel a date that was supposed to last the entire next day, what would your reaction be? What activities would do instead?

Which partner should generally take control of planning to do things together? Examples: the man, the woman, equally the man and the woman. Answer separately for the following things:

Who should pay for your first meal together? Examples: each (for what they order), the man, the woman, the person who has more money. Who should pay for the second meal?

If a woman is asked, for the first time, by a man to do something together, like talk or have sex, and the woman explicitly says something like "No", "Not interested" or "I don't want to", what do you think she means and what should the man do next? What if the woman doesn't explicitly refuse the man? What if the woman says "Maybe"?



Sexual lifestyle

Warning: sexual content included.

These topics can create a tensed atmosphere, so they should be discussed toward the end of a date.

Tell this to your person of interest, to prepare him / her for the subject: "This is about the way people regard / view sexual behavior; it isn't about the way people have sex."

If at the end of this section you see an unacceptable incompatibility, you can say "We have (very) different personalities" in order to subtly indicate that you will not pursue a relationship with your person of interest.

If you are interested in learning more about sexual lifestyles, see this.

What are the minimum and maximum number of sexual partners that would be normal for you to have during your lifetime? Examples: as few as possible, between several and 10, between 10 and 20, between 10 and 40, as many as possible. How strongly do you feel about these numbers? These numbers refer to what you want in reality, not to what you fantasize with no intention of making happen.

What are the minimum and maximum number of sexual partners that would be normal for your partner to have during his / her lifetime? Examples: as few as possible, between several and 10, between 10 and 20, between 10 and 40, as many as possible, I don't care. How strongly do you feel about these numbers?

Is it necessary for you to have sex with your partner before you two agree to be in a long-term relationship, because that's how you ensure that you are sexually compatible for the long-term?

When is it acceptable to start having sex with a new partner? Examples: after the first / second / third successful date, after a few weeks, after we agree to be in a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship, after engagement, after marriage.

If you think that it's acceptable to start having sex with a new partner only after you two agree to be in a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship (/ engagement / marriage), you should first be sure (with a reasonable doubt) that you two are compatible for such a relationship. How will you make sure of that? Examples: conversations, time (at least a few months). Will you abstain from having sex (with anyone) before you're sure that you're compatible?

Until what moment is it acceptable for you and your partner to have sex with other people? Examples: until getting the first / second / third / fourth date, until we have our first sex together, until we declare love to each other, until we agree to be in a sexually monogamous relationship, until engagement, until marriage.

How much does each of the following apply to what you think of sex?

If you desire something sexual, do you have to make it happen in reality, or can some sexual desires remain unfulfilled for you? For example, if you are single and you feel the need to have sex, do you find someone to have sex with, or do you wait for a long-term partner. Another example, if you are fantasizing about having sex with people other than your partner, do you do act on this desire, or can this desire remain unfulfilled?

Did you ever have sex in a relationship other than a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship?

Have you had sex with someone the first time you physically meet him / her? What about the second time?

Would you have sex with a virgin? (It it matters, here, virgin means someone who has never had vaginal, oral or anal sex.)



Stimulating

Travel: vacation locations and business trips. What kind of places do you prefer to visit in your vacations: cities, quaint villages, resorts, rugged nature, mountains, beaches. Do you like hiking, camping? Where did you go in your last vacation? Where else have you traveled? Where would you like to go in your next vacation? Would you go in a vacation without your partner when it's not possible to go together? Would you go in a vacation without your partner so that when you are back together you have something interesting to talk about?

Search online for visual art, like photographs, paintings, or sculptures; try to find something out of the ordinary, maybe even controversial. Form your search terms by combining words like "controversial", "surreal", "outstanding" with "photographs", "paintings", "sculptures", "fine art", "art". Comment on the art. What do you think about someone who displays that art in his / her home? What do you think about a man who displays in his home a photo of a nude woman, or about a woman who displays in her home a photo of a nude man?

Something that pushed your mental capacity to the limit.

Something that pushed your physical capacity to the limit.

The most valuable life lesson you’ve learned.

Something that would be useful to know in life but isn't taught in school.

A home for you and your partner. House or apartment? Where should it be located? Your dream house and location. Type of design examples: modern, minimalistic, classic, contemporary.



Intimacy

GAMIFIED. What are the 3 most important personality traits that you would like your partner to have? Choices (specify when a choice is extremely important to you; you can add your own choices):

GAMIFIED. What are the 3 most important ways in which you would like your partner to often express his / her attraction, passion and love for you, to make you feel special? Choices (specify when a choice is extremely important to you; you can add your own choices):

Would you like for you and your partner to tightly embrace each other for a long time (like 10 minutes), every day or once every two days? See Preventing conflict for details.

What do you like about me, what attracts you to me?

What body perfumes do you like? Can you feel each other's perfume? You could go to a shop and try to find something that you both like.

If you could switch bodies with your partner for a day, what would you do that day?

Look in each other's eyes for a few minutes; 2 minutes is fine. Focus on a single eye, don't switch between the eyes.

