Searching for a Partner

I can be better



In-person encounters

Body language

Approaching people

Being rejected


Best matches

First date

Sexual lifestyle


Conversation starters

Giving compliments

Conversation topics

Relationship compliments

Tips for a successful relationship




Sexual Education


Warning! This document contains links to sections about the human sexuality. Those sections are specifically marked. Educational or not, you might not want to read sexual content.


This article is specifically designed for people who are strictly looking for a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship, want a partner who is looking for the same, and it's not meant to create a connection with a stranger, but it's meant to show if there already is a connection, bring it out and amplify it.

This study found that only 1 person out of 7 is strictly looking for a committed relationship; this is the target audience of this article. The study was done only for the USA.

What's written here can work only for people who have high standards for themselves, have similar standards for their partners, and discuss those standards from the start of a relationship (be it romantic or sexual). Also, it can only work for people whose expectations are matching what their partner has said that he / she can offer, and don't expect the partner to change what he / she can offer.

Don't believe for a moment that you have the slightest chance of getting into a relationship with more than a fraction of all the people that you desire, because your type of personality can't match with all the other types of personality, and physical attraction isn't any indication of compatibility of personalities.

If you're only pretending to be looking for a long-term relationship, you will be wasting a lot of time. If you're looking for a casual relationship, a fleeting connection or making friends, you should use a different approach because your target audience has a different type of personality, with different standards and needs. For example, the people who aren't strictly looking for a long-term and sexually monogamous relationship, aren't interested in clarifying anything about the relationship, like their own involvement, sexual monogamy or a future together. Instead, they talk about things like favorite colors, things which are irrelevant for a long-term relationship.

If you're asking yourself how you can remember everything that's written in this article, the answer is that you shouldn't. The goal is not for you to use these things to find a partner and then return to your old self, but to change so you can be like that every day. Change your personality so that these things become a part of you. Let your brain rewire itself so that all these things become instinctual to you rather than rational. While you practice these things, you will confirm them rationally, but the closer you get to the goal (= being with your person of interest), the less rational you have to be and the more instinctual you have to become.

Being uneducated about relationships and hoping to find a good one is like jumping into the void and hoping that the ground is close enough to stop you from getting hurt.

For me, learning how to search for a partner was like trying to save 10 cats from a tree, with all the desperate clinging, scratching and meowing; the cats represent my previous personality. I've lost great opportunities and there have been enough of them to force my logical focus to shift in order to understand how to fix the problem, and for that understanding to eventually sink into my emotional mental layers, layers which are the driver behind wanting to approach potential partners.

In-person encounters

The physical world provides unrivaled advantages over the online world because of the instant access to the full human communication: seeing a person's face and body in reality (not in a few selected and overprocessed, or even fake, photos), body movement and posture, body decoration (clothing, shoes, hairstyle, makeup, jewelry, purse), cleanliness, display of confidence, facial reactions, talking (voice characteristics, words selection), the need to slow down and focus your attention only on the person you're interacting with. As a side note, people prefer mating with other people with similar traits, a preference called assortative mating.

It's much more likely to meet an interesting person among strangers, because you see thousands of times more people, although most don't want to connect with strangers, compared with the tiny circle of friends and colleagues in which people normally look for their partner. You can ask the ones you like for the opportunity to have a conversation, and see where you go from there.

Meeting in person with a stranger, recognizing the signs of mutual interest that you were oblivious to until then, understanding that there is mutual attraction that can be explored, finding the confidence to talk to those people, and discovering their personalities is a wonderful experience even if it doesn't lead to a deeper connection.

Around the year 1900, a woman was helping a man (stranger) to approach her by dropping her handkerchief in front of the man that she was interested in, showing her availability and approachability. The man was supposed to pick it up and ask the woman if it belonged to her, thusly starting a conversation. There was even a handkerchief language for flirting from a distance. In time, this habit has disappeared.

Today, people are told to not look too intensely at strangers but to steal glances instead. Stories about soulmates are made to make people believe that they are supposed to meet their soulmate because it's meant to be, because the Universe should put them together, meaning that neither person should make any effort to meet the other. People are told that a single look is all it takes to know that they've found their soulmate, and women are told that men who don't approach them aren't interested enough in them. If you're a woman who believes that, try approaching a stranger with whom you would like to have a long-term relationship; since men are likely to accept such requests because they think they'll get to have sex, make it clear that sex is off the table for a long time. Write down what you've felt and why you've failed miserably at every step of the process.

And when you think that things just can't get any worse, people who think they've found their soulmate and are looking right in the eyes of that person, still expect the other person to approach them... because magic is supposed to bring them together.

Making no effort whatsoever to find a partner is supposed to make a relationship work for decades, through all the hardships of life, while making a huge effort to research and build the confidence to approach people is supposed to be the wrong way. It's as if society wants to give evil advice to people who want good relationships.

But that's not how patterns work. The difference between successful and unsuccessful people is that successful people want to build success, whereas unsuccessful people want to have (, copy, use) success and wait for the Universe to provide it.

The result of these elements combined is that people lack the confidence to express their interest, at least by looking for longer than a glance, and approach their persons of interest. People wouldn't know how to start a conversation even if they had the confidence to approach someone they like, even if their persons of interest were to start an unrelated conversation in order to show their availability and approachability. Besides, if men look at women for longer than a glance without saying something (friendly), women perceive them either as threatening or weak, and label them as creepy.

Society doesn't educate people on how to approach their persons of interest, on how to start a conversation, or on what to talk about in order to see if they have compatible personalities.

The bad effects of all these things feel worse when you think that you can literally see the most interesting people of your life passing by, an arm away from you, and you can't do anything because society has made it nearly impossible for people to communicate with strangers about attraction.

The Internet has changed everything because anyone in the world can transmit to the entire world what they've learned and what they've built. The smartphone has also changed everything since it can be used to store information, instantly access information on the Internet, and instantly transmit information between (potential) partners. Maybe they will make a difference.


In order to be able to talk to a person of interest that is a stranger to you, you have to learn a few things:

Body language

Most people can't usually understand the subtle body language that other people send to show their interest or disinterest, and get intimidated when a stranger looks at them. They can't understand the interest in that moment, in real-time. They might understand it later, but that's too late to talk, and they usually brush it off by telling themselves that they wouldn't know what to say anyway.

How should you express your interest in someone? Make direct eye contact with that person, sustain the eye contact for several seconds, and be confident, bold and friendly in your posture and gestures; maybe smile subtly. If you can't sustain the eye contact and you interrupt it, look again at your person of interest as soon as you can. Express your interest as clearly as possible, even from a distance, even though anyone looking could think that your look indicates curiosity, not attraction. Nothing comes even remotely close to the significance of prolonged eye contact, be it continuous or interrupted.

If your person of interest looks at you, don't avoid his / her look, because he / she will easily start to think that you're not interested or you're weak. Don't try to hide, don't lower your body, sustain the eye contact with a look and body posture that shows relaxation, seriousness, confidence and determination, with the eyes not wide open. If you're intimidated, do not look in the opposite direction (of your person of interest) because that makes you look dismissive and arrogant.

If you see each other (multiple times) and make eye contact, don't look away, don't look startled. Remain calm and assertive, and don't get intimidated. If you were to look away then your person of interest wouldn't know whether you're interested but intimidated, or you're not interested.

Friendliness (including smiling) is a bad indication of interest.

When someone is only glancing at you it can be just normal visual filtering, but it can also be a sign of interest because people are sometimes instantly intimidated by eye contact, and can't sustain it for more than a fraction of a second.

When someone looks at you for longer than a glance it's a good indication (but not a certainty) of interest. Such a look could last anywhere between half of a second and several seconds.

The lingering look is a good indication (but not a certainty) of interest. This occurs when someone looks at you, but his / her face or body is turned slightly away from you, so he / she appears to want to look or move away from you, but instead continues to look at you for longer than a glance.

Blinking fast is a good indication (but not a certainty) of interest. This occurs when someone wants to look at you but they feel intimidated because you're looking at him / her.

When someone looks at you first and appears startled when you then look at him / her, it's a good indication (but not a certainty) of interest.

Multiple interrupted eye contact is a good indication (but not a certainty) of interest. This occurs when someone wants to look at you but they feel intimidated because you're looking at him / her, so they can't look for too long at a time at you. This happens because some people become more delicate when they are interested in someone; men do this to show that they are not a threat, women do this to show themselves as being more feminine.

The following look is a very good indication (but not a certainty) of interest. This occurs when someone looks at you and turns his / her head to follow you.

When someone's eyes get wider when he / she sees you, it's a very good indication (but not a certainty) of interest.

When someone's eyes get wet when he / she sees you or when he / she starts talking to you, it's a very good indication (but not a certainty) of interest, unless his / her body shows signs of retreat (which means he / she fears you). This is sometimes known as "twinkle in the eyes" or "sparkly eyes" because the extra fluid that covers the eyes changes the light's reflection and causes specular reflections.

The mesmerized / hypnotized look is a very good indication (but not a certainty) of interest. This occurs when someone looks at you with a fixed look, as if he / she just saw something of extreme interest and he / she had to focus his / her attention intensely, as if time stopped for a few seconds. It can also happen when someone accidentally looks at you, looks away and instinctively realizes that he / she must look back at you very intensely because something about you was very interesting. In such a case, his / her entire body posture changes, not just the look. The body can freeze (because his / her attention is fully focused on you), it could straighten up to become more visible, or could move to become more exposed to you.

In a shop, where it's possible to pretend to look at something on a shelf, when someone gets close to you, like a forearm away and stays there for 10 seconds or so, while doing virtually nothing, it's a good indication (but not a certainty) of interest.

If you feel intimidated and interrupt the eye contact, don't look in the opposite direction because the people who see this perceive it as dismissive and arrogant, especially when the head is also turned in that direction.

Interrupting the eye contact reduces the possibility of connecting because one of you is likely to not look again. Many women who are initially interested, aren't willing to look again and give a second chance to a man who wasn't confident enough to approach her the first time.

If both of you look at each other for a significant amount of time, a lack of change, of action, will be interpreted as uninteresting, as boring, and your person of interest will most likely walk away. So, take action, don't wait too long!

You will have to learn, in time, what people's reactions to your presence are most likely to mean. When you look at people for longer than a glance, their reactions vary, so they may: completely ignore you, ignore you with a head turn meant as a reproach for your attention, glance quickly, frown, stare at you, stare at you and gesture to show their confusion (or even anger) about your attention.

While your person of interest may enjoy your attention and may look at you and giggle, he / she may be uninterested in talking to you, and may not even stop if you try to approach him / her.

Some people look uptight and unapproachable because they expect and fear that those who look at them are potential enemies, that is, people who want to lie to them, manipulate them, exploit them, and profit from them. Women, in particular, behave like this because they are more fearful than men, so they need to be convinced of men's intentions.

Some people feel a stranger's attention like an attack, and may even start to panic if you continuously look into their eyes for 3 seconds. Like a mouse hypnotized by a cat's eyes, they can't realize in that moment that they can simply look away and nothing bad would happen; it's a good idea to smile subtly when looking at someone for a few seconds. In such a situation you could say "I was admiring you. (That's why I was looking long at you.)"

When you look for the first time at your person of interest, there are two ways to do it:

  • For beginners: Don't have the full front of your body facing him / her, but have a body posture as if you're doing something and you just saw this interesting person that you had to look at, even though the posture is uncomfortable for looking at that person. This is by no means to pretend that you were only accidentally watching him / her, but because body-front facing is instinctively interpreted as a potential charging attack and intimidates the people you're watching. If you're facing your person of interest with the full front of your body, try to look sideways at him / her in order to appear friendlier, so turn your face / head slightly away from that person, while keeping the eyes toward him / her. This posture isn't for talking.

  • (Slow down, stop and) Turn to face your person of interest. Women may easily misinterpret this as threatening. Practice (by looking in the mirror) the way you look to your person of interest: direct, without a shadow of hiding, awkwardness, fear or uncertainty. Relax your body; body rigidity can appear either creepy. Men's look must show calm, interest, openness, expansiveness and determination. Slightly leaning back or angling your head to a side can help a lot, but make sure that you don't appear arrogant (practice in the mirror), which a raised chin can indicate. Try to sustain the eye contact with a confident and relaxed look, with the eyes not wide open.

Mutual interest is not an indication of compatible personalities, so just because you like one another doesn't mean that you could have a happy long-term relationship. Mutual interest is a mechanism that people use to not waste time, to reduce the number of attempts to have bad relationships, since they can't know anyone's personality just by looking at him / her.

Don't stare at a person in silence, like a surveillance videocamera. Don't freeze, move your eyes, and say something to him / her. People, women in particular, will in just a few seconds start to think that the people who stare at them in silence and with no facial expression or body language are creepy, even though, perhaps, they are just shy (and can't conjure enough courage to approach him / her).

On top of this, even if your person of interest is interested in you but doesn't have the time to look at you to evaluate you without being watched, he / she will become annoyed and label you as creepy.

Remember that whatever you think is happening, it could be only in your imagination, and unless you ask, it really is only in your imagination.

Approaching people

It's virtually impossible to tell why people look at someone, by only seeing them look and not knowing what their personalities are like, because people are usually good at hiding their intentions.

Eye contact is not a guarantee of mutual interest, as some people perceive prolonged eye contact as a bad thing, like an attack, and they don't stop looking at you, thereby feeding their own negative perception.

Eye contact, or its avoidance, expresses the expectations that people have from you, potential partner or enemy, which shows the convergence or divergence of your personalities. Not everyone will appreciate being approached, which shows the divergence of your personalities. You want to connect with people with personalities that converge with yours.

Don't approach people randomly. If both you and your person of interest look at each other in any of the ways described above, if you think that he / she has noticed you in a positive way and you feel a strong attraction for him / her, approach that person and try to have a conversation. Don't force yourself to approach people otherwise!

People look around for three main reasons:

  • They are curious and find something interesting to watch. These people are, by default, interested in building something.

  • They fear and are trying to ascertain potential danger. These people are, by default, avoiding to build something because they fear that their effort will be useless and they could get hurt in the process.

  • They want to dominate the environment and possibly destroy what doesn't obey their wishes. These people are, by default, interested in destroying something, because they will always find something to be in their way.

If your person of interest appears to be bothered by your presence, and can't just ignore you, even though you didn't do anything to bother him / her, walk away because he / she blames you for whatever he / she imagines that you are, and that pattern would repeat later. If the interest doesn't appear to be mutual then move on and look for someone else.

Walk away from someone who avoids (looking at) you, who appears to be bothered by your presence, who frowns when you look at him / her, who appears to shrink or cringe when you look at him / her. That gut reaction tells you what he / she thinks about you at the deepest level, and, even if you were to get together in an apparently happy relationship, what he / she would feel every time there would be a misunderstanding between you two. That person would make your life hell. Walk away!

If your person of interest frowns when you look at him / her, walk away because he / she prefers to feel flabbergasted by and fearful of your attention, rather than interested in you. The pattern that will repeat in this case is that he / she won't build constructively over miscommunications and misunderstandings.

For most people, talking to a stranger about a potential relationship feels like jumping into a void. For your person of interest, being asked to communicate with a stranger is very difficult because he / she doesn't know anything about your personality, so he / she doesn't know whether you two are compatible or not, and what path his / her life would take together with you. It's like trying to understand what's inside a (black) box by looking at the box (from the outside). If there are several boxes, how do you know which contains what you need, the thing which is the most valuable to you? There is a very tinny advantage that these boxes decorate themselves, on the outside, so you get a general feel of what's inside.

Some women believe that men who give attention to women (strangers) are obsessed by and a danger to those women, rather than mildly curious or mildly interested in their appearance. Any kind of attention from men (be it looks longer than a glance, tips about something, or a compliment followed by walking away) makes those women believe that they are the center of attention of those men, and start to imagine that those men are enemies. This problem is dramatically amplified if those men and women see themselves repeatedly because they frequent the same location.