What would you need your partner to do in order to make you feel the desire to throw yourself in his / her arms, abandoning yourself, while saying "You can do anything you want with me!"

When is a good moment for the first hug? (If your person of interest takes too long to answer, you could say "Now seems a good moment." If he / she looks unable to decide, you could say "Let's see if it is" and lean toward him / her for the hug, but don't go all the way and allow him / her to complete the hug.)

When is a good moment for the first kiss?

Something deeply intimate about you. Something that makes you feel very vulnerable. Something that makes you feel like you're undressing your soul and say "Accept me as I am or leave!" Before answering, obtain a verbal agreement, like "I agree", from both of you, that the answers to this topic will be treated with absolute confidence, and will not be shared with others. If this agreement is not happening, or if an answer refers to something unlawful, skip this topic.



Living together

Do you work during the day? Do you work night shifts?

At what time do you usually go to sleep?

Do you nap during the day?

How heavy or light do you usually sleep?

At what time do you usually wake up? Energy in the morning, after you wake up. Are you noisy when you wake up? Do you want to talk to someone, or do you need some quiet time to go through the morning rituals?

Noise that you make at home, which could disturb the neighbors. Parties and loud music.

Slippers. How do you walk around the house? Examples: barefoot, with slippers, with shoes.

What kind of clothes do you wear when you're at home?

Where do you change in and out of your outdoor clothes? Examples: bathroom, bedroom, walk-in wardrobe.

When during the day, and for how long, do you need to regularly use the bathroom most, for things like showering or number 2?

When you are in the bathroom, with the door closed, is it acceptable for your partner to come in?

Pets. Do you need to have pets when living with your partner?

Smoking.



Relaxation

What do you usually do to relax?

What parts of the city (in which you live) do you like most?

How do you usually spend your evenings and nights?

What do you usually do during the weekends?

Favorite physical activity, sports.

Favorite boardgames, videogames.

Favorite books, movies, TV shows, music, art.

How much time do you watch streaming services (YouTube, Netflix)? How much time do you watch classical / broadcast television?

Do you like soap operas?

Do you like horror movies?



Sex

Warning: sexual content included.

Discussing about sex requires a certain familiarity and attraction that develops in time, so it should be avoided during the first date.

If you are interested in learning about sexuality, see Sexual Education.

Let's talk about sex. Here are some conversation guidelines:

Pubic hair preference for both partners; includes the hair on and around the genital organs and anus. Options: removed (shaved, lasered off, waxed), removed but with a decorative patch preserved, trimmed, hairy. If there is disagreement, try to reach an agreement. What would you say makes a man / woman: pubic hair or mental maturity? Pubic hair traps perspiration, and therefore smell, especially in the summer.

Personal hygiene. How often do you shower? How often do you wash your: hands, teeth (flossing, electrical toothbrush), genital organs, anus. How often do you change your underwear and socks. Do you put your dirty clothes in the hamper?

When talking about sex, do you prefer to use a formal or a slang type of language? Any custom mix? Formal: sex, penis, vulva, vagina, semen. Slang: fuck, cock, cunt / pussy, cum.

What do you usually call / name your own genital organs, in a non-sexual context? Use the actual word, don't replace it with something that you think is more appropriate for the conversation! What do you usually call them in a sexual context?

Would you need to have sex in order to relax, or would you need to relax in order to have sex?

Some people must feel the desire to have sex in order to start having sex. Some people must start having sex in order to feel the desire to have sex and enjoy it. Which of the two types are you a part of?

How much does each of the following apply to what you think about feeling pleasure while you're having sex with your partner?

During sex, to which degree does each of the following statements represent you: getting pleasure from my partner, giving pleasure to my partner?

Are you aware that the vast majority of women need to have their clitoris stimulated in order to have an orgasm, and that very few women can have an orgasm only through vaginal penetration? (An orgasm always includes pelvic contractions; very few women report having an orgasm without contractions, and no men.)

During sex, the man has an orgasm, but the woman doesn't have hers. What should each of them do? Should the woman satisfy herself? Should the man satisfy her, and how? (Read this for tips.)

Clitoris stimulation. Who should do it, how, when and for how long should this happen?

What do you find arousing, erotic?

Would you like to receive from your partner full body massages, which include the erogenous areas? What about giving such massages?

Make an argument in favor of the brain being a sexual organ.

How important is sex for you? How important should sex be for your partner?

How much would you enjoy sex?

How would sex with you be? How would you try to make your partner (physically) ecstatic?

When and where would you like to usually have sex? Examples: in the bedroom before going to sleep, on the livingroom couch in the evening.

How would you prefer the location where you have sex to be usually lit? Why do you like it lit like this? Examples: daylight, well lit, dim lit, dim lit and colored (by colorful lightbulbs), candle lit, moonlit, dark. Why do you want the location to be lit like this?

How long should (a session of) sex usually last? How long should foreplay last? How long should thrusting last?

How many times do you feel sexually aroused during a day? Examples: none, once, twice, several times, many times.

How often should sex happen? Examples: daily, 5 times per week, 3 times per week, 2 times per week, 1 time per week, 1 time per month.

Do you feel the need to have sex with this frequency, or do you accept to have sex with this frequency?

How often would you like to initiate sex? How often would you like your partner to initiate sex? Examples: never, sometimes, half of the time, most of the time.

How would you initiate sex? How should your partner initiate sex? Examples: verbally ask for it, touch partner's body in a suggestive way, silently (see Preventing conflict for details). Give some details about the words that you would use, or about how you would touch the partner's body. Do not touch the body of the other person, just explain!

When sex is initiated by one partner but the other doesn't want it, how should the initiator be refused? Examples to say: "Not today", "I'm not in the mood", "I'm too tired", "I have a headache".

If sex is refused by one partner, what alternative activity is acceptable? Examples: none, looking in each other's eyes, spooning (= with almost no hand movement, and no rubbing), cuddling (= with some hand movement on the body, and a bit of rubbing).

After arguing with your partner, would you usually refuse sex to him / her? Would you like to forget arguing by having sex?

Would you like your partner to look into your eyes during sex? How much time should such a look last? How often should this happen during a session of sex? Would you like to ask for it to happen? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often.

Would you enjoy seeing your partner's orgasm? (Usual visible signs of orgasm: body-wide rigidity and spasms, contracted face, contracted or opened mouth, firm or fast pelvic movements. The internal pelvic contractions are not necessarily visible; the perineum, vulva and vagina can show these contractions directly, while the penis shows them through ejaculation.)

How do you feel about having sex in front of a mirror? Would you like to be prominently visible and admired by your partner in the mirror? Would you like your partner to be prominently visible and admired by you in the mirror?

Noise during sex: quiet or noisy? Answer separately for you and your partner. Examples of quiet noises: as quiet as possible, heavy breathing, whimpers (short and soft sounds), quiet moans (long and soft sounds), whispering that can be understood, whispering that can't be understood. Examples of loud noises: loud moans, talking, screaming.

Do you prefer to be active, or sit still and let your partner work on you?

Positions during sex. Any unacceptable positions? In what positions would you prefer to have sex most of the time? What positions are the most arousing for you? What positions are the least arousing for you?

Do you like explicit talking? Explicit talking means saying out loud what you do, feel and see during sex, and how good the sex is with you. How often should this happen during a session of sex? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often.

During sex, do you like to have pauses without thrusting, and sit still while embraced with penetration, or should thrusting be continuous until orgasm? How long can the pauses be at most: tens of seconds, minutes, tens of minutes? How often should this happen during a session of sex? Examples of frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, often.

After sex activity. Examples: tight body contact with penetration, tight body contact without penetration, sleep, talk, do the dishes, smoke.

Multiple orgasms. For how long after an orgasm is your penis / clitoris too sensitive to be stimulated? Can you have 2 orgasms in 10 minutes?

When would you prefer to talk with your partner about what should change in the way you two are having sex? Examples: never, before sex, during sex, after sex, while making dinner, during a stroll (so there is no eye contact). If you are told to change certain things, would you change accordingly?

How much are you for or against getting naked whenever your partner asks you to undress, even if you're doing something else, just to look at your body for a minute?

How much are you for or against improvised sex, whenever your partner simply takes you, even if you're doing something else? Improvised sex means quick sex in uncomfortable positions and in the nearest available location, so not in bed, but somewhere like on a table / desk, standing (maybe leaning against some furniture or wall), or crammed into a couch. (While the surprise element of improvised sex can keep the sex life interesting, women are usually not interested in sex without prelude because the vagina requires time to lubricate, else the sex is painful for them, so you may have to use artificial lubrication.)



Likes and dislikes

GAMIFIED. What are the 3 most important things that you like sex for? Choices (specify when a choice is extremely important to you; you can add your own choices):

GAMIFIED. What are the 3 most important things that you dislike sex for? Choices (specify when a choice is extremely important to you; you can add your own choices):



Advanced

Sex toys: vibrators, dildos, others. Is it fine to use them during sex? Is it fine if your partner uses them separately from the sex with you?

If your partner asks you for something that you find unacceptable (but not sick), would you try it once or twice before you deny it to your partner?

Submissive and dominant roles. How much submissive, how much dominant?

Would you like to abandon yourself, your (control over your) body, to your partner, so long as your partner is delicate to your body and mind? Would this make you feel a combination between relaxation, fear and arousal?

Would you like to be used as a sex toy rather than a person, and your partner to use your body to exclusively satisfy all his sexual pleasures about domination, even if he / she is rough / brutal to (but not hurting) your body? Would this make you feel a combination between relaxation, fear and arousal? Would you like to use your partner as a sex toy?

Delicate and rough / brutal sex. How much delicate, how much rough?

Do you have to be punished or disciplined sexually for your naughtiness, disobedience, lewdness or even for being too nice / good?