The biggest problem occurs when those women look insistently at those men, and amplify their own fear because the men look at them as well. Those women don't understand that if they are not interested they could and should just look away, and don't understand that their default expectations (of being hurt) and men's default expectations (of mutual interest) may be in stark contrast. These conflicting expectations will always be there, if those men and women were to get together.

Some women are so afraid that they construct a mental box in their minds, from which they can't escape, where any attention from men drives them to run around in panic.

The more bizarre cases are when a man gives attention to a woman, perhaps with a compliment, but walks away. Then, over many months, they see each other randomly, few times, for a few seconds, as they pass by, maybe because they frequent the same location. During all this time the woman appears to be fine. Suddenly, during another encounter, that woman (or a friend or family member) erupts (in public) and accuses the man of stalking the woman. The man is absolutely oblivious because he didn't pay further attention to that woman, not more than simply recognizing her "Mmm, she looks like that woman from that time."

Don't take these as theoretical scenarios, they actually happen. Different people who observe the same events fabricate very different stories in their minds about why events happen, because they have observational biases of very different intensities.

This knowledge isn't meant to push you to avoid looking at strangers, but, to the contrary, to tell you to not let your life be controlled by such people, and not build your own mental box from which you can't escape. You are not responsible for the mental traps that other people's build inside their minds! The only recommendation is to walk away from such people.

It's irrelevant whether two people would be attracted to each other if they had enough time to get to know one another. What matters is the default state of mind of each of them, when confronted with unknown situations. Be very wary of misinterpretation of intent, on both sides, because that's likely to repeat. This is particularly important when it happens between strangers, because it shows major differences in how people perceive and handle life (events). If your person of interest misinterprets your body language and intentions and initially believes that you are bad (for him / her), he / she is likely to do the same later.

Some people believe that they have a sixth sense that helps them "read" the personality and intentions of strangers. In reality, their brain remembers past experiences during which strong connections were made between something seen and a result, and now believes that the connection is between a cause and its effect, even though the cause was not observed (at least not in the present), but believed / extrapolated. These extrapolations say nothing about the personality of strangers, and when applied to the world at large, they are more likely to be wrong than right.

You could understand someone's personality by observing them for a long time, but you don't have that time, so the only way to understand someone's personality is to interact and talk even if it's only for a few seconds.

Women are more expressive than men in their physical appearance, for example by adorning their bodies with makeup, jewelry and clothing, so men have a slight advantage when trying to understand women's personalities, at a glance.

In just a few seconds of looking at a person of interest, you must make a decision either to approach him / her or to walk away. It's understandable that you would want to see his / her full face, and for that you may need more time. The reason for this short time isn't that you should follow your instinct because it's magical, but because it builds the pattern to remove indecision from your mind and build your confidence. Will you walk away from good potential partners this way? Sure, but there will be others, and the built confidence will be so much more important for the next approach. If you do walk away, make sure that it's not because you're too afraid to approach him / her, but because there is something which is missing from the attraction, or because you see something (in his / her personality) which is incompatible with your personality.

Don't get intimidated by his / her intimidation, and continue with either one of the two choices you have: walk away or start a conversation.

If you're walking toward one another, slow down and stop before you're next to him / her and let him / her walk toward you. It's very important to stop at a distance that gives him / her 2...3 seconds to get next to you. Stop sideway from his / her path so that he / she can see that he / she can continue to walk safely past you, but also so that you can turn your face and body in order to follow him / her.

The people you approach will fall in one of the following categories:

  • Fearful to you and your approach. Their expectations are that strangers are potential enemies, that is, people who want to lie to them, manipulate them, exploit them, and profit from them; at least that's how he / she sees you. Such people either avoid your look, or look at you like everything is your fault. You two are in different mental places, that is, your progressions are divergent. There is nothing that you can say to turn fear into attraction, so walk away. Moreover, if you were to get together but he / she would later feel estranged from you, he / she would see you again as a potential enemy.

  • Indifferent to you and your approach. Same as above.

  • Interested in you. Their expectations are that strangers are potential friends; at least that's how he / she sees you. There is a decent probability of being able to have a longer conversation with them, so continue.

If you're undecided but your person of interest turns his / her head to look at you, you should approach him / her; it's a conversation request, not a marriage proposal.

You should approach even if you feel that the age difference is too high, for the simple reason that, even if you don't get into a relationship with your person of interest, he / she could accept to have a conversation, so both of you could get to practice your ability to communicate and make each other's life better. Approach such persons of interest with the maximum seriousness and determination, and do not mention the age difference! The age difference doesn't matter for a conversation.

Indetermination makes you weak and leaves you feeling shaky. The more you hesitate to say something to your person of interest, the less confident you become, and the chance of you saying anything decreases exponentially.

People can handle well only very few separate, but close in time, encounters. If more encounters occur, people feel the need to react differently, but don't know how, so they feel embarrassed, which then transforms into awkwardness, which can then transform into a negative reaction toward the other person, like annoyance, instead of assuming half of the responsibility for the failure of the interaction.

For example, two people who like each other and pass by each other twice while walking around in a limited space (like a store), may smile at each other every time, but from the third time onward they feel that the behavior is too repetitive, don't know how else to react, and end up replacing the smile with ignoring the other person. If there is an unbalance in the interest, so one person likes the other much more, the target of the higher interest starts to push back emotionally and starts feeling annoyed. Make sure that you keep your interest under control.

During an in-person encounter, men usually have only one or two opportunities to talk to a woman. If a man and a woman happen to pass by each other and they look at one another, that's when the man should seize the opportunity to talk to her. If they see each other again after a few minutes, the woman may think that it's just a coincidence, but if they see each other a third time then the woman will start to think that the man is creepy. This happens because the woman has time to think that she's the focus of attention of a man, and may therefore be in danger, and while she knows that the man wants her physically, she doesn't know (and fears) how the man intends to get there, and whether he can gracefully accept a rejection. The man has to (subtly) address these fears during the conversation. Be very careful, you can't reason fear out of someone, and you could end up being accused of stalking.

Sometimes you will simply have back luck, like when your person of interest gets a phone call right when you wanted to approach him / her. If you leave then you've lost the opportunity. If you stick around until the call ends, he / she is likely to notice you and will think that you're creepy. Sometimes you just can't win.

If your person of interest is with someone who you may think is his / her girlfriend / boyfriend, and your person of interest looks at you intensely, you should ask him / her if they are involved in a romantic relationship (with one another). After all, they could be relatives or friends.

When you approach someone, do not come directly in front of them, in their path, and do not stop in front of them! Not even if you're a woman trying to get the attention of a man. Always come from a side and stop in the field of view of your person of interest, slightly farther than a fully extended arm (80...90 centimeters, 3 feet), and make sure that you're clearly visible to him / her once you stop.

There are scenarios when stopping in front of someone can be fine, but they are very particular and you can't know in advance what will happen. For example, I was once pushing a cartwheel through a store, and a petite woman came quickly from the front-right and deliberately stopped in front of the cartwheel to bend toward a trashcan in order to throw something, forcing me to stop abruptly. She raised her face to look at me, and smiled. I actually liked her and enjoyed her naughtiness, but she couldn't have known in advance that I would like her and not look angry. Thinking back, that sounds like a good way to see how a man reacts to the "charms" of a woman.

It's best to approach someone when he / she is stationary.

If your person of interest is sitting:

  • Stand at a distance of about one and a half fully extended arm (120 centimeters, 4 feet). This way, he / she won't feel that you're overtowering him / her.

  • Try to have your face at the same height as his / her face, so sit on the same park bench (or table). This is a risky thing to do because it amplifies whatever he / she feels about you, so it creates a more polarized situation. You could start with "I will sit for only one minute."

  • If he / she sits very low, try to have your face at the same height as his / her face.

When you say your conversation starter, try to sustain the eye contact with a confident and relaxed look, with the eyes not wide open. Smiling is fine. Don't smirk and don't laugh.

When you look in someone's eyes, focus on a single eye, on a single point. Don't switch your focus between his / her eyes.

A simple "Hi" can start a conversation, but be ready to say more than that. Saying "Hi" to a stranger may surprise and confuse them, so without further help from you they might not respond even if they are interested.

Instead of talking, you can also wave your hand lightly, which, if you're shy or feel intimidated, is very good because you can see if your person of interest responds favorably, without bothering him / her and risking a verbal rejection. This is good to draw the attention of someone who is at a bit of a distance, or someone who wears headphones. If you wave, keep your palm at shoulder or chest level. However, it's not clear to whom you're waving your hand at and why, so saying something makes your intentions much clearer.

If he / she responds, next you should say what you want, for example, that you would like to know him / her, to have a conversation.

It's your responsibility to fill the void between you two with confidence and conversations, to create a bridge. Such a bridge already exists in the case of people who look at each other for a few seconds, which expresses / conveys interest, curiosity and softness, or in a word, attraction.

Don't wait for magic and fate to bring you together with your person of interest. Reality and happiness are mostly about choices made, not magic or fate. Be confident and take action!

Being rejected

I've never been worried about being told "no", so being rejected. I've always been terrified about being told "yes", so being accepted, because I feared that I would discover that we have incompatible personalities and I would have to reject her (even though I was the one approaching her). I've also been afraid of realizing that she doesn't need me, my interest for her, my compliments.

Most people will usually not be interested in the attention of others, so don't feel offended when you're rejected.

If your person of interest rejects you with an obvious lie, do not ever comment on the lie. Ever! Some possible lies are: saying that he / she is in a hurry even though he / she is walking slowly, saying that he / she is married even though he / she doesn't have a marriage ring.

When you are rejected, even if you feel lied to, simply thank him / her for his / her answer and walk away. The slightest hint of mockery in your reactions, the slightest attempt to bully him / her into submission, makes you a part of the reason why he / she feels the need to lie to you.

If you think that you've made significant effort to approach someone, so you deserve a bit of attention from his / her part, note that your person of interest did not ask you to make that effort and did not ask for your attention.

Your person of interest doesn't owe you anything, not even a chance to tell your story, not even an answer for your request. Your person of interest doesn't owe you attention just because you think that you're nice. If he / she doesn't give you the chance to tell your story, then move on. You are not less important than your person of interest, but you are also not more important than he / she is.

Being rejected with mockery, like derisive snorting, is a different issue because it's a psychological manipulation technique intended to hurt.

A particular case of mockery is when a man looks at a woman and she changes her facial expression to indicate that she's offended because the man, a nobody in her eyes, dares to look at her. Women sure don't owe men attention, but neither do men owe women tolerance for being mocked.

Avoid expressions in your language and gestures that may be interpreted as dominant or aggressive. Laughter can be born out of mockery or admiration (although in this case it's more smiling or giggling). Miscommunication (be it through looks, gestures, clothing or words) can instantly become confrontational, even though given time to remove the misunderstanding, a constructive connection could be established.

Believing that you are being mocked

If you feel that you are being rejected badly, perhaps you feel that you are being mocked, understand that you are lucky because your person of interest is showing his / her personality from the start, and you've avoided months or years of being in a destructive relationship. You should be thanking to whatever or whoever you want, for the opportunity of seeing how your person of interest really is.

If you think that your person of interest is mocking you, simply walk away.

If you don't want to walk away, you can walk by, close to him / her (but not in his / her face), without even looking in his / her direction. Walk slowly, even stop, maybe do something on your phone, as if you're busy. If you show control of your emotions, if you appear emotionally unaffected, his / her arrogance will be reduced.

If you feel that someone is looking too long at you, with a look which doesn't appear to show attraction, you could walk to that person and ask "Has something happened?" or "Is anything wrong?" Don't ask "Is there a problem?" because that's likely to be interpreted as aggressive.

If someone is rejecting you by using words meant to insult you, simply say "Thank you for the compliment!"

A staring contest

Some people that you admire may look at you and after a few seconds start to act as if you have a problem (or are shocked or annoyed) because you're looking at them for too long.

In such a case, walk away because the observational bias is so strong in those people that they can't understand that they are also looking at you when they could just break the look, like they demand you to do.

They can't see the symmetry of the context, they can't understand that they are looking at you, and they can't see that you are just as entitled as they are to have the same opinion about them.

In a relationship, this pattern would manifest as them blaming you simply because they can't see the symmetry of the context, that is, they can't see that they could be just as responsible as you are.

There are people, men and women, who behave like this but who also consider themselves to be dominant / alpha. In such a case, not only will they blame you for looking at them and starting (what they think is) a staring contest, but they could start mocking you or become violent if you don't look away first. This happens because while they could have just looked away (since they are not interested in your look), and therefore stop what they think is a staring contest, their bias of dominance amplifies their belief that you are the problem, not themselves.

Encountering someone who ignored / rejected you

If you encounter again someone with whom you've already talked and who rejected you, you may be tempted to look at him / her in an attempt to (unconsciously) signal that you've seen that person again and that you're safe to be around and have no intentions to hurt that person, as shown by the fact that you're just walking by (not approach him / her again).

If you were to avoid looking at that person, but he / she were to see you, you (unconsciously) believe that he / she could think that he / she is safe only because you didn't see him / her, and that if you were to see him / her then you could do something bad.

Unfortunately, this belief doesn't work well in practice. There are people who simply enter in panic mode because you look at them after they rejected you, that is, what you believe and what they believe by default is in stark contrast, and the belief of your person of interest can easily escalate to panic.

If you are tempted to explain yourself to someone who appears to be panicked, don't do it because you can't reason fear out of someone, and you could end up being accused of stalking.

If you see such a person who is trying to hide from you, or is trying to quickly walk away from you, don't talk, don't smile, don't even look at that person, just walk away because that person is in panic mode.

Don't take this advice as just a theoretical scenario. Some people misinterpret benign encounters, and believe that other people who look at them are enemies stalking them.

This could especially happen if you frequent a place daily, like a shop or a bus stop, and from time to time you encounter the same person. Some people believe that you are there for them. They can't see the most likely explanation that you go there often, so even if they go there rarely, it's still possible to see each other again. And even if they think about this possibility, they'll still choose the scenario where they are a victim. If you were to get together with such a person, this pattern would repeat: he / she would always be the victim and you always would be the aggressor, and your life together would be miserable.


In a romantic context, a confident man is a man who openly (= direct and focused), fully (= to the greatest extent) and intimately (= exposed) declares his interest, attraction, passion and love for a woman, but appears unaffected by (either his or her) emotions, keeps his composure and rationality, a man that the woman knows she can rely on for rock-solid support.

A confident man doesn't ignore women. Confidence doesn't mean eliminating emotions, it means keeping your composure and rationality when emotions try to make you submissive.

At the same time, the man has to show his general emotions and vulnerabilities, to show that he can understand the woman's emotions and vulnerabilities. Women want to be able to explore and express their emotions within this supportive context.

When you're looking at someone, this can be translated into: look at that person without any subterfuge, make your interest visible, don't cower away when the other person looks at you, and show that you are in control of your interest and emotions. That's all there is to it, but do understand that only a fraction of all people will be interested back.

To visualize this, picture James Bond saying "I love you!" How is he? Confident, leading, mysterious.

Most women like confident men, but men also like confident women, that is, men don't like women who act like scared teenagers.

Most women expect men to lead in the relationship, so most women are not interested in being with men who can't lead because they appear to be weak. In other words, women are interested in being the woman in the relationship, not the man in the relationship, where these gender specific roles are established by biology and culture. This means that women want men to approach them because they have the strength to lead.

This is true despite the fact that many women will try to lead indirectly by talking, behavior know as "giving instructions", while not being interested in making the physical actions that constitute leading by action. This conflict leads to the behavior known as "nagging".

To be able to lead, you have to remove from your mind the feeling of intimidation that you get when you look at a person of interest, the feeling that forces you to hide, to shrink, to disappear, feeling which appears because you believe that you're not worthy of your person of interest. This is the wrong mindset to have. This feeling is how Nature separates the leaders from the followers: the leaders survive it, the followers are engulfed by it. Whatever you feel, think or believe is instantly displayed in your body language, producing the so called "vibe". If you feel intimidated, your body language (rigid, slow, uncontrolled, lingering) will show it, it will be seen by your person of interest and it will be instantly (and involuntarily) replicated and felt by him / her, after which it will be converted to a label: creepy. Never wonder whether you are worthy of his / her attention.

Sometimes, your persons of interest will actively try to intimidate you through their unapproachable behavior which was built because they expect and fear that those who look at them want to lie to them, manipulate them, exploit them, and profit from them. Since they don't know anything about you, they'll keep this intimidation wall between them and you, and you'll have to pass it using confidence. This means that you should approach your person of interest even if he / she appears unapproachable. However, keep in mind that you have to avoid the people who use intimidation as a manipulation tool, people who will behave as if they are superior to you, for the rest of your interaction.

Examples of this unapproachable behavior are: completely ignoring you, or looking fixed into your eyes, which feels like a predator watching your move, until you flinch. Flinching shows that he / she controls his / her emotions better than you, so you're the one pursuing, and therefore he / she is the leader and you the follower. This means that in the future, he / she will be (more likely to be) able to make you do what he / she wants. Flinching means any sign of weakness, like looking away, lowering your head, your eyes getting wet, swallowing visibly, or entering in a submissive body posture.

The lack of eye contact doesn't necessarily show a lack of interest. Some people will avoid looking in the eyes of their persons of interest because they know that they would get intimidated, flinch and lose control of the situation.

If you get intimidated, if you're wondering if you're good enough for him / her, if you're worthy of him / her, your eyes may get wet, or your may look away from him / her, or your body movements will become slow, rigid and controlled. This is either because you're intimidated like a dear under headlights, or because you fear that you might scare him / her away. Your person of interest may instantly (and involuntarily) replicate and feel those same emotions, ending up feeling awkward and ashamed, and may possibly feel that you're creepy.

Why is a man who appears intimidated by a woman that he's attracted to, generally ignored by that woman? Because the woman literally has no idea what the man's personality and potential future are, so she uses the only thing she can: the man's self evaluation about how he compares himself to the woman. If the man considers himself way below the woman's level of attraction, this shows in his behavior as being intimidated, so the woman is most likely to consider him the same way: way below her potential, and therefore undesirable.

How do you remove the intimidation from your mind? There is no magic, there is no formula. The problem is that you're about to expose your sensibility to another person, sensibility which would be hurt by a badly formed rejection (possibly involving mockery).

The fear that you're not worthy of attention, that you're doing something wrong by trying to approach your person of interest, will devastate your confidence and will make you want to hide (from your person of interest), which will show in your body language, and your person of interest will instantly feel the need to hide from you as well.

Even James Bond would look silly if a woman he complimented were to stare at him with blank eyes, turn and walk away. There is no way to make this look good for the man, no matter how you stage it, so don't think that you can do anything about it.

A confident man isn't submissive to women, and isn't a validation dispenser for them.

You have to stop being weak and submissive, and confidence will start to trickle in the available space. When you look at your person of interest, your eyes have to exude your confidence, power of attraction and passion for him / her, not beg for his / her attention. You have to give, not take. Do not "steal a look", as is commonly known and repeated, but instead give away your strength and passion, give all of you, show in your look what you can be with that person because he / she brings out the best in you.

Stop being weak! Stop beating around the bush! Stop playing games that hide your intentions! Express your interest! Express your emotions! Express the emotions that show what you want from your person of interest, but show that you control those emotions. For this, use both body language and words.

All people want their partner's personality to be surprising from time to time, that is, they want to feel like they haven't reach the end of their partner's mind where the partner starts to sound like a chatbot rather than a person full of surprises and mysteries. You can appear surprising through smarts, humor and teasing.

The kind of confidence which brings success is born from your ability to handle the tools that bridge communication: the human language and the body language.

Confidence also arises from the understanding that while you're physically attracted to your person of interest, your intent is to explore his / her personality, not live under the illusion that you've found your future spouse and soulmate (especially when it's after just one look), illusion which would make you think that you must hold onto that person as if you're holding to your dear life.

The most important tool that you have at your disposal is your mind. This doesn't mean that you need to be a genius in order to be successful. You need to be smart and realize that you're in a competition, with other people like you, to get the attention of your person of interest. To win the competition, especially as a man, since women have a lot of offers to choose from, you have to stand out through your communication skill.

This skill is not simply about your ability to put words together, but about your ability to convey, through adaptation to the real context, through body language and words, what you want from your person of interest, what you're searching for, and what you saw in him / her that made you try to have a conversation.

Be confident, be decisive, be determined in your voice, posture, gestures and actions. Make sure that your voice is loud enough to be heard, and your voice tone doesn't sound like you're begging for attention. Talk as if you're talking to a good friend, to someone that you know for a long time, that is, talk with the same confidence that you use when talking to a friend.

Emotions create a feedback loop, so what you feel will be instantly replicated and felt by your person of interest. A fearful, shy or ashamed behavior, which lacks confidence and shows a fear of the unknown, a belief that you might not deserve your person of interest, will instantly induce the same emotions in your person of interest, will make you stumble while trying to talk, and will exponentially decrease your chances to get the opportunity to have a conversations.

Most likely, your biggest fear is, even if you don't realize it, that you'll look awkward because you have nothing (interesting) to talk about. After all, what can you talk about with a stranger? This fear will make you take long breaks in your conversation, will make your voice weak, will restrain your body language, will make your body stiff / rigid, you will look less confident and will start believing that you don't deserve your person of interest, all of which amplify your fear, which in turn makes you even less confident, and instantly transfers to your person of interest.

Don't fear silence. If you get into a period of silence and start to think it's awkward, say to your person of interest "It's deeply relaxing to spend time with you in silence." This would relax both of you.

Sometimes, a man lacks confidence because he doesn't know anything about the woman he likes, so he has no idea if that women passes his compatibility requirements. This leads to a conflict between the attraction he feels and the fear that he could be incompatible with that woman, which means that he may have to reject her later. This conflict creates indecision, and indecision erodes confidence. Remember that this entire article is about long-term relationships, not about casual relationships (where the compatibility requirements are limited only to attraction), so the man is motivated to filter the woman even before he approaches her.

To grow your confidence, do these:

  • Focus on your goal! Be direct! Don't beat around the bush! If you want to grow your confidence, if you need to improve yourself, then do exactly that, don't get diverted. To clarify, at this point your focus is your personal development, not meeting (many) strangers.

  • Keep your voice normal, don't modulate it in any way. Your voice should sound neutral, emotionally unaffected. Absolutely avoid the whiny / begging voice tonality, tonality which would show that you're weak, so not a partner on which one could rely on for support in times of pressure. Don't raise the volume of your voice. Don't allow your voice to switch to a high tone (which can make you sound like a child). Keep your speech's speed rate normal, don't speak fast. Your voice should sound like speech, not poetry reading. Your voice should not sound like you're begging for attention, for a relationship, for love.

  • Watch your voice tone when you ask something, because people tend to raise the pitch of the voice toward the end of a question, something which is perceived as weak.

  • Your body language has to show expansiveness. Make sure your posture and behavior are expansive, not contracting.

  • Stand as tall as possible, don't stoop. Push your shoulders backward and your chest forward.

  • Don't bend your body forward when you speak, in an attempt to get your face closer to your person of interest.

  • Your body movements must be energetic, determined and quick. Movements that are soft, lacking purpose, bent inward, rigid indicate weakness.

  • Do strenuous physical activities, like sports.

  • If you shake hands then do it firmly, but not forcefully.

  • Remove all irrelevant information from your body movements, voice and conveyed words. Be precise, laser focused.

  • Don't talk all the time.

  • Hair style, clothing and accessories, have a big impact on confidence.

  • Learn to refuse the other person, when it matters to you. Explain why you're refusing.

If your person of interest appears shy, timid or undecided, you'll have to take lead and control the conversation. Be prepared for this.

From time to time, tease your person of interest. Teasing is a cat-and-mouse game which many people who like one another enjoy playing, game which is a form of mental foreplay.

Take care to understand that the word "lead" doesn't mean "dominate", "bad boy", "hard to get" or "make them work for it", as is believed by many people. Leading encourages people to follow the leader, using constructive goals and behaviors, like being the example to follow. Dominating tries to force people to follow the dominator, using destructive goals and behaviors, like exploiting weakness, overpowering, imposing, harassing, bullying, aggressing and even violating.


Women are very impressionable by men's (fashion) style, and the mere color of a shirt can make a difference like night and day. This is because for women it matters the entire lifestyle and presentation of a man, whereas for men matters mostly the body of a woman.

Men like to dress in clothes that are comfortable, easy to wash and can withstand wear. Many women see in this a lack of effort, men who aren't affluent but have to work hard to get resources, so they see no reason to choose these men when they have so many other men to choose from, men who give them excessive attention.

Women want to see that a man is serious (about providing for and protecting the women), not playful like a puppy. For men, a pretty woman is just as pretty whether in sweatpants or a formal dress.

Women generally prefer men who dress in neutral, or dark and cold colors, rather than men who wear colorful or heavily patterned clothing, or clothing with text writing or drawings on them.

Dark, neutral clothes (like black) give gravitas to the wearer. This is why elegant clothing is colored neutrally and has simple lines; material quality, texture and simple geometry contribute dramatically to elegance.

If you want to wear non-neutral colors, try ones which are not intense / bright, so try dark or medium blue, dark brown, dark red, dark yellow.

Here are some possible combinations:

  • Pants: black, dark blue, gray, white (either cold or warm). Some pattern is acceptable, but should be barely visible. The fabric should be matte, not shinny.

  • (Tee)Shirt, sweater: black, blue, gray, white (either cold or warm), dark red, dark brick, dark yellow. More pattern than on pants is fine, but should be limited, especially if the pants already have pattern. The fabric could have a bit of shine. Avoid shirts with pockets. Lightness or color inversions are esthetic, so black pants with a white or dark yellow shirt work well.

  • Jacket: black, dark blue, dark gray, white (either cold or warm).

  • Shoes: black, gray, dark brown. If they are dark brown, they should have color variation, like lighter and darker brown. If they are made of leather, they should have some shine.

Black leather jackets can give a big boost to confidence. Men should avoid the feminized jackets with diagonal zippers, bright silver zippers, or with smooth leather (with no "character"); look for jackets with blackened / dirty silver zippers.

If the pants, belt and shirt have the same color, the body appears taller.

If men look too good in terms of presentation (like clothing and hair style), women generally think that such men are playboys trying to pick them up, so they are likely to try to avoid (eye) contact.

If you believe that you can't change the way you look, take a look at Fred when he looked like a nice guy who believes that looks is a genetic lottery, and a few years later when he learned how much his choices matter. It's the same person with a different hairstyle and beard. If you don't see the difference or potential, then that's your main problem, not the way you look. In case you don't know what those videos contain, it's ASMR.

The nice guy

If you think that you're a nice guy who can't get a woman because of some imagined flaws that women (as a whole gender) have, stop.

You're using the word "nice" to tell yourself how you would like to be, a good partner / catch, and at the same time lie to yourself about how you really are.

Most likely the word "nice" is hiding someone who is timid (= fearful and lacking confidence), insecure, submissive, and maybe even resentful (of women). Most women are not attracted to such personalities and they will never be.

Lying to yourself will never build your confidence. Patterns don't work this way. Weakness builds weakness. Strength builds strength.

To be attractive to women, you have to be a confident nice guy.

You'll likely think "So what, I want to be just a nice guy because I'm looking for the same type of woman." The problem is that you're not actually looking, you're waiting for a woman like you, and your type of personality, the type of patterns that have built your mind, will dramatically reduce the probability that you'll meet someone like you because each of you will just sit in their usual location and wait, and wait, and wait, and none of you is making any steps towards the other. You're not going to meet this way, so one of you has to move toward the other, and the path to do it is confidence.

Men who have a very low level of confidence, commonly know as shy, tend to linger around the women they like, without saying anything, and appear creepy because women start believing that they can't get away from them.

Many rich (and famous) men have a very high level of confidence, so they handle women dramatically different than men who have a very low level of confidence. They know that for any woman who turns her back to them, there are hundreds of other women who would be willing to be the center of those men's attention, so they can and do walk away from the women who don't want them.

Men who understand their high power of attraction, can and do walk away from women that they are attracted to, so women don't perceive them as needy followers, but as independent leaders. Of course, this also means that those women have lost their opportunity, but that realization comes too late, if ever. Women like it when men have the power to walk away. This doesn't mean that they would like it if the men were to return, they like men who have the self control to walk away. Yes, that's strange, but women can't reason this behavior out of their emotional layers because they are attracted to (emotional) strength, to what's known as masculinity. Men don't exhibit this behavior because they are attracted to (emotional) softness, to delicacy, to what's known as femininity.

Sensibility is its own enemy

Consider the scenario in which two strangers, a man and a women, full of sensibility, cross their paths, from time to time.

The man likes the woman and, after several such encounters, he initiates a conversation with her, saying that he would like to talk to her so that they get to know each other.

It turns out, from the body language and her smile, that the woman is impressed enough to make her eyes wet. While what she says appears to be a rejection, the way she says it shows that she wants to know him. What she says, while fidgeting, with a tone of regret (sounds a bit whiny), anxious that she can't accept the invitation, is "But I have a boooyfriend..."

Then, they walk away to their separate lives.

Without sensibility in the way, the man could have asked if her relationship is too serious to prevent them from having a conversation, and they could have had a conversation. But instead of that, sensibility has stopped a potential interaction between them, interaction which could have created a beautiful progression (even though not necessarily a romantic relationship).

The moral of the story is that sensibility will sometimes get in the way of happiness, even if that happiness could never be fulfilled to its greatest (desired) extent (because the people involved would remain just friends, due to their various reasons).

Overcoming shyness

If you're shy and you can't approach your persons of interest, the most neutral option is to talk to strangers in a shop and give them small tips, and then walk away (without any expectations). If you would then like to continue with a conversation starter because a person is interesting enough, you have two advantages:

  • The conversation would start in a unique way every time.

  • Giving non-emotional tips allows you to see how your person of interest reacts to your presence and approach. The reactions can range from total indifference as if you're not there, to becoming defensive as if you're trying to deceive them, to becoming talkative up to the point where it's difficult for you to walk away without appearing rude. I would say that around one in three people that I've tried to give tips to, have ignored me or have behaved like I was trying to deceive them or sell them something.

In a public place, like a mall, you could dance to the music. Nothing wild, just move your body to the music.

Best matches

If you want a happy long-term relationship, never pretend to be / want something other than you actually are / want. Never play "pretend" games. Don't be too cool for the truth. If you want something to happen, ask for it.

Many people use psychological manipulation in order to obtain control over the people around them, and especially over their partners.

People who are intimidated by their partner's independence, power of attraction and beauty, are people who lack confidence and are most likely to fall victims to psychological manipulation.

If you want to avoid this, either find a partner who doesn't try to manipulate you (which is rare), or change your behavior to show that you trust yourself to control your future, and show a charisma whose power of attraction is equivalent to that of your partner. In other words, create a balance between you and your partner.

Through your thoughts, words and gestures, in the beginning of a relationship don't treat your partner as if he / she is the one and only partner, your soulmate. Don't idolize your partner, don't put him / her on a pedestal, don't treat him / her like a prince / princess. If you were to not follow this advice and you were to ever feel that you're losing your partner, you would become desperate, and desperation only amplifies the disastrous outcome.

Behave like a person who has independence, someone who trusts himself / herself to control his / her own future. Absolutely avoid the whiny / begging voice tonality, tonality which would show that you're weak, so not a partner on which one could rely on for support in times of pressure.

You may be living under the illusion that soulmates exist, illusion created by romantic stories, novels and movies. What those stories don't tell you is that billions of other people did not meet their soulmate, thus creating an observational bias that tricks you into believing in something which isn't real.

All relationships must be built by the partners. There is no external magic and no soulmates that make relationships work.

Knowing that there are other people with whom you can have a long-term relationship means that if a deep connection is not formed between you and your partner, you don't have to settle for an inferior relationship with the current one, since you can move on and find another partner.

Deeply feel that each person of interest is a potential not a destiny.