Would it be interesting for you to amplify your pleasure by having several body areas stimulated at the same time? For example, a woman could have 6 areas stimulated by her partner, through: oral penetration by the penis, vaginal penetration with a vibrator which has an extension that can stimulate the clitoris at the same time, anal penetration with another vibrator, and rubbing her breasts with the man's hands.

What do you think about fellatio (= oral stimulation of the penis) and cunnilingus (= oral stimulation of the vulva and clitoris)? Deep-throat? Facesitting? Answer separately as receiver and giver.

What do you think about anal sex? Answer separately as receiver and giver. (Read this before categorically denying anal sex.)

How do you feel about semen? Considering that the man is required to avoid ejaculating in the eyes, nose, ears and hair of his partner, on which or in which other parts of his partner's body is the man required to avoid ejaculating?

The type of sex that you would like to have most. Examples: vaginal, fellatio (= oral stimulation of the penis), cunnilingus (= oral stimulation of the vulva and clitoris), anal.

What kind of sex is acceptable during the days with menstruation? Examples: none, fellatio (= oral stimulation of the penis), clitoral stimulation, anal, vaginal.

If your partner asks you for sex but you don't want, are you fine with your partner masturbating? Are you fine with him / her watching pornography? Are you fine if your partner does these things in the room where you are, provided that he / she doesn't disturb you (directly), or should he / she do it in another room?

Masturbation. Have you ever done it and how often? Masturbation helps people understand what their bodies like. Would you do it in front of your partner, if asked? Is it fine if your partner continues to masturbate during the relationship with you? If it's not fine, would you fulfill your partner's sexual needs whenever he / she asks, so that he / she doesn't have to masturbate? Don't take the last question as a demand to feel obligated to fulfill your partner's sexual needs, answer what you want to do.

What do you think about mutual / reciprocal masturbation?

Pornography. Have you ever watched? Are you still watching? What categories do you like? Are you upset if your partner has watched before you've met? Is it fine if your partner continues to watch? If it's not fine, would you fulfill your partner's sexual needs and fantasies whenever he / she asks, so that he / she doesn't have to watch pornography? Don't take the last question as a demand to feel obligated to fulfill your partner's sexual needs and fantasies, answer what you want to do.

Do you think that pornography is bad? Do you think this because pornography appears to degrade women, or appears to promote sexual violence against women? What do you think about the pornography where independent amateur couples publicly share their sexual activities, in a do-it-yourself manner? Is it possible that your belief that pornography is bad is due to the specific categories of pornography that you have watched? Is it possible that there are other categories that aren't bad?

Do other people have (or are there on the Internet) photos or videos of you nude or while you were having sex?

How would you feel about your partner taking photos and videos of you during sex? Would it be acceptable and under what conditions? Would it be fine to take such photos and videos, watch them after sex and then delete them immediately? Would it be fine to take such photos and videos if your face were not visible in them? (It's strongly recommended to avoid doing this at the beginning of a relationship. See safety tips.)



Rough sex

What should rough sex be made of? Examples:

Rough sex safety. What intensity should rough sex normally have? Examples: light, medium, tough (marks may remain on the body for a few minutes), extreme (bruising allowed), unspeakable for the vast majority of people.

Rough sex safety. If the intensity of rough sex escalates over the normal level, like mutual slapping turning into hitting, agree on a maximum allowed intensity. If the maximum is exceeded, you agree to stop without further action and pause for a few minutes; go do something else. Examples: not acceptable to escalate, tough, extreme, unspeakable for the vast majority of people.

Rough sex safety. Is crying the equivalent of the safeword? Crying means more than the eyes getting a bit wet, it means the presence of dripping tears or sobbing. Should role playing stop if tears start dripping from the eyes of one of the partners? Should role playing stop if one of the partners starts sobbing?

How would you feel about being restrained / tied up? How would you want to be tied, with what and in what position? How would you want to tie your partner? What about being blindfolded? What about wearing earplugs? If you were tied up, blindfolded and wearing earplugs, you would not know who is having sex with you. How would you feel about not knowing? In theory, your partner could bring someone else to have sex with you, and you would not know.



Sexual fantasies

A sexual fantasy is a scenario to think about, a story to immerse yourself into, not necessarily something to do in real life, due to safety concerns, shame or feeling that fulfilling it would spoil you (/ your innocence).

A sexual fantasy is about something that you don't have or can't have in your real life. For most people, romance is not a sexual fantasy, but a romantic fantasy, because they can have it without problems. For people who had past experiences that left them unable to ever experience romance again, romance can be a sexual fantasy.

A fantasy brings diversity and novelty to the mind, mind which otherwise gets bored quickly, but without the potential (safety) risks of actually fulfilling the fantasy.

Sexual fantasies are like watching a storm from the safety of a solid home, that is, they are pleasurable because they let you observe the roughness of Nature from a safe place. For most people, storm watching and sexual fantasies exist because they want to feel explicitly safe, not because they want to feel in danger. However, people who want to get out in the storm and people who want to fulfill some sexual fantasies, do feel some need to be in danger.

Role playing is simulating a fantasy, that is, only you and your partner are physically involved in the role play, even if the fantasy includes other imaginary people.