Once you learn that you can approach any stranger for a conversation, you realize that the belief in the concept of "this is the one and only partner" is a lie fabricated by an uneducated brain who couldn't see that it has many opportunities to choose form. Once this happens, the desperation / neediness goes away and you no longer feel that you have to be with a specific person.

Your confidence grows dramatically and your potential partners interpret this confidence (and lack of desperation) in a positive way. You have to realize now that you are fully responsible for where you're going, for what you're choosing, whereas before your actions were driven by the desperation born out of fear of losing your one and only opportunity. You are now in charge of your future, rather than being controlled by randomness and mindlessness.


If you're asking yourself whether you can have an everlasting happy relationship, you should start by asking what does happiness mean? What makes you happy? What's makes your partner happy?

If your definitions of happiness aren't compatible, you can't be happy no matter what, no matter how much time passes, no matter how much effort you put in.

It's like wanting to go through a door and banging your head in the door, expecting that at any time you will go through the door, if you try hard enough. Reality doesn't work like that, patterns don't work like that, and you must first realize that you have to push the door knob and open the door before you try to go through.

So, you must first realize what happiness means for each of you. Then, you must realize that your definitions of happiness may be different enough that you can't be happy with that partner (no matter how much time you bang your head in the door).

So the question really is whether you understand (and make the effort to understand) what makes you happy, and understand that you have to find a partner who is made happy by similar things, rather than trying to change the partner's personality.

Does this mean that you will find someone compatible? No. Does this mean that there is someone compatible with you somewhere in the world? No. It only means that if you want to be happy, you have to take action in that direction, by understanding where each pattern can end up. Not all patterns can build success and happiness.

You have to understand that you can't change the ending of patterns, so you can't live your life any way you want and expect the result that you want. You have to follow the patterns that can have the result that you want, which means that you have to change yourself by bringing in your life those patterns. Are you willing to do this, are you willing to change?

You should consider that you may have been looking in the wrong pool of people, that is, you were looking only at people with the same kind of behavior, yet every time you where expecting a different result.

You might think that you can be happy by changing the pool of potential partners. This is where the people who say that the past doesn't matter go in the wrong direction, believing that all they need is a good partner.

The reality is that your past has built who you are in the present, so the more important question to ask yourself is: are you from that (new) pool of people, or are you only trying to get out of your past context by clinging to someone else as to a lifeline?

Physical attraction versus emotional attraction

During in-person encounters, the most difficult thing for you will be to understand, in just a few seconds of looking, not even from the best angle, if there is a good possibility for you and your person of interest to have a happy long-term relationship. This is the reality of dealing with in-person encounters with strangers, and you simply have to become able to do it.

You will have to be able to separate and contain the immediately felt physical attraction (for him / her) from the long lasting romantic attraction. The problem is that to see this normally requires multiple encounters separated by days, which is unlikely to happen.

The problem is that physical attraction can be so powerful that it blinds your ability to see what else does your person of interest have, and eliminating this effect requires time to observe your person of interest, time that you don't have when seeing a stranger.

Look at your person of interest and ask yourself whether you feel an emotional connection, an attraction which is about more than a pretty face or body. Ask yourself what you would miss if that person were to walk away. Do you feel the impact of his / her presence, when looking at him / her? Do you feel like you're melting when looking at him / her? If he / she didn't have that amazing butt or chest / breasts, would you still be interested? Would you still enjoy being with him / her daily for years? If you would, this is the kind of connection that you should follow.

The presence of a connection indicates a higher probability of compatible default states of mind, that is, that you both see and (first) react to the world in similar ways. This gut reaction is critical because it arises from the primitive emotional layers of the mind, the ones which are the first to interact with the world.

Ask yourself what personality traits you see in your person of interest. Examples: confidence, trustworthiness, expansiveness / extroverted, strength, energy, curiosity, determination / drive, rebellion, shyness / timidity, delicacy (but not fragility), innocence, elegance, fashion style.

If you can't see (in your person of interest) some personality traits that are important for you, if your main thought is something like "He / she is beautiful, I'd like to be with him / her", that doesn't sound like the start of a happy long-term relationship.

You will be on the right path when, upon seeing a potential partner, you'll automatically start by asking "Is he / she right for me?" instead of saying "I must be with him / her!"

Beauty and (power of) attraction are different things. There are people who appear physically stunning or mesmerizing at first sight, but who lose a bit of their charm and attractiveness every time you see them, that is, they lose their power of attraction (although they still appear beautiful). There are people who become more charming and attractive every time you see them, and whom you anxiously await to see again. This is the best way to tell the difference between physical attraction and romantic attraction, but it requires a bit of time.

You'll have a breakthrough when you'll realize that a relationship (romantic and sexual) is not with a body, but with a personality, and that personality has to be compatible with yours.

Things which don't indicate compatible personalities: being nice people, (common) hobbies, (common) favorite movies, music, books or colors.

To understand which potential partners are part of the special category of people with whom you could truly have a happy relationship, you have to observe and compare potential partners, in time.

You will have to see how they look and how they behave, and push your mind to progress toward a state where it's able to extract (from apparent noise) the extremely fine details that tell you who is part of this special category. This ability will be severely limited by the reduced details that you can observe in a short time frame, but you only need it to reduce the number of people with whom to have a conversation.

It's a category of people because there will be several such potential partners, and there is absolutely no way for anyone to understand who is the "best match". There is no best match, there are several best matches.

This progression of the mind creates a huge set of information weaved together with your personality from birth, and can't be simplified and described into words because people are too different, so each person has to make the effort to build their own mind state that allows them to filter potential partners, and understand who they should approach for a conversation. This mind state will build slowly and with great difficulty because it has to overcome your personality that has built from birth.

Prioritize correctly

The quickest way for me to see whether I and a woman have incompatible personalities is whether she has dyed hair, lots of makeup, lots of jewelry, long nails, or nails dyed with intense colors or drawings. I have to ask myself what could possibly determine me, as a woman, to do those things and like them? The answer is: nothing (voluntary). So, I don't see in those preferences the same structure and interests that I see in me. Long nails also make thorough hygiene rather impossible.

A women who has long nails didn't wake up one day with long nails, forced to accept the situation. Her entire life, everything that happened, every choice she's made, led her to feel pleasure when seeing her long nails. My life has led me to dislike them. So the entire progressions of our lives form the reason why out personalities are incompatible.

Ironically, my biggest failure in life to seize an opportunity was when I was mesmerized by a woman, who appeared to share the feeling, as we gave each other several long looks, and I left (without saying anything) because she had three dotted nails (or something like that). For most people that sounds absurd, but that kind of obsession has built the work that you see, in part, on this website, to absurd detail, so I know how important tiny details are for the big picture.

That was the moment that fairy tales are made of. The problem is that, in reality, you also need the brain circuitry to recognize the importance of the moment in just a few seconds.

Other failures I can justify, but this remains my biggest. Unfortunately, an in-person encounter only gives you a few seconds to make a decision. On the other hand, the impact that this failure (and others) had on me has materialized into the details of this article.

So, if this happens to you, perhaps you will remember this story and you will not let your tinny obsessions overpower your feelings, when the feelings should have priority, as is the case when looking for a romantic relationship.

I do think that I saw her again; there were similarities and differences, so I'm not sure. She was still pretty, but the magic was gone.

The second lesson of this story is that one look is never enough to tell you anything about a person, no matter how powerful the attraction is.

Give and take

What do you want to offer to your partner? What do you want to get from your partner? Happiness, passion, ecstasy?

What's standing in your way? Your, your partner's or both your ways of thinking?

Are you interested in making the effort to satisfy your partner, or do you want only to get satisfaction from your partner? Do you care?

Have you thought about how you're going to make your partner happy, and how you're going to make him / her shake uncontrollably in complete ecstasy?

Perhaps you're asking yourself why should you satisfy your partner while he / she reaps the benefits. That's the wrong question to ask, it's not the problem that you have to solve. If you're asking such a question, your problem is not that your partner reaps the benefits, it's that you can't find the partner you want, and solving this problem is not done by denying your partner to be satisfied.

If you're having trouble finding a partner that you would like to satisfy, you should take a long look at your target audience, that is, at the pool of potential partners in which you're looking. Perhaps so far you've been looking in the pool of potential partners who can't give you any reason to want to satisfy them. Perhaps the potential partners who can give you such a reason are ignoring you, in which case you should ask yourself what is it about you that makes them do that. Perhaps you are ignoring the potential partners who can give you such a reason, because you think they are not good enough for you.


I once saw a young couple in a store. She was attractive and he was a nice guy, about on par with her beauty. I was admiring her and saw her big, lovely eyes lingering on me for a bit. Not normally a problem, but it felt like she was looking for something, something not material.

As they were walking by, I felt a disconnect between the two of them, and she was clearly the one leading in the relationship; he was obviously lost about what he should do. At some point he saw that a large label was stuck on his shoe, and he removed it; at this point he was behind her. What came next left me stunned: he stuck the label on her coat.

She initially got angry, thinking that it might ruin her coat, but it didn't stick, so she took it in her hand, looking at it, not knowing where it came from. All I could think was how a man who had access to a beautiful woman's body thought that the best way to interact was to stick trash on her. What a lost opportunity to make a woman happy!

I insist on the beautiful aspect of her because that was a woman who would have no issue in getting another man in the shortest time possible, a woman who was already looking for something outside of her relationship, but who probably didn't know what she should do, and, more importantly, what she could have (if she were able to choose a knowledgeable man).

Another time I saw a very similar couple and, again, I was admiring her and saw her lovely eyes looking at me several times. But this time, her look was expressing only interest, not I-want-out-of-here. It was much less clear that she was leading, even though she was mostly in front and the man following her closely. But most importantly, in this case the man was doing a very different thing, unequivocally showing that he knew what he was doing: he was casually touching her back, patting her slightly and caressing her with attention. To make it clear, the relationship wasn't good because he was patting her on the back, but because the patting was only a small part of the rest of his similar behavior.

Another time I saw a young couple (slightly older than the couples above) with a kid; she was also a beautiful woman. There was a clear disconnect between them, with a marked physical distance. In this case, she wasn't leading, but nor was he. At some point she asked him about doing something, trying to get him involved, and he said "Do what you want", with a soft but neutral voice. She was also obsessively avoiding other people's looks, as if she wanted to avoid any temptation, but in fact isolating herself from reality. At some point her eyes did meet mine and she was surprised by the attention, but liked it (considering the multiple eye contact). She was behaving like a woman who believed in excruciating faithfulness, but unfortunately faithfulness doesn't equal happiness. In this case, the lesson is that being distant from your partner degrades your relationship, whether you see it or not. I saw them several times.

First date

Men should not ask women where they want to go or what they want to do, they should plan the date, including some conversation topics.

For the first date, it's best do something that allows you two to sit next to each other rather than across a (dinner) table. Try to do some activity together, something that keeps you in close proximity, something other than dinner or movie. A dinner also has the problem that it can't be easily cut short if the date isn't going well.

Going in a crowded place forces you two to stay very close to each other, and likely touch (more or less accidentally) several times.

If you do sit across a table, try to find one with a small distance across, so that you can easily touch hands if you feel that the date is going well.

Avoid going to a movie because you can't interact, unless after the movie you go to a place where you can interact. Make sure that your person of interest knows where you will go after the movie.

Before you start the (serious) conversation, you could say "I'm going to put my phone on silent. I don't want phone calls to disturb us." This will allow your person of interest to do the same. You don't want any phone calls to disturb your time together.

Meeting with a stranger

If you've met online, talk extensively before meeting in person, preferably through video communication. Ask for his / her real name and clear photos of his / her face.

Agree to meet only in a public place with many people around.

Tell to a friend where you are going and when you will return. Give to that friend the online account, the real name and the photos of your person of interest.

Do not agree to be picked up from your home by your person of interest. Go to the meeting place on your own, and return from there on your own.

Do not let your drinks unsupervised. Drugs can be put into them while you are away.

Do not feel embarrassed by the precautions that you are taking. Some people may try to make you feel ashamed of your behavior / precautions, so that you lower your guard. If this happens, either strongly voice your desire / need to feel safe, or simply walk away.

Predators think that they are smart and can exploit your social behavior. For you, it's better to appear uncool than end up being hurt. Someone who cares about you would not try to make you feel ashamed about your safety precautions.

For example, if someone asks you "But don't you trust me?" just look into their eyes, smile and say confidently "No", or if you prefer a milder way then say "Not yet", or if you want to redirect the questioning then ask "Trust you with what?"

If at any point your person of interest shows the slightest sign of verbal, mental or physical aggression, walk away as soon as possible.


Don't rush to touch your person of interest. You can try to get closer and closer to him / her.

If he / she keeps steps back / away, don't touch him / her.

If he / she lets you get closer and doesn't step back, you can try some gentle touches on his / her shoulders, arms and hands.

First kiss

If you want to kiss your person of interest for the first time, asking for permission would surely break the romantic mood. You also don't want to go for it without permission and risk a harsh rejection.

If you want to kiss him / her, and you feel that he / she might want the same, you can try to lean slightly toward him / her, moving your face toward his / her face, very slowly. If he / she doesn't do anything or leans toward you, lean a bit more, and so on until you kiss. If he / she moves a bit away from you, don't get upset, wait a moment and then move away as well. Then, just wait for another time, or even ask him / her about what happened, about why it was the wrong moment for a kiss.

An alternative is to introduce a bit of a teasing tone with a statement like "Looks (to me) like you want to kiss me."

By doing this, you allow him / her to either give you permission without being technical about it, but also to give you the lightest possible rejection, with either "Yes", "No" or "Maybe".

"Maybe" is a form of teasing, a cat-and-mouse game which many people who like one another enjoy playing, game which is a form of mental foreplay. If he / she says this then you could continue with "It's risky because if we kiss, you will want more."

A less emotionally intense alternative to the first kiss is the first peck. Simply put, instead of moving your lips toward the lips of your person of interest, move normally to peck him / her on the cheek. Make sure that it's clear that your moving toward his / her cheek, so come from a side of his / her face.

Paying the first time

If it wasn't previously decided who should pay for the first meal, if the woman offers to pay for her part, the man should let her.

Some women say that the man should pay even in this case because a woman who says that she wants to pay actually doesn't mean it, and if the man lets her pay then she will lose respect for him and will ignore him in the future.

What you're not told is that this is a good thing because a woman who's offering to pay but doesn't mean it, exhibits a pattern of deceit by saying one thing while believing the opposite. What will she do in the future? The exact same thing, repeatedly.

She's also trying to see if the man is easy to manipulate, that is, if he's willing to do things even though she pretends to not be interested in them.

A man who wants to be in a long-term, balanced relationship, should walk away in such a case because the pattern of deceit and manipulation will repeat, especially when the stakes are higher than the cost of a date.

Asking immediately for a second date

If you and your person of interest went on a first date which went well, you probably want to go on a second date, but you don't know how to ask for one without appearing desperate / needy. A common solution is to play games where you pretend that you're too cool to express your feelings, and wait for a few days.

You can avoid such a game by saying, immediately after the first date ended, "I had a wonderful time and I want us to get together again." If your person of interest doesn't answer immediately, add "Call me when you want that too."

He / she might say "No, no, you should call me in a few days." This is a big warning sign because he / she is likely trying to see if it's possible to manipulate you, to get you to do what he / she wants. Therefore, make it absolutely clear "If you have to think about it, you call me." This won't stop a determined manipulator, but it will make you see that you have the power to defend yourself. If he / she doesn't call you, do not ever call him / her to check about the decision!

This lets your person of interest know that you want a second date, but he / she isn't pressured to answer immediately, and can think about it for a while, yet it's his / her responsibility to contact you for a second date.

After the first date

A few hours after the first date, send him / her a message with a comment or compliment about something that he / she told you during the date, to show that you were interested in what he / she was saying.

Asking later for a second date

If you didn't ask for a second date immediately after the first date ended, the next day you should send him / her a message saying "I had a wonderful time yesterday and I want us to get together again. Let me know if you're interested."

This lets your person of interest know that you want a second date, but he / she isn't pressured to answer immediately, and can think about it for a while, yet it's his / her responsibility to contact you for a second date.