You should take turns telling one fantasy at a time.

If you role play a fantasy of domination or aggression, you should create and use a safety language which allows the dominated partner to direct how the domination must change, by saying simple words. Here is a basic language that you can use:

Detail your sexual fantasies. How much pleasure do you feel when you think about them? Some fantasies are present in the mind but don't produce pleasure. (See fantasy examples below, for inspiration.)

Which fantasies would you like to role play? Describe how you imagine role playing happening; perhaps keep some details to yourself, to maintain some element of surprise.

How much would you like to make these fantasies happen in reality, and in what role: only as an observer, as an active participant?

Examples of sexual fantasies:



Various

Your past relationships. Why did they end?

Number of sexual partners until now.

If you are still virgin, what is the reason? Examples: too young, no interest in sex so far, haven't found the right partner, waiting for the right long-term partner, waiting until marriage due to religious reasons.

What age were you when you've lost your virginity? Here, losing virginity means any form of sex (including any of: vaginal, oral or anal sex).

How did you feel when you've lost your virginity?

In a long-term relationship, for what kinds of sex can condoms be avoided? Examples: none, all, only oral. Is there a period, from the start of a relationship, after which condoms aren't required anymore, in particular for oral sex?

Contraceptives: condoms, pills, implants. What kind should be used by the man, what kind by the woman?

As a woman, how do you feel during the days with menstruation? Do you use internal tampons or external pads? Is there anything else that you would like to tell the man about menstruation? Tip: men may care about your body and health, but most aren't interested in graphic details about menstruation.

Why do men like breasts? If you think that it's because it reminds men of being breast-fed, consider that women went through the same experience yet they don't share the same interest for breasts. Also, while they are hidden, there are other hidden body parts which don't present the same interest, like the armpits. Could it be because they are playful (large, soft and wobbly)?



Monogamy and jealousy

When is it acceptable to lie to your partner about things that you know (or suspect) matter a lot to him / her?

Is it acceptable for you and your long-term partner to look at and admire other people, like strangers passing by, that you / he / she finds attractive? Is it acceptable to follow such stranger with the eyes, maybe even turn the head, as they pass by? This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like kissing, petting or sex) with the other people. Can this happen when you are nearby? All people who are in relationships will be physically attracted to strangers, at various times, and denying them the pleasure of admiring others will result in frustration and even pain. So long as they have self control, is it acceptable for them to let their fantasy run wild for a bit?

Is it acceptable for you and your long-term partner to fantasize about having sex with other people? This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like kissing, petting or sex) with the other people. If you're afraid that such fantasizing would lead to cheating, ask the other person if he / she did fantasize this way, and whether he / she was able to remain faithful (when in a relationship) or abstinent (when not in a relationship). If he / she did either then there is no reason to fear such fantasizing.

Until what moment is it acceptable for you and your partner to give compliments to other people, but without flirting further. This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like kissing, petting or sex) with the other people. Can this happen when you two are nearby? Examples: until we have our first sex together, until we agree to be in a sexually monogamous relationship.

Until what moment is it acceptable for you and your partner to flirt with other people? This presumes that no significant physical contact occurs (like kissing, petting or sex) with the other people. Can this happen when you two are nearby? Examples: until we have our first sex together, until we agree to be in a sexually monogamous relationship.

In a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship, after how much time of having no sex with your partner would you say that either the relationship must end, or the partners may have sex with other people? Examples: 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year.

In a sexually monogamous relationship, is it acceptable for you to have occasional and short sexual affairs with someone who you find irresistible? Is it acceptable for your partner to have them?

When is it acceptable to (sexually) cheat on a partner? Is it acceptable when the partner has cheated first? Is it acceptable when the partner (almost) never wants sex and months have passed since the last time you had sex?

If your partner were to (sexually) cheat on you, would you like him / her to tell you, or should he / she terminate the relationship without giving you such details?

How would you react if you were to be told or find out that your partner (sexually) cheated on you?

If you were to (sexually) cheat on a partner, why would you do it? Saying "I would not cheat" or "I don't know" are not acceptable answers. You have to think about what is it that you may be missing in a monogamous relationship.

If your partner has to go for a genital or breasts medical checkup, what gender would you prefer the physician to have? Examples: not important, male, female. How much does it matter? It's understood that there are serious medical cases when it's not possible to choose the gender of the physician.

Touching people that you're not sexually involved with, people of the gender of your person of interest, people like friends, relatives and acquaintances. Talk separately about embracing / hugging, pecking, kissing, petting and dancing. Specify your expectations and boundaries.

What would you do if, at a party, a person of your gender of interest were to ask you to dance with him / her? Examples: accept, accept only close relatives and close friends, accept only if I'm extremely attracted to that person, refuse.