Before a long-term relationship

Before entering in a long-term relationship, go with your partner to a large general store, like a grocery, and simulate a shopping spree together. Tell each other what you prefer to buy and why.

Sexual lifestyle

Warning: sexual content included.

Sexual lifestyle means the way people regard / view sexual behavior, not the way they have sex. There are two main sexual lifestyle types: indulgent and controlled.

People with an indulgent sexual lifestyle first have sex and then decide whether they are compatible for a (long-term) relationship with their partner. For them, sex is a biological need, like eating, which is fulfilled when it appears, with whoever is available at the time, so they go with the flow in their relationships and sexual life. Having sex with a partner and separating later feels like they've gained sexual and life experience. This results in indulgent people having sex with many partners during their lifetime.

People with a controlled sexual lifestyle first decide whether they are compatible for a long-term relationship with their partner, and only then have sex. For them, having sex for the first time with a new partner is a serious decision, like the answer to a big philosophical question, so they try to control their relationships and sexual life. Having sex with a partner and separating later feels like losing a big part of who they are, that is, it feels like the dissolution of their personality. This results in controlled people having sex with few partners during their lifetime.

A controlled sexual lifestyle is not related to religious beliefs. A controlled sexual lifestyle is an internal drive, not an external one. Nobody else is telling a controlled person to feel that way, nobody else is telling him / her to have sex with very few people. When a controlled person leaves the family where the controlled lifestyle started, he / she will continue to behave the same. In contrast, a person whose sexual lifestyle was repressed within a family with strong religious beliefs, has a significant probability to become indulgent when leaving the family, as he / she finds freedom outside of it.


You may hear some people saying that monogamy is not in the human biology, that it's a practice. Certainly, it is so, but unfortunately this is said as an unspoken justification to promote the lack of monogamy.

There is one problem: biology is not the goal setter of humans, it's the limitation. Humans are what they are in spite of their biology, not because of it. Behavior, choices, non-biological traits are what separate humans from all other animals. Take them away and humans would go back to live in trees.

People have reached their unrivaled abilities because they went against their instincts and have built their future step by step, because they do things that animals aren't doing, regardless of biology. People choose to push their physical and mental abilities to the absolute biological limits, to the point where the body starts to break down. They do so against huge risks of catastrophic damage or death. They don't do it because biological traits are meant to be followed. So, what biology specifies is not a justification for how people should behave.

Monogamy is a choice, a practice, but saying this with the subtle undertone of "just a practice" shows a misunderstanding of what matters to and what made humans intellectually unrivaled among all animals: behavior.

Even more, when talking about biology and what's "natural" you end up with the analogy of animals where killing is natural. Does this mean that "natural" killing is a good thing that humans should adopt? No, it doesn't, because being "natural" has no concept of morality and of what should be. Humans aspire to be something, a behavior which is completely missing from animals and biology.

Does the past matter?

Can partners with different sexual lifestyles have compatible personalities? It's possible, but the correct question is whether it is likely and whether it is worth the risk to waste time and energy to find out.

To answer the latter question, you have to ask whether the (sexual) past matters. To some people the past matters, to most it doesn't.

Most indulgent people don't have a problem being in a relationship with a controlled person, since they decide on compatibility later in the relationship anyway.

Most controlled people do have a problem being in a relationship with indulgent people, since they prefer not to risk their future with people who make (compatibility) decisions only after they act.

People who say that the past doesn't matter are implying that controlled people should not have a problem being in a relationship with indulgent people, at least when both partners are ready to settle. When a person avoids talking about the past, that person is trying to hide it so that his / her partner can't decide on his / her own what matters and what doesn't.

The idea that the past doesn't matter arises from conflating several things: physical appearance with behavior, physical attraction with compatible personalities, and being a good person with a having a personality compatible with someone else's. The sexual past is an unlikely indicator of being a good or a bad person, but people who are good don't necessarily have compatible personalities. At the same time, physical appearance and attraction don't indicate compatible personalities, but behavior does, and the past indicates that behavior.

Every person is the way he / she is because the past has built them, past which is encoded in their current mental state, state which is carried around throughout their lives and is making decisions at every moment. People's personalities are modeled by events which leave patterns in the mind, even if unseen on the outside.

A mind is not made of random neuron firings. Decisions were made in the past, and their progression has shaped the current state of the mind. There is continuity. The past shows what people are more inclined to do in the future, which is generally to continue the same patterns. Moreover, research shows that even regretting past sexual behavior doesn't lead to a change of that behavior.

Nobody can actually look at a person and understand their mental state and what their future will bring, especially when that person hides his / her past, especially the mistakes, from other people, but the likely future is nevertheless already in their mental state.

A claim that a person is a certain way now, even if in the past was different, is a mere claim not a proven fact, and whether another person wants to risk their future to find out whether the claim is a fact, is the decision of the latter person.

The pattern of making (compatibility) decisions only after sex matters to some people, people who want their partners to have high standards for the selection of their own partners.

Here is a different way of putting all this. People don't wake up one day with a random personality. Their entire life, everything that happened, every choice they've made, led them to who they are. But what does it mean that "they are"? Is it possible to write down what people are and then read that to understand them? No, which means that what people think and say that they are, shows only a part of how they will act in the future, which is why their past has to be added to the equation in order to to better understand how the people will act in the future.

When some people are rejected because of something they did in the past, they will say "But I am the same person you've fallen in love with!" A face is not what makes a person, and physical attraction is not what makes a relationship work. A personality is not about anything that is visible, but about everything that is invisible. The face is there for physical attraction. Behavior is there to make the personality, so only it can show the potential compatibility between two people. Just because a pretty face can hide things or lie about what it did in the past, doesn't mean that what is invisible is the same thing as what is visible.

Still, the present is the result of the interaction of all the things from the past, not a mere slice of it, so the conversations have to be mostly about finding out what your person of interest is now.


Aside from the compatibility of partners with different sexual lifestyles, there is also the question of whether people with either sexual lifestyle type are more successful than people with the other type.

The answer to this question turns out to be quite simple, as the biggest giants of science, Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein, were at opposite ends the sexual lifestyle.

As far as it's known, Newton was virgin throughout his lifetime, whereas Einstein was unfaithful to his wives, had numerous mistresses and was interested in love triangles.

So, as far as professional success goes, both types can reach the very peak of human achievements.


Conversations, though time consuming, let people ask various questions which can open long, detailed and personalized conversations, with many related questions arising along the way.

Conversations can't evaluate someone's personality in an absolute way, can't say how people are, can't explain why people are the way they are, can't assign score points to personality traits or to individuals, can't categorize people and can't reference norms. There are no correct or wrong answers. There are no superior and inferior types of personalities.

Conversations can only help you compare your personality to that of another person, to see if there is a match between the two of you.

Conversations are meant to show the similarities and differences of personality, so that you can understand whether you're compatible, not whether one of you is better than the other. Compatibility of personalities in the context of a romantic relationship has nothing to do with having the same favorite colors, music, books, hobbies, jobs, all of which are irrelevant for a long-term relationship.

When your person of interest speaks, you must listen. Just shut up and listen. Let him / her see your interest in him / her. When you have something to say, don't speak before a couple of seconds of silence pass, unless he / she clearly expects you to talk.

Don't fear silence. If you get into a period of silence and start to think it's awkward, say to your person of interest "It's deeply relaxing to spend time with you in silence." This would relax both of you.

How should a conversation look like between compatible people? Balanced, because neither person is trying to dominate the other. Do not judge, mock or shame your person of interest. The more one of the partners tries to dominate the other, the less happy their relationship will be. Arguing, criticism, negativity, (an air of) superiority, mockery, all erode and ultimately devastate a relationship.

Try to make conversations fun. Let's say that someone asks you if during sex you would squeal like a dolphin. What is the correct way to answer? It's not "Yes", it's not "No", it's not with an angry tone, it's "I would, but first show me how the dolphin does it." Why? Because this answer can start a conversation, a funny one, and laughter is what you need to build a relationship, not indifference, sadness, fear or anger.

Avoid indetermination. If your person of interest asks you what you should do together, where you should go, avoid saying "I don't know" or "What / where you want". Also, if you ask him / her out on a date, particularly the first one, don't ask "Where do you want to go?". Find another answer, one that doesn't shift the responsibility from you to him / her. You can give two or three options, but you must provide those options.

If your person of interest seems reticent, fearful or ashamed to discuss something, for example sex, tell them that you want to make them happy and satisfied. Use kind words to lead your person of interest to a mentally comfortable place.

Do not enter in an argument with your person of interest. Do not say and do not imply that your person of interest is wrong. Listen, then speak to share your view, but don't try to dominate the conversation.

Until you're sure that both your preferences match, avoid expressing extreme feelings, like saying or even implying that something is awful, disgusting, gross, unless they say the same thing first.

If another person is trying to dominate you verbally, for example by raising their voice, ask what they are trying to achieve. They might be passionately explaining their point of view, but explain that you have your own and you have no intention of changing either yours or theirs.

First conversation

The first conversation should always be face to face.

Ask questions that would make your person of interest talk about his / her personality. Try to steer the conversation toward large topics (that involve a lot of talking) and toward answers that induce emotions in your person of interest, that is, try to make them talk about what they like (to visit, watch, listen to, read, cook, do for hobbies, and so on).

Ask personal questions. Ask for his / her life story.

Try to make him / her smile. For example, while trying to talk to someone in a bar, you might ask "How was your night?" Your person of interest might say "Lousy!" Are you discouraged at this point, thinking that you're being rejected? Try a funny comeback like "Till I came along, wouldn't you say?" Funny questions and statements can make your person of interest smile or laugh and become more willing to communicate. (If you think that every second word you say is funny, note that it's likely that your person of interest doesn't think the same, so don't exaggerate.)

Questions like "Till I came along, wouldn't you say?" are more likely to lead to non-decisive answers like "Maybe" and "We'll see". Statements like "And then I came along" are less likely to produce such a result.

Non-decisive answers are a form of teasing, a cat-and-mouse game which many people who like one another enjoy playing, game which is a form of mental foreplay. In other words, your person of interest is not going to answer with "Okay, let's go have sex right now." There is a game involved, game that both must play because it's a form of mental foreplay.

Try to expand your questions and statements with details, in particular when you're not face to face and you can't intervene with something else if you see that something doesn't work. For example, instead of "Let's meet" say "I would feel so much better to meet face to face with you and have a real life conversation. What if we were to see each other during the weekend, for lunch?"

Especially during your first interaction and during your first conversation, avoid an overly sexual attitude, avoid talking about sex, avoid apologizing directly or indirectly, avoid asking for permission for all sort of (minor) things, and avoid negative linguistic constructs like "don't" and "can't". Expressions to avoid: "I'm sorry", "Excuse me", "Please", "Because", "Just", "This is random, but".

If you absolutely feel the need to apologize in order to attract his / her attention toward you, try something indirect like "I know this feels strange, but", where all the words "I know feels strange" are key to show that you have an emotional understanding of the situation. After this, never excuse yourself without having a serious reason, like when making a mistake; even then, it's preferable to say "I've made a mistake" before or instead of "I'm sorry".

Avoid generic questions like "How are you?" and generic statements like "The weather is nice." Try to add details to your questions, like "What were you thinking about before you saw me?"


If your person of interest disappears suddenly and you don't know why, you can attempt to contact him / her and say something like "If there is any problem and you don't want us to continue (the relationship), that's fine, but maybe there is a misunderstanding / miscommunication."

Absolutely do not ever say "Please", "Come back", "Let's talk about it", "Let's fix this", "We can fix this", "I need you" or any other expression that shows your desperation and inability to accept a rejection.

Conversation starters

A conversation starter is the first thing that you say to a complete stranger. This can vary wildly, depending on the actual context.

A conversation starter is the first critical point in the evolution of a relationship because it's the moment when the imagination of one person must face / become reality, when another person gets unequivocally involved, resulting in an interaction which is constrained by the will of two people rather than the unconstrained imagination of a single person.

The purpose of a conversation starter is strictly to see whether your person of interest reacts favorably to your approach, to see whether he / she has at least a tiny bit of interest in having a longer conversation with you.

Nobody can read minds and nobody should have to. It's you who have to communicate what you want, in words, and discover what he / she wants, because you have taken the initiative.

From the very first words, try to make your intentions clear so that your person of interest doesn't get the time to become defensive between the start of your speech and until your intentions become clear.

Try to tell to your person of interest what you like about him / her, that is, the reason why you've approached him / her. Don't leave any doubt about it, don't leave any room for confusion. Do not beat around the bush!

Helping your person of interest with any small thing, like lifting a dropped object, or closing a door for him / her, or giving tips, is better received than a compliment because they are much more rare events. So, if it's possible, try to first help your person of interest and then say your conversation starter.

If your person of interest is undecided about what to say, the probability for you to be rejected grows exponentially the more you wait for an answer. Don't leave the other person time to doubt you! Don't wait in silence, be assertive, say something, ask a question that requires him / her to give a non-committing answer.

Don't put pressure on your person of interest, and, if possible, imply that he / she is in control of what she wants to do next. Make him / her feel comfortable talking to you for a longer time.

A stroll during the conversation forces you to focus on walking rather than looking in each other's eyes, so you won't see the insecurity / uncertainty on each other's face.

You have to be able to continue with a language that creates a friendly atmosphere, so you can have a deeper conversation. Being good at conversation requires spontaneity, that is, the ability to be relatively random in the way you make thought associations and jump from a conversation topic to another.

Make sure that you're at all times ready to exchange contact information, so have a smartphone loaded with your phone number, online messenger account names (like Telegram), social network account names, email address.

In your attempt to alleviate someone's fear, absolutely avoid saying words that indicate harm, even if you want to say that you mean no harm, like "I mean no harm", "I have no intention of hurting you", and "I don't want to hurt you".

Personalized versus standard

If someone tells you exactly any of the standard starters below, don't be upset that they were copied, they are the result of extraordinary effort. No matter the introduction, your only concern should be what he / she will say next, because what follows will have to be created on the spot, adapted to the current context, and if he / she can't keep up with the emotional language that makes these starters, it will be crystal clear.

Can you use these starters, exactly as they are? Certainly, so long as they represent the truth about what you feel for your person of interest. Don't lie to yourself, don't lie to others.

Since you didn't write these starters, you'll likely not be able to follow up with the same emotional language that's contained in them, and that's going to be crystal clear as the conversation progresses. That's why you should focus on how you present yourself.

You should build your own starters and put your own personality and feelings into them. You can make combinations and variations of the standard starters by adding details and including what you've felt about your person of interest, and what you would like to happen next.

Start by copying your preferred standard starters from below, and paste them in a file. You need them in a condensed form so that you can memorize them easily. Ignore the surrounding text in order to keep the copied text as short as possible. Move the starters around and combine them together in sentences, while you translate them into your language.

Keep the starters short but still capable to convey what you feel. There can be multiple sentences. A short starter, which should include a single compliment, sounds more natural, that is, not scripted, and short sentences are easier to rearrange on the fly. A short starter also allows your person of interest to process what you're saying. Your person of interest doesn't need to hear poetry, he / she needs to know what you want from him / her, right from the start. A starter which shows that you aren't getting over involved, so a simple one, also shows that in the case of a rejection you are likely to move on.

If there is an emotional connection between you and your person of interest then he / she will respond favorably, but if there isn't one then he / she won't respond favorably no matter what you say. Remember that the standards for a long-term relationship are higher than for a casual relationship, so catchy words aren't enough.

A starter which is meant to be addressed to a woman should leave her intrigued by the unexpected realization that the man in front of her is not a scared boy looking up to his female idol, but a man who is confident in his power of attraction, that is, a leader.

When you translate the standard starters into your language, make the effort to adapt them to the subtleties of your language, in order to have the maximum impact.

When you see an interesting potential partner, write down your feelings so that you can clarify them, in time, and reuse the text later.

Don't just voice you starter, feel it. Feel that it's true for the person that you're approaching!

Practice the starters by saying them out loud a lot, and watch your voice tone, face position, facial expression, subtle smile and body language, so that you appear friendly. Don't whisper, say them with the normal voice volume of people in general. Also, you should look into a mirror whenever you can, into your own eyes, so as to get used to looking into someone eyes when you speak. The mirror exercise is more difficult than you might think.

Simulate in your mind what you want to say to your person of interest, by switching genders. If you're a man, think that you're a woman and a random man comes to you in a public place and tells you whatever you intend to tell to your person of interest. Just pick a random man in a public place and ask yourself why, as a woman, would you be interested in whatever that man is saying to you? The obvious reason is that she already felt some interest when she saw you, before you spoke. You have to understand and feel why a woman would think that your words are much better than those of the myriad of men who start with "Hi beautiful!"

Avoid saying things like "May I ask you something?" and "I want to tell you something" because people become defensive when your intentions aren't clear from the start, and you're giving him / her time to think negatively of you. Also avoid expressions like: "I'm sorry", "Excuse me", "Please", "Because", "Just", and negative linguistic constructs like "don't" and "can't".

The starters are not magical, that is, their effect will depend entirely on (how): you approach your person of interest, your confidence, your body movements, you present yourself, your voice, your clothes, your accessories, and, of course, on whether your person of interest feels any interest for you (so there already is a connection) and has the same goal (to have a long-term relationship). Their effect will also depend on your ability to actually remember your starter in moments of extreme emotion, so exercise it a lot, including right before you approach your person of interest.


The text that you should say is written in beige. Each indentation to the right side is a dialog switch between you and your person of interest.

Here are some conversation starters and fragments that you will have to combine and adapt as is demanded by the real context.

You can give a compliment to your person of interest in order to see how he / she reacts to your approach. When you didn't have enough time to decide whether you should approach him / her, start with a compliment. If he / she reacts favorably to the compliment, if his / her attractiveness meets your standards and if you feel that your personalities may be compatible, you could continue with a conversation starter. Otherwise, walk away after giving the compliment.

To draw the attention of your person of interest, you could say:

  • Hi! Make sure your voice is loud enough to be heard.

Pause for a moment so that he / she can focus his / her attention on you. This introduction is a critical moment that let's you see if he / she might be interested in you.

If he / she doesn't (stop and) turn to look at you, perhaps he / she didn't hear you, so you could say "Stay one minute."Make sure that your voice is loud enough to be heard, and your voice tone doesn't sound like you're begging for attention.

If he / she still doesn't look at you, walk away! He / she has filtered himself / herself out, which is a good thing because he / she knows that his / her feelings for you aren't of trust and attraction; your choices are much simpler now.

If you need to continue with something which is meant to let him / her focus more on what your saying:

  • I want / have to say that.

  • I want to introduce myself. I'm [insert your name]. Use this when your person of interest is within a group of his / her friends, and address it to the entire group. Only then focus your attention on your person of interest.

Continue with a combination of some of the following fragments:

  • I've noticed your / you're [insert what you've felt his / her personality traits are].

  • (I've noticed) You have [insert what you've felt his / her personality traits are].

  • I was looking long at you.

  • I was admiring you.

  • I admired you every time I saw you. Use this if you saw each other in several different days. A bridge, familiarity, already exists in such a case, and it makes it a bit easier for your person of interest to respond favorably to you.

  • (I feel that) You are an (very) interesting man / woman.

  • (I feel that) You have something special / interesting.

  • You stand out (among men / women).

  • You have a special / unusual / captivating charm.

  • These clothes look very good on you.

  • You glow of charm / energy / happiness.

  • You are very graceful / elegant.

  • You have a charming / captivating / conquering / adorable smile.

  • Your charm / energy / determination is conquering / captivating.

  • You are a lovely / charming / captivating / attractive man / woman.

  • You look / are lovely / charming.

  • You have something charming / captivating.

  • You look / are lovely / charming with little makeup.

  • You look very fit. It's clear that you take good care of your body. Do you do some sport / fitness? You can say this to people who are very fit and are obviously either careful with their diet or are doing some sport / fitness.

  • I was charmed / captivated / conquered by your (special / unusual) [insert his / her personality trait].

  • That impressed / captivated me.

  • Something in you impressed / captivated me.

  • I've seen rarely.

  • That makes me want to know you.

  • I feel that I have to know you.

  • I feel that we have to get to know each other.

  • I had to come tell you that I want us to get to know each other.

  • I wanted to tell you this (to see what you would say).

  • I had to come over to tell you this (to see what you would say).

  • I had to come over to present / introduce myself (to see what you would say).

  • I wanted to present / introduce myself (to see what you would say).

  • There are many attractive men / women, but very few have that charm that says "come to me".

  • There are attractive men / women who lose a bit of their charm every time you see them, but there are men / women who become a bit more interesting every time you see them, until you realize that you want to see them again.

  • I've felt that you were also looking at me with interest.

    • I was just curious.

      • Let's have a conversation to satisfy both our curiosities.

  • I've felt mesmerized / hypnotized by your look, and I felt that you were also looking at me with interest. The mesmerized / hypnotized look is described at the beginning of the article.

  • Hypothetically speaking, what would you choose between being gifted an expensive perfume of your choice and a conversation with me? This can work because it can create laughter since you're putting yourself to such a significant disadvantage.

    • The perfume.

      • Considering that the perfume is hypothetical, how about the conversation?

    • None.

      • You could chose both.

    • Both.

      • Plan the conversation.

  • Hypothetically speaking, what would you choose between living on a paradise island for a week and a conversation with me?

Then, you should add a request for a conversation:

  • I (want / have to) invite you to a conversation (to get to know each other).

  • I want / have to find out what makes you (so) interesting / special.

  • I want us to get to know each other.

  • Let's get to know each other.

  • Let's have a conversation (to get to know each other).

  • It would be interesting for us to have a conversation (to get to know each other). (What do you think?) [If he / she hesitates answering, say your name and continue with any conversation topic that you think is appropriate.]

Tell him / her your name:

  • I'm [insert your name].

If your person of interest doesn't say anything but appears to like you, through his / her somewhat uncontrolled body language (like fidgeting, exclamations / onomatopoeia, blushing), you could continue with:

  • Did I leave you speechless?

  • Did I leave you without words?

  • You're all blushed. That is so cute!

  • Do you know that your eyes got wet when you saw me?

  • Your reactions are very interesting. [Describe his / her reactions with as many details as possible to show that you're paying attention to him / her.] Tell me what you feel that makes you react like this.

If your person of interest is undecided, the probability for you to be rejected grows exponentially the more you wait for an answer. So, don't wait in silence, be assertive, say something, ask a question. For example, you should quickly continue with something that requires him / her to give a non-committing answer:

  • What's you name?

  • Let's go for a walk / stroll and you can tell me about yourself. A stroll during the conversation forces you to focus on walking rather than looking in each other's eyes, so that you won't see the insecurity / uncertainty on each other's face.

  • Any conversation topic that you think it's appropriate.

Your person of interest is most likely to exhibit a strong emotional reaction to unknown, to a stranger, and might try to hide / retreat even though he / she likes you. You could continue with:

  • Stay one minute.

  • I understand that talking to someone unknown makes you want to hide, but stay one minute. It's a simple conversation.

If your person of interest has answered favorably to you (for example by saying his / her name), and there is no problem with the time available right then, you should continue with the conversation topics.

If your person of interest answers favorably to you, but one of you doesn't have time to continue right then, or he / she is in a group of people, you could continue with:

  • Let's continue the conversation tomorrow at [insert time of day] o'clock, [insert location]. Do you have a phone number? Alternatives: How can we keep in touch? How can I contact you?

  • Let me call you later today, around [insert time of day] o'clock, to see when we can meet. What's your phone number?

Your person of interest could appear to reject you with a soft voice tone that appears to leave room for a follow up, as if he / she might be interested in you:

  • I'm in a relationship.

    • Is the relationship too serious for us to have a conversation?

      • He / she hesitates.

        • I'm not making any indecent proposal. It's a conversation with no obligations for either of us.

      • What does "too serious" mean?

        • For example, if you had sex. You can specify your standards for a serious relationship in order to make it clear that you're not interested in cheating.

      • Why do you want this?

        • Because you stand out (among men / women) and that makes me want to know what is special about you.

  • The age difference seems a bit too high.

    • The age difference doesn't matter for a conversation.

  • What are you looking for?

    • An emotional connection.

  • Why should I accept?

    • It will be an interesting conversation; no favorite colors.

  • Why are you looking to talk with a stranger?

    • It's far more likely to meet an extraordinary man / woman among many strangers than among a few friends and colleagues. I can ask the interesting ones for a conversation, and see where we go from there.

  • Wasn't it too fast for you to be captivated?

    • Reality taught me to make a decision in seconds, and this decision feels right. Otherwise, the opportunity disappears.

  • Did you rehearse this?

    • In the past I've lost great opportunities because I didn't know what to say, and it has hurt a lot, so I've prepared.

  • I'm in a hurry. / I'm not sure.

    • Let me call you later today, around [insert time of day] o'clock. What's your phone number?

    • Let me walk with you for only one minute. Use this only if your person of interest is walking and doesn't stop when you draw his / her attention.

  • You're quite confident / audacious / bold / cocky.

    • You're interesting, so I've made the effort.

  • You sound like someone who is picking up women for casual sex.

    • What would be the difference in the behavior of a man who is genuinely / authentically interested in your personality? Unable to approach you? Wouldn't know what to say to you? That's why I've learned what to say.

Your person of interest rejects you with a clear voice tone that doesn't leave room for a follow up, so accept the rejection gracefully:

  • I'm in a hurry. / I'm in a relationship. / I'm married. / I'm not interested.

    • Thank you for your answer.

  • Sorry, I'm not interested.

    • It's fine. I didn't want to miss the opportunity to know you.


If your person of interest wears sunglasses while you talk, say "If I can't see your eyes, I'm tempted to look away (and you'll wrongly think that I'm not interested in you)."

This will allow your person of interest to choose what to do, if he / she didn't realize it until that moment.


If your person of interest appears confrontational by gesturing or asking you something like "Do you want something (from me)?" then do not retreat by saying "Nothing." Either ignore him / her, or say what actually happened.

You could start with something passive like "I was admiring you, but a quick look is not enough to decide whether to approach someone" and continue from there, depending on the reaction of your person of interest.

If you see that your person of interest appears to be intimidated, fearful, you could say "Did you get intimidated because I was looking at you? There is no reason for you to do that."

Women helping men

As a woman, you could approach a man that you like by starting a conversation unrelated to a romantic interest, in order to show him that you're available and approachable.

You could help a man that appears interested in you (because he's looking a lot at you), to start talking to you, by going to him and saying "I've noticed that you were looking at me, and it seemed like you wanted to ask me something. Was it just my impression?"

This way you don't reveal your interest in him, but you let him know that you're approachable and in his reach. After all, this doesn't oblige you to anything other than a bit of conversation.

He may be unprepared for a conversation, so he might be unable to start one. If that's the case but it's obvious that he likes you (maybe his face gets red) and you really like him, and you two see each other regularly, give him a link to this article, tell him to read it and to try again to talk to you.

Giving compliments

Don't make a goal from giving compliments! Don't be a validation dispenser for other people! Don't compliment random strangers! Don't compliment people at your workplace! Focus on your goal of meeting potential partners!

Only give compliments to people who look into your eyes.

Only give compliments when you mean it, when you feel it's true, else it will become banal and tiring, which will show on you and everyone will forever feel that something is missing from your behavior.

Only give compliments to people who look mature, people who have the sensuality that's needed to understand the meaning of a compliment.

You can give a compliment to your person of interest in order to see how he / she reacts to your presence and approach. If you didn't have enough time to decide whether you should approach him / her, start with a compliment. If he / she reacts favorably to the compliment, if his / her attractiveness meets your standards and if you feel that your personalities may be compatible, you could continue with a conversation starter. Otherwise, walk away after giving the compliment.

Try to compliment your person of interest for what you've felt his / her personality is like, or for something that he / she has worked to make happen. He / she will like it very much if you notice something that even he / she didn't notice about himself / herself.

Compliments about the physical appearance don't work because:

  • Since everyone can see the physical traits of other people, such compliments are easy to give, and therefore are overused and have become trivial, especially for women. Since they're easy to give, giving them indicates a lack of creativity, so the receiver immediately sees that the giver is not the best potential partner.

  • They indicate a physical attraction, not an emotional one, and an emotional connection is required to form a long-term relationship.

To draw the attention of your person of interest, you could say:

  • Hi! Make sure your voice is loud enough to be heard.

Pause for a moment so that he / she can focus his / her attention on you. This introduction is a critical moment that let's you see if he / she might be interested in you.

If he / she doesn't (stop and) turn to look at you, perhaps he / she didn't hear you, so you could say "Stay one minute."Make sure that your voice is loud enough to be heard, and your voice tone doesn't sound like you're begging for attention.

If he / she still doesn't look at you, walk away! He / she has filtered himself / herself out, which is a good thing because he / she knows that his / her feelings for you aren't of trust and attraction. Your choices are much simpler now.

If your person of interest is looking at you, continue with something which is meant to let him / her focus more on what your saying:

  • I want / have to say that.

  • I wanted to say that.

Then continue with a compliment:

  • You have a special / unusual / captivating charm.

  • These clothes look very good on you.

  • You glow of charm / energy / happiness.

  • You are very graceful / elegant.

  • You have a charming / captivating / conquering / adorable smile.

  • Your charm / energy / determination is conquering / captivating.

  • You are a lovely / charming / captivating / attractive man / woman.

  • You look / are lovely / charming.

  • You have something charming / captivating.

  • You look / are lovely / charming with little makeup.

  • You look very fit. It's clear that you take good care of your body. Do you do some sport / fitness? You can say this to people who are very fit and are obviously either careful with their diet or are doing some sport / fitness.

If you feel the need to explain why you were looking at him / her, you could say:

  • That's why I was looking long at you.

If you muddle up the words of the compliment, you could say:

  • The words just didn't want to get out.

  • That was a disaster.

Your person of interest could react in different ways:

  • Giggles (or laughs mildly). This is a good sign of mutual interest.

  • Blushes and his / her eyes get wet. This is a good sign of mutual interest.

  • Smiles.

  • Thank you!

    • Doesn't sound like it had much effect (, the compliment).

    • That didn't sound enthusiastic.

    • I'm glad that I've seen you.

    • Don't say "You're welcome", as your instinct will be. Maybe tilt your head as acknowledgment.

  • Gets visibly relaxed. For example, his / her shoulders get lower.

  • Is indifferent and has virtually no reaction. In this case, walk away.

  • Avoids looking at you and walks away. In this case, walk away.

You can't evaluate people's interest in you by the intensity of their reactions because some people are more controlled, while some people are more expressive with their emotions.

If your person of interest asks you to stay but you don't want to, you could say:

  • I have to feel emotional passion, a special connection, not just physical attraction.

  • We have different personalities.

    • What is the difference.

      • I would rather not say because it's a difference of personality, so you should change only what you feel the need to, it's not a problem that you should correct.

When you give a compliment, your voice should sound lighthearted and lively, instead of heavyhearted and dull as if you are about to lose your soulmate. An alternative to lightheartedness is voice gravitas, that is, a low and deep voice that's meant to show power and self control.

If you're intimidated because you think that he / she doesn't need your compliment, work on building your confidence or skip the compliment and ask for a conversation.

Complimenting women

Is it worth complimenting women?

A woman can be particularly skittish when a man looks at her for too long because he finds her very interesting, and can get intimidated very quickly. If the man decides not to approach her, a compliment can make her understand what his intentions were, and not leave her with a sour taste after seeing him.

It feels satisfying to hear a woman giggle, see her smile, see her getting relaxed, or even hear her say "Thank you!" Some women's eyes get wet.

Does this compensate the time, energy and focus wasted on the indifference, avoidance and complete misinterpretation of men's intentions by some women? Does this compensate the belief of some women who think that men should magically know that those women don't want to be complimented, or who think that men should never compliment strangers? That's for you to answer.