Exhibitionism. How exhibitionist would you say you are? Do you use skimpy outfits to show off your body in public? Do you use a tiny swimsuit or a covering one? Are your buttocks mostly exposed or mostly covered by the swimsuit? Describe your swimsuit. Do you have sheer / translucent curtains and opaque curtains on windows? Do you walk naked in front of the videocameras from laptops, phones, TVs, surveillance systems and other devices? Have you covered such videocameras with adhesive tape? (If you don't know why you should cover such videocameras, read what happened in the case of Miss Teen USA.)

How would you react if you were to see your partner talking alone with someone that he / she may be attracted to, someone that you don't know?

Would you call your partner often to check where he / she is, who he / she is with and what he / she is doing? Have you ever or would you ever ask your partner to send you photos taken with his / her smartphone, as proof of what he / she says?

Checking each other's devices (like phone, tablet, computer) from time to time, out of jealousy. Is it acceptable? Is it required? Is it acceptable to do this without the knowledge of your partner?

Knowing the passwords for each other's devices and online accounts (like email and social networks). Is it acceptable? For security reasons, it's strongly recommended to not give any of your passwords to other people, especially those that allow access to your computers.

Talk about jealousy for any topic which was not already discussed. State your expectations from and boundaries for a relationship. State the intensity of your needs.

From what you now know about me, would you trust me to spend a few hours alone with someone that I find sexually attractive? Example scenarios: in daylight in public, in a dim lit private venue (like a bar), sleeping in the same bedroom (in different beds).



Filler

Your perfect day. How would it be for you?

What things would you like to be able to do more?

What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

What was your favorite childhood toy?

What was your favorite activity as a child?

What do you remember most vividly from your childhood?

Do you remember from your childhood a moment when you thought that magic was real, or when you thought that you were special and invincible?

What was your favorite activity as a teenager?

What would you like to change in the way you grew up? What decision from your past would you change?

Role models. Did you have any?

Ability or quality that you don't have but desire.

What do you feel most grateful for, in life?

Dressing style, clothes, out in the city and at office. Examples: formal, casual, sporty.

Usage of online social media. Which ones? How often do you use them?

On what websites and apps do you spend most time online?

Websites you use most for online purchases. How much time do you spend researching and comparing products?

Do you like dancing?

Would you live on Mars for 6 months?

If you could time travel at any moment in history, what would you want to see?

What would you do if the world were about to end in a few days?

How prepared would you be for an apocalypse? Example scenarios: an asteroid hitting Earth, catastrophic weather, Sun burning out, vampires, zombies.

What would you do as the absolute ruler of the world?

What do you do for work?

Current family. Place of birth, where you've moved.

Who do you talk to the most? Yourself, parents, friends?



What life owes you

Do you want to receive gifts on special days, like your birthday, Valentine and Christmas? Gift examples: flowers, chocolate, jewelry, a car.

If you're wearing makeup or jewelry, or you have dyed hair or long nails, how would you feel if you could never do that again? If you think that would never leave your house, what if you had to leave your house?

If you're carrying a large handbag, how would you feel if you could never do that again and you were forced to use a tiny handbag? What objects would you absolutely have to put in the tiny handbag?

How much do you want other people to respect your opinion, and tell you that you are beautiful and / or smart? How would you feel if virtually everyone ignored your opinion, and nobody told you that you are beautiful and / or smart?

Do you want your partner to put you on a pedestal and treat you like a prince / princess (/ king / queen / god / goddess), in order to feel happy and satisfied? Be very serious when answering this question.

What do you feel when you hear of someone who is very successful financially, professionally or romantically? Envy? Do you want to have the same things because you're just as good as he / she is? Would you spend years or decades of your life trying to build those things yourself?

Whatever your expectations from your partner are, would you spend the time, energy and effort to give him / her the exact same things that you expect him / her to give you, or would you give something in exchange? An example of the same thing: you expect him / her to listen to your problems and offer you support, and you do the same for him / her. An example of exchange: you expect him to bring the money, while you do the cooking and cleaning.

How much monthly income do you realistically expect your partner to have? What about savings and real estate? If your partner has significantly more money than you, what should he / she buy for you? If your partner brings the money into the relationship, what do you bring?

Most annoying, but not bad, things that your partner could do.

How much do you believe in conspiracy theories? For example, do you believe that there are well known diseases which were created by some people in order to be unleashed into the world for nefarious reasons? How would things be different if such a disease were to have occurred naturally?

What does life owe you?



Handling conflict

Do you clearly tell your partner, in words, what you want and need from him / her? If you don't tell your partner what you want, do you expect him / her to know what you want? Do you say one thing but expect you partner to do the opposite?

When you're upset about something that your partner did, and he / she asks you what's wrong, do you expect that he / she should know the reason (without you saying it)?

Would you refuse to do what your partner wants, when what you want matters to you?

Handling your mistakes. Do you acknowledge (to yourself) your mistakes? Remember some recent mistakes (the bigger, the better) and how you've handled them. If you are arguing with someone and you realize that you've made a mistake, do you continue to argue, or do you stop?

Handling the negatives and mistakes of others. Do you often reproach things to other people, like why they did or didn't do certain things?

Handling of refusal, rejection, denial, accepting "no" for an answer.