Be very careful, or you could end up being accused of stalking. Some people misinterpret benign encounters, and believe that other people who look at them are enemies stalking them. Give compliments to very few people, only when you mean it, when you feel an emotional connection (not just attraction) with those people.

Keep in mind that men give excessive attention and flattery to the majority of young women (that they are not in a relationship with), and some women start to believe that they are entitled to validation, and that men are bad if they don't validate the women, as if it's the men's job to do so. It's every person's responsibility to develop their own personalities, not to wait for validation from others. Because such women are very vocal about themselves, it may appear that most women are like this, even though that's not necessarily so.

Avoid complimenting a woman who avoids (looking at) you.

Avoid complimenting a woman who appears arrogant, who has an air of superiority. Arrogance results from an overinflated ego, from too much attention from men, attention that makes her believe that she is superior to men and that men have to provide to her whatever material and immaterial things she wants, while she doesn't feel compelled to reciprocate in at least an equal amount. Arrogance is different than the attempt to intimidate men with her unapproachable behavior; intimidation is her way of filtering out weak men.

Conversation topics

A conversation is the next critical point in the evolution of a long-term relationship because it's meant to open a dialog between you and your person of interest in order to show your similarities and differences. Keep in mind that the big differences are far more important than anything else (including the big similarities).

The conversation topics have several purposes:

  • Open vast conversations about anything, starting from a narrow scope and continuing with less related subjects.

  • Hear the answers your person of interest, but also see his / her reactions when he / she hears the topics and doesn't have a clear answer.

  • Spend time together with your person of interest.

  • Make available a large list from which you can select only a few topics that you want to discuss with your person of interest.

  • See what may constitute normal topics of conversation for other people.

  • Read about new new things and realize that some of them are (very) interesting to you, things that you would like to talk or do with your partner.

Don't go through the topics as if completing a to-do list, talk extensively.

If you go through the topics in order, top to bottom, each person should alternatively read the next topic. If a single person were to read the topics, he / she would expose all his / her personality while the other person could change his / her answers in order to pretend that he / she is a good match.

There is no need to read an entire topic in one go since it may contain multiple sub-topics which may have to be addressed separately.

For each topic, starting with the person who didn't read the topic, each person should state his / her preferences and give his / her constructive opinions on the preferences of the other person. Define your expectations and standards. State the intensity of your needs. Answer based on what you want, not based on what you think your partner of conversation wants to hear, not based on what you think other people should do, or could do, or would do. What do you prefer / like / want? Don't lie. Do not judge, mock or shame your person of interest.

There is no need to prepare your answers in advance since this is neither a test nor a competition. The topics exist so you two can get to know each other by finding out each other's answer, but they also exist so you can spend time together, become aware of various things, see each other's reaction when reading a topic, and see the effort made while trying to find an answer. Some topics are very difficult to answer on the spot, so the reactions to them are far more important than the answers.

If you don't know how to answer a topic, you can ask the other person to answer it first, so that you can get inspired. If a topic is unclear, discuss what it could mean.

You can skip any topic. You can pass on answering any topic. You can delay your answers or change them later.

You can negotiate answers, so you can ask the other person to not choose a certain answer, or to change his / her answer. Whether he / she accepts is entirely up to him / her.

You can transform the format of the topics from statements into questions, and the other way around, but keep in mind that the tone of questions can easily become tiring. Once a topic is open, you can ask questions. Statements show confidence, but they can become too complicated, so questions have to be used in such cases.

If you don't like these topics, ask yourself what life together with someone is supposed to be about, if not about these things. You want to live together, so shouldn't you find out if you can? A conversation is much cheaper than months or years of your life spent in an incompatible relationship.

As you go through these topics, if you want to continue but your person of interest doesn't, or consistently avoids giving detailed answers, or shows that he / she is bored by the topics (how do you think it will be after a few years of relationship?), walk away because that person is from the wrong pool of potential partners. He / she doesn't want to clarify those subjects for you (and even for himself / herself). You want clarity, he / she wants confusion, so you have incompatible personalities.

If your person of interest overuses expressions like "it depends", be careful because he / she is trying to muddle his / her answers. In such cases, ask him / her to clarify what it depends on, ask for examples, for clear scenarios that he / she has in mind; it's most that likely he / she won't be able to provide a scenario that involves himself / herself.

If your person of interest misinterprets what you're saying too much and you keep having to explain yourself that you meant something else, walk away.

If your person of interest doesn't want to answer a topic that matters to you, like the sexual past, thank him / her for the conversation and walk away. If he / she asks you why you're leaving, you could say "We have different personalities. This subject matters to me, but it makes you feel uncomfortable. You don't feel a natural need to answer to me, so instead of insisting and making you more uncomfortable, I will leave."

If at any time the conversation becomes heated, do not become combative, just change the topic. You can later consider if there is any point in continuing the relationship.

To start a conversation, show to your person of interest the list of topics from your smartphone and say this: "Let's use this list of (conversation topics) because it's large and detailed."

If your person of interest appears to negatively remark on the fact that you're looking on your smartphone for conversation topics, you can say "What would you like to talk about? What would you like to know about me?" If he / she doesn't come up with a conversation topic, say "Let's find something in the list."

Don't be afraid to ask questions because your person of interest might get upset. If he / she gets upset, you should be thanking to whatever or whoever you want, for the opportunity of seeing how your person of interest really is, and then walk away.

There are over 360 very detailed conversation topics available in:

Relationship compliments

These are compliments that you can use in a relationship. You can either say the compliment to your partner, or you can leave it as a note, in bed, on your pillow.

You bring out the best in me.

It's deeply relaxing to spend time with you, without doing anything.

I want to hug you and never let go.

When I look at you sleeping and see your chest moving, I feel like I'm breathing you.

One thing I like with chocolate is you.

One thing I like with whipped cream and strawberries is you.

Make love to me so I can touch the stars.

Make love to me so I can feel the stars embracing me.

Make love to me so I can feel the stars making love to me.

When I'm looking in your eyes, I feel like I'm melting inside you.

When I'm looking in your eyes, I feel like I'm seeing the history of the Universe from the Big Bang to you. (The black pupil surrounded by the colorful iris does look like a black hole that has given birth to a supernova / Universe.)

I appreciate you very much.


You are the most beautiful man / woman in this room. (Say this when he / she is the only man / woman in the room.)

The best part of my day is waking up next to you. (When you have to wake up before your partner, leave this as a note on your pillow, and also draw a stick figure of yourself.)

Tips for a successful relationship

Here is the one thing that could save your relationship: there is no one thing that could save your relationship. Stop trying to simply the world! The fewer things you use to represent the state of your relationship, of the world, the lower the accuracy of your predictions of the (present and) future will be. A relationship requires many little things to work, hence the large number of conversation topics needed to help you understand your partner.

Continuously work on yourself to meet your partner's expectations, and make changes when necessary. Ask yourself why you would want to be with a partner like yourself. Continuously evaluate whether your partner passes your expectations, and ask for changes when necessary. Always communicate with your partner, without playing "pretend" games.

Communicate what you want, in words. Find out what your partner wants. Nobody can read minds and nobody should have to.

Don't "test" your partner. Never pretend to be / want something other than you actually are / want. Never play "pretend" games. Don't be too cool for the truth. If you want something to happen, ask for it.

Don't try to control your partner, don't tell him / her what and when to do.

Don't mock your partner.

Criticism which is not constructive is poisoning everything around. If you don't know how to criticize constructively, by giving mutually beneficial potential alternatives, then don't criticize. If your constructive criticism is ignored several times and you continue to criticize, then you are not solving the existing problem, you are creating a new one. If you don't like the situation, walk away.

Don't direct you aggression toward your partner. Aggression can be verbal, mental or physical.

During sex, don't make your partner feel bad for either asking or for refusing something.

See Preventing conflict.


A few questions to ask your partner, from time to time.

What things do you want me to do for you (regularly)?

For what things do you feel that I don't give you enough support?

What would you like to change about me? What would you like that I change about myself?


Men and women are almost just as interested in the physical attractiveness of the opposite gender. For women, the attractiveness of men is mainly represented by mental and physical strength.

Men and women are almost just as interested in sex (that satisfies them).

Men and women cheat their partners in about equal proportion, so justifications like "men cheat more" have no practical relevance.


Red flags

Walk away from a relationship with a partner who does any of these things; some of them could happen once, some several times. Regardless of what or who caused the underlying problem, walk away from that destructive relationship. You can expect these patterns regularly from such a relationship, and it isn't going to get better as time passes, but only worse. You should be thanking to whatever or whoever you want, for the opportunity of seeing how your partner really is, and then walk away. Once you walk away, never return to that partner.

When you tell him / her that you like him / her, he / she asks you to be friends instead. There is no romantic or sexual relationship for you there, so don't wait for one.

Says that school and career are more important for him / her than a long-term relationship. There is no romantic relationship for you there, so don't wait for one. Another thing to take into consideration is that the people who prioritize school and career will mostly have casual sexual relationships during that time, until they are ready to settle.

Expects you to tell him / her what kind of relationship you want to have with him / her, even tough he / she hasn't asked that, and hasn't told you what kind of relationship he / she wants to have with you. People don't have the same expectations, so the expectations must be clarified before the person who has them becomes seriously involved.

Doesn't clarify from the beginning what kind of relationship he / she wants, has sex with you, and after a while of being together blames you for not committing to him / her, treating you as if you've made a promise to commit.

Avoids saying what kind of relationship he / she wants, when you ask for clarification.

Expects you to be able to "read" his / her mind.

Gets upset when you ask (certain) questions. The problem here isn't that your partner gives you an answer that you don't like, or that he / she is having difficulties communicating what he / she wants, but that you can't possibly know the answer without asking, yet your partner gets upset by your mere attempt to understand his / her personality and differences between you two. Nobody can read minds and nobody should have to. Walk away or you'll forever have to read his / her mind.

You believe that he / she is sending you mixed signals. Examples: you are communicating often but then he / she vanishes for a few days.

Breaks promises often. Examples: tells you that he / she will call you at a certain time but does so only much later, agrees to meet at a certain time but is constantly late (more than a few minutes).

Cancels dates.

Answers your messages and calls you with at least a 2 days delay.

Tells you that the past doesn't matter. This isn't necessarily a problem, but when a person avoids talking about the past, that person is trying to hide it so that his / her partner can't decide on his / her own what matters and what doesn't. The next step for that person is to lie about his / her past, a pattern created by the past.

Doesn't admit his / her mistakes, doesn't accept responsibility for making them, never says "I was wrong" or "I'm sorry'. You may hear this in the form of expressions like "you can't hold my (past) choices against me". Expressions like "everybody makes mistakes" are attempts to dilute his / her personal responsibility in the sea of mistakes that all people make, even though only some people make mistakes of that specific type, and you may or may not be one of those people.

Tells you that he / she can do whatever he / she wants (with his / her body), and if you don't like that, it's your problem.

Behaves as if he / she is a victim and you are to be blamed for the bad things in his / her life.

Criticizes you and nags you about what you should do, or what should be done, implying that your way is the wrong one, and his / her way is the right one.

Tries to manipulate you psychologically / emotionally, by shaming and belittling you, for your preferences and standards that you say your partner must have.

Tries to manipulate you psychologically / emotionally when you don't do what he / she wants. He / she is a drama queen. Examples: pouts, yells / screams, begs, cries, throws tantrums.

Mocks you, or at least you can hear the mocking tone in his / her voice.

Is condescending, mocking, or insulting (uses ad-hominem attacks).

When he / she wants to emotionally manipulate you, he / she writes you messages instead of talking face-to-face, because he / she doesn't need to control his / her real reactions / emotions (which could expose his / her manipulation).

Argues about a small thing and exaggerates the argument to an extreme intensity, possibly even including sleeping separately. (This is likely a sign of a major complaint that has accumulated over the years, something that he / she wasn't able to talk to you about, so you might want to first try to find out what that is.)

Diverts arguments (= changes the context) toward something other than what's being argued, in order to hide the fact that he / she has failed to logically support his / her side of the argument, and is now throwing darts into the dark until you get exhausted and feel defeated, even if it's about something that didn't start the argument. He / she cares about winning the psychological battle, not about being right. He / she is deliberately (even tough maybe subconsciously) misinterpreting your intent, and this shows major differences in how you two perceive and handle life (events). Examples:

  • You're talking about something in general (like "I wake up every day at 6 o'clock"), while your partner keeps bringing up this and that exception that he / she knows about (like "You woke up at noon, on June 14th").

  • You're talking about what people do in general (like "There are people who do bad things"), while your partner behaves like you're saying what people should do (like "So, you're saying that everyone should do bad things").

  • You're talking about how Reality is, while your partner says that the way Reality is it's immoral, as if the laws of physics would or should change because of people's morality. If your partner says that the laws of physics should change, he / she is disconnected from Reality and will constantly bring in your relationship the desperation to change things, but without having a solution that would work in the real world, for everyone involved. The laws of physics work for everyone in exactly the same way because they don't care about people, about each person's preferences and perceptions.

  • You're supporting an argument with logic and scientific research, while your partner brings up (people's) emotions, feelings and sensitivities, or what people can afford, as if the laws of physics would or should change because of people's feelings.

During arguments, throws objects around.

Treats other people badly, starting arguments or yelling at them. Observe how he / she treats the waiting stuff at the restaurants you visit.

The woman creates various imaginary scenarios to see how you would protect her. She's asking to be lied and wants to pretend that she's safe because of a few words you say. Nobody is safe from life, nobody can know what can happen during an attack, especially with multiple attackers. Walk away, this isn't a job interview for Batman.

Offers for the relationship the same things that most people offer, yet demands to have things that only the most successful partners can offer. These demands are almost exclusively about physical looks and wealth.

Expects you to pursue / chase him / her, to fight for his / her attention, because he / she is The Prize.

Believes that he / she is The Prize, so demands that you treat him / her like a king / queen without him / her treating you in the same way.

Believes that he / she is The Prize, so thinks that he / she doesn't have to bring anything into the relationship and his / her presence is enough to be in a long-term relationship with a partner who is good looking and wealthy. In reality, given the wealth, the partner is The Prize.

Believes that he / she is The Prize, so you have to be rich in order to impress him / her. In reality, given the wealth, you are The Prize.

Says or believes that he / she is a Unicorn, a King / Queen, The Prize.

Tries to find out how much money you have and make, how wealthy you are, early in your interaction, like during the first date.

Tells you how much money he / she has and makes, how wealthy he / she is, early in your interaction, like during the first date.

Tries to make you jealous.

Calls you to check where you are, who you are with and what you're doing. Might even ask you to send him / her photos taken with your smartphone, as proof.

If he / she sees you talking with someone that he / she doesn't know, he / she watches to see what you are doing and then asks you who that person was, with a voice tone which implies that you did something wrong, that is, he / she isn't talking to you but is interrogating you.

Tells you that he / she needs to think (about the relationship), needs space or a break (away from the relationship).

Tells you that he / she wants to see other people, but he / she still wants a relationship with you. In fact, he / she wants to have sex with various people, but wants you to be the backup partner and the financial provider.

Walks away from your relationship but then tells you that he / she wants you two to be together again.

Is vengeful, particularly directed at you.

Cheats on you (sexually) and blames you for not giving him / her enough attention. He / she could have walked away from the relationship, but chose to stay because of the financial security and emotional predictability that you provide.

Lies to you, and you have the evidence.

After a sexual relationship between a man and a woman ends, the woman tells the man that she is pregnant with his child. The man must not trust any evidence which is provided by the woman. Such evidence can be fabricated or bought online. The man must request and witnesses an ultrasound of the baby. After the child is born, the man must request a DNA test, and must get its result directly; don't trust the woman to take a swab for the test, or to provide the result of the test. Until the man receives the result of the DNA test, he must not have sex with that woman because she might try to tamper with the birth control methods in order to actually get pregnant with that man.

If you've decided to have a prenuptial agreement and you are about to marry, but you partner keeps postponing signing the agreement even though the wedding day is near, the intent is to exploit you emotionally on the wedding day in order for you to accept to have no signed agreement.

Hits you.