If you argue with someone, do you expect your partner to take your side or the logical / rational side?

How do you react when someone makes you angry? Do you think it's healthier for conflict to be resolved by releasing repressed emotions (for example, through yelling), or by talking calmly? If there is a conflict between you and your partner, do you criticize, mock, raise your voice or yell? Do you try to understand the point of view of your partner, and why he / she thinks like that?

How do you prefer to handle an issue that you see in the behavior of your partner? Examples:

When your partner points out an issue in your behavior, how do you react? Examples:

What do you do if you're partner hurts your feelings? Examples: plan to get my sweet revenge some other time, argue with him / her and forget about it after a sleep, work hard to improve myself and leave this partner if this happen too much.

During an argument with your partner, would you accept your partner's point of view even though you think that you are right, or would you insist on what you think is right? How would you try to convince your partner that you are right?

Are you used to drawing the attention of someone who is in another room, by raising your voice?

If you and your partner were to get into a huge argument, who would you share your plight with? Describe the personalities of those people. Whose side would they be on, how would they make such a decision?



Preventing conflict

Warning: sexual content included.



Build emotional closeness

Would you like for you and your partner to tightly embrace each other for a long time (like 10 minutes), every day or once every two days?

Wanting physical contact builds and maintains emotional closeness, which helps to reduce conflict frequency and intensity. Physical contact is critical for the development of happiness, starting from a young age.

This kind of physical contact:

You might also like to look in each other's eyes for several minutes.



Initiate and negotiate sex silently

What do you think about initiating and negotiating sex silently, as described below?

Choose a flat surface (like a furniture) in a location by which you pass on your way to the bedroom, like a hallway, bathroom or the bedroom itself.

To initiate and negotiate sex in a day, put an object on that surface.

Before you go to bed, look at that surface to see if your partner has also put an object on it. If he / she did, you know that you'll be having sex that night, but if that surface has on it only your object, you know that you'll not be having sex that night, so don't ask your partner further.

You can use different types of objects, and multiple objects, to negotiate the type of sex that you would like to have. Your partner could put on that surface an object that: is specifically designated to indicate the acceptance of what you requested, is a different type of object which indicates that your partner wants that type of sex (so you have to either accept that or have no sex).

Example objects: teaspoon = spooning / cuddling (no sex), lipstick or lipbalm = vaginal sex, ring = oral sex, lubricant = anal sex, (sewing) thread = tying up.



Settle sexual differences

What do you think about the gamification of the settlement of sexual differences (in the desired frequency of sex and the acceptable actions), as described below?

Let each partner have a number called available points.

Every week, add 7 points to the available points of each partner. The available points are never reset, but can't exceed the number of points added in 2 weeks (so 14 points).

A partner can, at any time, request the other partner to accept or perform one or more actions, actions which are not necessarily limited to sex.

Each action is valued with a number of points. Examples: vaginal sex = 1, oral sex = 2, anal sex = 4, being tied up = 2, being blindfolded = 2, ejaculation in sensitive areas = 2, get naked for 15 minutes = 1, let's go out in the city = 2, get naked for the duration of the argument we're having = 2.

When an action is requested but is refused by the other partner, nothing happens.

When an action is requested and accepted by the other partner, its associated number of points is deducted from the available points of the partner who made the request, unless the remaining available points would be below 0, in which case nothing happens.

Based on your preferences, you should customize the number of points given every week, and the number of points associated to the possible actions.



Initiate arguments silently

What do you think about initiating arguments silently rather than with an emotional outburst?

Arguments usually start with an emotional outburst (like mockery or yelling), and from there each partner can say things that amplify the emotionally charged situation.

To try to stop this progression, you can replace the first emotional outburst with a visual indication: put in front of your partner an object which is designated to indicate the start of the argument, but don't say anything, no matter how angry you are. If you slam the object in front of your partner, it's clear that you are very angry.

Let your partner ask you, calmly, what the problem is.

The object should be soft, like a plush toy.



Argue naked

If during an argument you have an emotional outburst (like mockery or yelling), do you accept to get naked for the rest of the argument, if your partner asks you to?



Nature of Reality

If you are interested in learning more about these topics, see What is Reality, Free will and Consciousness.

What is the origin of the Universe? Examples: infinity (everything possible already exists), laws of physics popping randomly out of nothingness (and forming a deterministic progression of change), a simulation started in another Universe, a god.

What is time? Examples: the progression of change, there is no time because everything already exists, a dimension in which everything moves (and might be able to go back into).

What is the origin of the human species? Examples: natural evolution, a god.

Do people have free will? Can a person make a choice without being causally bound to the Universe, or is everything a deterministic progression of change that has started from the beginning of the Universe? Do people actually have free will, or do they believe that they have free will because they can't see the entire chain of causality that has started from the beginning of the Universe, chain which determines their choices?

Do souls exist? If they do, they must be immaterial, made from something other than matter, since no matter has been observed to make them. Is consciousness a fundamental property of the Universe? Are souls immortal? Where were your soul and consciousness before you were born?

Teleportation is a process through which information can be transmitted over great distances. Matter can be teleported by: scanning the molecules at the origin, destroying the original (so that you don't get a duplicate), transmitting the scanned information through a communication channel, and reconstructing the molecules at the destination. Only atoms have so far been teleported. If a person were to be teleported, how would the soul and consciousness be also teleported, considering that they are not made of matter (so the teleporting machine would be unable to access these)?



Money and safety

What is the / a difference between successful and unsuccessful people?

Handling of money. Wasting it versus hoarding it; give some examples of how you do either. Do you have savings for a few months of living without an income?

How do you feel about debt? Example purposes: home purchase / construction, home renovation, vacations, small purchases, credit cards.

Expensive habits, priced in money but also in time spent engaged with them.

Financial risk taking. Do you like to risk money? Do you like betting?

Joint bank account.

Prenuptial agreement. A prenuptial agreement normally covers only what each partner owns from before marriage, and can't lawfully apply to what becomes property after marriage.

Handling of private information like financial information, home and work addresses. Do you publish such information online, on social networks? In what context?

Privacy and security in the online world. Do you run or install, on your computer, programs from your friends or from unknown sources? Do you open email attachments from unknown sources?



Deep

What do you think about lying, in general?

Are you annoyed by people who (are): ordered, messy, logical, illogical, take hygiene very seriously, ignore hygiene? How ordered or messy are you? How logical or illogical are you?

What your quirks are. What are you obsessive-compulsive about? Examples: buying things, saving money, hygiene, logic.

Self control, delayed gratification. Are you usually aiming to get a (partial) result as quickly as possible, or are you waiting more time to get the best result possible?

Physical risk taking. Do you like danger? Are you attracted to dangerous situations?

What responsibilities you wish you didn’t have? What are your least favorite chores?

Home chores. Distribute the chores between you two: cooking, washing dishes, washing (and ironing) clothes, cleaning, toilet cleaning, taking out the trash.

Do you need to have the clothes ironed? What about the bed sheets?

Could you let the dishes unwashed over night?

Toilet seat position: up or down. When flushing, some toilets will splash water from the bowl onto the rim, so on the seat (if it's down).

Toilet paper position: must roll from the top (facing the person), must roll from the bottom (facing the wall).

If your partner had to move to a different city for his / her job, would you follow him / her?

Charity work, donations, activism.

Respect for authority.

Political and environmental views, firearms.

Narcotics.

Getting older.

Plastic surgery, breast implants. As you grow older, do you intend to use plastic surgery to make your body look younger?

Astrology, superstition, religion. Do you think that astrology can predict the course of human relationships or of the future? Is religion a good thing for you personally?

Why would you want to marry?

If you want to marry, what kind of ceremony would you like to have? Examples: none, with only the immediate family, with the extended family and friends, with over 100 guests.

Children. Do you ever want to have children? How many? When do you want to have one? If it's not possible to conceive, what would you do? Adopting children. Children from previous relationships.



Gender equality

Who should make more money, you or your partner? How strongly do you feel about this?

Do you think that today's feminism wants gender equality, or preferential treatment for women (as compensation for how women were treated in the past)?

In a household, should a feminist pay half of the bills, including food, rent / mortgage, home renovations, furniture, home appliances?

In a household, should a feminist take out the trash?

Are you annoyed by men who open doors for women?

There is a significant trend to define sexual assault as touching or grabbing a women's hand (without consent), and rape as pushing the man's body against the woman's body (without consent). What do you think of these definitions?

When a woman (who you don't know) accuses a man (who you don't know) of sexual harassment or assault, but there is no evidence of that happening, is it right for the man to be fired from his job and to be harassed by the public? Is it right to believe the woman only based on her claims?

Considering that there is no physical evidence, if a woman (who you don't know) accuses a man (who you don't know) of hitting her, the man responds that the woman has hit him first, and the woman denies his claim, who do you believe and why?

The expression "toxic masculinity" has started in the academia to mean that very specific behaviors, like violence, are toxic, but has slowly been generalized as it spread out to the public and used in political fights. Do you subscribe to the view that masculinity is toxic, or to the view that specific behaviors are toxic (regardless of the gender of the perpetrator)? Do you believe that this expression induces in the public the idea that masculinity as a whole is vile?

Do you think that women are less aggressive than men, or that it only appears so because men are direct in their conflicts (know as "stab you in the front") whereas women are indirect (know as "stab you in the back")?



Pain

What you're offended by. What should not be joked about.

What annoys you the most in people, in life, in the world. The answer doesn't need to be serious, this is a good opportunity to make fun of something bad in life.

What you are afraid of.

Long time dream which you have abandoned. Why did you abandon it?

Your biggest failure to seize an opportunity.

What do you most regret doing or not doing in your life?

The biggest challenges and obstacles in your life. How did you overcome them?

Frustrating or tormenting moments. How did you overcome them?

The last time you cried by yourself (or in front of others, if that's more relevant).

Punishments for criminals. Merciful or vengeful?