Pursuing women

If you pursue women who want to be pursued and treated like queens, who think that they are The Prize in the relationship, you will spend your life as a validation and financial tool for their benefit, and in exchange they will make your life hard.

For example, when some women see with the corner of their eyes that you look at them, they won't look back and instead they raise their chin and more prominently show a cheek. Their body language says that they want to be more valuable than you, and will try to see if they can be the leader in the interaction, waiting for you to follow / pursue them.

This pattern will repeat, so if you follow in this scenario, you will always have to experience that woman's lead. Unfortunately, most of the same women can't handle leadership and will be unbalanced, will be unhappy with a man who follows, and will trample over him, while subconsciously hoping to find a man who can stand up to them and lead them.

From bad boys to nice guy

A behavior common to many women is to have casual, passionate sex with various men, the "bad boys", that they find sexually arousing.

Because such a man won't commit to marriage (when the woman wants), the woman will say that she wants to settle and will start searching for a nice guy, a man who she thinks would be a good husband, but who she doesn't find sexually arousing.

The woman will withhold sex from the nice guy for a long time in order to pretend that she had a refrained past sexual behavior. When asked about her sexual past, she will either avoid answering (likely saying that the past doesn't matter) or will lie in order to protect her pretense game and appear virtuous.

The sex she will have with the nice guy will be refrained, not passionate, and will only degrade in quality and frequency as time passes.

A similar pattern can be seen in women who flirt with various men, and at the same time claim that they are shy with the men that they really like. They are in fact sexually aroused by the men they flirt with, and are not aroused by the nice guys they pretend to really like.

Birth control

Men should always use condoms, unless they want the women to get pregnant.

Some women intentionally skip their own birth control method, like taking the pill, in order to get pregnant and force the men to commit to them and pay for raising the child.

Some women retrieve condoms from the trash bin and try to impregnate themselves with the semen that is still inside. To mitigate this, after finishing, wash the condom inside; if you are paranoid enough, you could spray some disinfectant in the condom. Don't flush condoms in the toilet!

Some women try to puncture a sealed condom so that semen could leak out from the condom when it's used. To mitigate this, inspect the seal visually. If you can wet it with water, do so, then dry the seal and after taking the condom out of its seal, check if the condom is wet because that means that water has seeped in through a puncture. These methods are good for accidental tears and punctures as well.

Don't blindly trust a paternity claim made by, or DNA test provided by, a woman. There are women who fake pregnancy and DNA tests, with help from other women or companies.

Value and entitlement

Job security, real estate, money, social status and intelligence are valuable assets to have and bring in a relationship. They usually increase in value from the beginning of adulthood until the late years of a person.

Many people want, due to a biological instinct, to get a partner who is physically beautiful. Their logic is blinded by this instinct into thinking that physical beauty is a valuable asset to have.

If anyone says that they are looking for a partner with a lot of money, and he / she brings in the relationship beauty and generic personality traits, consider that very few people have a lot of money, and money doesn't fade away, whereas many more people have beauty, but beauty fades away rather quickly. At the same time, generic personality traits, like friendship and kindness, are common, so many people can bring them in a relationship. This means that you should be careful when you bring the money while your partner brings the beauty in a relationship.

This asymmetric exchange of beauty for money becomes a problem when the beautiful people feel entitled to have the money. Such people will get in relationships that are doomed to fail from the start, and will constantly try to psychologically manipulate their partner into submission. And if the relationships fail, they will use the law to get the largest possible portion of the valuable assets, in a divorce. Why do they do it? Because they can and they are successful in a very large proportion of cases. So, the people who have created the valuable assets would lose a lot of value if they are not careful when choosing their partners.

Some people say, usually during a divorce, that the partners of successful people are entitled to a large part of the wealth because they've inspired the success. This is the meaning of the saying "Behind every successful man is a woman." But reality is different: a successful man would become successful by marrying the average woman, whereas a woman wouldn't make the average man successful. This is also true if the genders are reversed. Success isn't achieved through inspiration, but through relentless determination to become successful.

People can't find good partners anymore

An imbalance of power and timing arises from the way in which each gender selects partners. Through their selectiveness of men, the vast majority of women decide when sexual relationships occur. Through their selectiveness of women, the men who have a high power of attraction, that women go for, decide when long-term relationships occur. This imbalance is virtually eliminated in the case of people who have a controlled sexual lifestyle, because they delay having sex, so the selectiveness of the partners is reduced to forming long-term relationships.

The Power of Attraction (PoA) is the level of attractiveness that people appear to have, to potential partners, for a romantic or sexual relationship.

The PoA is the result of human behavior and interaction, and is used by the brain to quickly and semiconsciously evaluate potential romantic or sexual partners. If more time is available to make the evaluation, the PoA can shift dramatically because the revealed invisible information can turn out to be very different than what's visible. However, the available evaluation time is usually short; it's a few seconds when looking at a stranger walking by, and a few seconds or minutes when looking at an online dating profile.

Why do men and women say that they can't find good partners anymore? Because the attraction between men and women is asymmetric, that is, each gender has (very) different partner selection criteria.

A man's criteria for wanting to get in a relationship with a woman are: attractiveness (youth, body fitness / firmness), a good mother to his children. Men are most interested in women who 20...30 years old.

Men find that women's social status (stable and profitable job, position in society, ambitions) and education (intelligence) are either not important (when they are below men's), or off putting (when they exceed men's).

Men don't demand women to be at least as good as them, so many women fulfill their demands. For example men don't need women to have a financial situation or education similar to theirs, nor do they need women to be better looking than they are. Men's demands remain largely unchanged regardless of how many potential partners they see.

Men tend to choose women who had few sexual partners. This is the source of the popular knowledge that "men want virgin women".

A woman's criteria for wanting to get in a relationship with a man are: attractiveness (mental and physical strength, height, youth, body fitness / firmness), confidence, social status (stable and profitable job, position in society, ambitions, wealth), education (intelligence), a good father to her children. Women are almost just as interested in the attractiveness of men, as men are interested in the attractiveness of women, but attractiveness is mainly represented by men's mental and physical strength, which indicate the ability to protect the women, which is why they like confident and leading men. Women are most interested in men that are about their age.

Women demand men to be at least as good as them, in most criteria, which means that few men can fulfill the demands of accomplished women. For example, a man neurosurgeon would have no problem in having a relationship with a shop assistant, but a woman neurosurgeon would want an equally accomplished man.

Financial success is one criteria where men and women differ fundamentally. For men, the fact that a potential (woman) partner has a successful career and makes a lot of money doesn't increase her power of attraction. For men, attraction consists of sexual arousal, which for them means physical beauty and youth. Women's success doesn't sexually arouse men. However, for women, the fact that a potential (man) partner has a successful career and makes a lot of money does increase his power of attraction. For women, attraction includes the financial status of men, and is not limited to sexual arousal, which is why women want men who make more money then them. Some women simply can't understand this asymmetry, try to belittle men and say that men are the problem because they aren't attracted to women who make a lot of money, and that women's success intimidates men. Men then become repulsed by these women (who likes someone who mocks them?), and then these women complain even more about men being the problem.

When analyzing what women say that they want in a man, it may appear that women aren't interested much in the men's physical attractiveness, whereas men appear interested only in women's physical attractiveness. This makes some people claim that only men are interested in physical attractiveness, whereas women aren't. This claim is wrong because of several things:

  • Women are interested in men's physical attractiveness as much as men are interested in women's physical attractiveness. However, women are just as demanding in other areas, like finance and education, whereas men aren't. So, it's not that women aren't interested in men's physical attractiveness, but that women are also just as demanding about other things, whereas men aren't.

  • There is a severe discrepancy between what women say that they are and what they want from a man, and what they say that other women are and want from men. This is because women want to create a better image of themselves. However, they aren't interested in making other women look as good as themselves, so they have no reason to embellish other women's image. This discrepancy doesn't appear in men.

  • Research shows that when a partner has to be chosen, both men and women make a decision mostly based on physical attractiveness.

Men dislike women who exhibit masculine behavior, that is, women who appear too strong, too bossy. Women dislike men who exhibit feminine behavior, that is, men who appear too soft, lacking confidence.

Women tend to choose men who appear mentally or physically strong, which indicates the ability to protect the women, over men who had few sexual partners. This is the source of the popular knowledge that "women want bad boys (who are sleeping around)". Women expect the men to bring the protection and resources in a relationship.

Women's demands become higher as the number of potential partners they see increases, that is, they become pickier. Some statistics for online dating show that women think that 80% of men are below the average beauty, and only 7% are above (while the rest are average). This effect is not necessarily present in in-person encounters because the requirement for physical presence limits the number of potential partners. However, as online dating and online validation become prevalent for women, the positive effect of physical presence gets overwhelmed and becomes irrelevant.

As women get older and their youth and beauty start to fade, and since men are mostly interested in youth and beauty rather than a woman's social status and education, men shift their interest from these women toward younger women, which means that women's PoA drops in an accelerated manner as they get older.

Women assign to men a PoA that increases with age because a man's social status increases with age, which means that men's PoA increases as they get older (up to some point).

Men give excessive attention and flattery to the majority of young women (that they are not in a relationship with), especially by looking at them for longer than a glance and turning their heads to look at the women. This makes young women overvalue what they believe their PoA is. As they get older, they preserve their belief about their PoA, but aren't yet aware that the way men perceive them has changed, and that the attention and flattery they've received were not promises for long-term relationships and don't count as credits toward future long-term relationships, at least not necessarily from other men. Since women believe that their PoA is very high, they see no reason to recalibrate their demands, and these remain very high as women get older.

As women have achieved more freedom and equality with men, they've started to spend their youth getting better education, building a good social status, having sex with various partners (for fun / exploration / research) and delaying getting into life-long relationships.

When women reach 30 years old, with a good social status and good education, they start wanting to be in long-term, and even life-long, relationships. The problem is that at this point, their PoA has decreased a lot, as men have shifted their interest and attention toward younger women. The women could still find interested men that are 10...20 years older than them, men who still look very good, but they don't want to lower their demands. This results in little intersection of the interests of men and women.

The conclusion is that men can't find good women because those either aren't young, or are young but aren't looking for long-term relationships because they are building and living their independent life, or are in existing relationships, or men feel as if they are the backup plan to women who had their sexual fun with many other men. At the same time, women can't find good men because those either don't meet the women's high demands, or meet them but are looking for younger women, or are in existing relationships.

In the mean time, young women have their sexual fun with the men who do meet their high demands, but those demands don't involve long-term relationships (at that young age), so those men are intrinsically selected by women to be those who are interested only in sex. By the time women realize that they want long-term relationships, it's too late because at the smallest sign of long-term interest that women show, these same men move to other (younger) women (because they see no reason to stay).

This leaves many women who've spent their youth not building a long-term relationship to realize that they can't find a good partner. At the same time, many men are left with no partner because they don't meet the women's high demands.

Summary: Generally, women demand men to be at least as good as them, in most criteria, which means that few men can fulfill the demands of accomplished women. Men have fewer demands than women, so many women fulfill the demands of men (accomplished or not). The very few men that women go for, see a lot of attention and have no reason to get in long-term relationships; they are or become interested only in sex, and at the smallest sign of long-term interest that women show, these men move to other women. In time, women become disillusioned by these few men, while ignoring the rest of men because they don't meet their high demands, so they generalize their feelings to all men: "There are no good men left!" In the meantime, the rest of the men, who aren't able to get in relationships with any woman, become disillusioned by women, so they generalize their feelings to all women: "There are no good women left!"

The mysterious nature of women

For millennia, it's been common knowledge that men can't understand the nature of women, that they are mysterious, but there is no mystery from the point of view of evolution, it's psychological manipulation.

To understand this, we have to go back to the beginnings of human evolution, and even further, into the nature of animals.

There are many animal species that have two genders, male and female, where the male is going around from female to female to impregnate as many as possible, and where the female raises the offsprings. The male does sometimes also provide resources (that he gathered), and some protection, to the females that he impregnated. Humans are one of those species.

The male has complete control where he goes to impregnate, but also where he spends the resources that he gathered by spending a lot of time and energy (which he had available because he did nothing else with his time and strength), that is, where he spends resources that are very valuable to those who can't gather them, like offsprings.

Evolutionary speaking, it was not important if the male was spending his resources on multiple females and their common offsprings, so long as the resources could cover the needs of all the females, although since there were very few males who had access to so many resources, it's become an imperative to spend the resources on a single female. Some species have formed small communities where the offsprings are raised together, and where the resources are shared.

The problem was that the female couldn't gather the resources because she was busy raising the offsprings, and she didn't have control of where the male was spending his resources. The female wanted to have as much stability and control as possible over the incoming stream of resources.

Evolution has provided a tool for the female to achieve this goal: psychological manipulation, albeit subconscious or semi-conscious, which attempts to make the male submissive (not during sex) and convince him that he is meant to be bound to the female, that he owes attention, resources and protection to the female.

In humans, this psychological manipulation has been refined through behavior to contain (indirect requests for) delicacy, gestures of kindness, compliments, gifts, courting, marriage. At the same time, arguing is done by using emotions instead of logic (since logic can't be manipulated easily, on the spot), pouting, begging, crying, yelling. All women had to do was to give men something to reach for, by amplifying men's instinctual attraction to women's beauty, an indication of good genetic potential. In exchange for resources and protection, women raised the children, but also cooked and cleaned for the men.

The need to have resources isn't to have a certain amount of them, but to have them, that is, an unrestricted amount. This is why some women aren't satisfied to have the resources that they need, and instead chase as many resources as possible, and therefore as many options for resource providers (= men) as possible.

The chase for resources is why:

  • Many women like "bad boys". These women have already secured the attention of the nice guys, so they don't need to spend more time and energy with them, but they instinctively try to secure the attention of the bad boys whose attention they don't yet have.

  • Women, from fragile to bossy, dislike and fear weak men, men with the begging puppy look on their face (conveying "Pleeease give me attention!"), men who have the habit of excusing themselves for inconveniencing the women, men who orbit and linger around the women, be they men from the friend zone or strangers. The women have the attention of those men, so they don't need to do anything more. But if those men were to suddenly transform into bad boys, with all the look and attitude, with the ability to ignore the women and even give them looks of superiority, with the ability to walk away from the women in fractions of a second, the women would find themselves interested in the men because they would start to wonder why those men value themselves so highly relative to the women, and what kind of resources they may be able to access, be those resources financial or other women. To clarify, this means that men have to be confident, not weak or badly mannered.

  • Women's interest in men is split: they are sexually aroused by some men, but want to be provided resources (for their children) by other men, men who've spent most of their time getting those resources. For men there is no such split, that is, men want to have children with and are sexually aroused by the same women.

  • Many women become disinterested in sex, after marriage, outside of reproductive purposes. Some of this is due to the stress of daily life, but some is due to the fact that the interest in the husbands was for resources in the first place, and since those resources have been secured, there is no more need to attract the men. The biological imperative has vanished and was replaced by societal attachment (in the form of a non-sexual marriage).

The rise of feminism, female contraceptives and gender equality in the workplace led women to no longer need the men to provide the resources, although they still want it on an instinctual level. On top of this, modern communication tools (like magazines, radio, TV and Internet) have allowed men to validate women's attractiveness extremely easily, swamping them with attention, which led women to think that the given attention is proportional with the potential for a (long-term) relationship where the men share their resources.

The modern day result is that there are many women who use psychological manipulation to get men's resources, but without providing in return the primitive driver of this behavior: being the family binder. Even more, they believe that they are owed men's complete attention, thinking that the women are a prize because they are pretty and allow access to sex. But sex isn't the reason why men are driven by biology to spend their resources on women, reproduction is, yet it's this reproduction within a family that had its role significantly reduced in the modern society.

This is why many modern women are disconnected from the biological reality and believe that they are a prize in themselves, as if beauty and sex are biological drivers (they are not, reproduction is), and many modern men are completely confused about what their role is in the modern society.

Does this mean that this kind of psychological manipulation is bad? It wasn't when it was balanced by biological drivers.

Does this mean that men and women must follow the traditional roles of the resource provider and child caregiver? Does this mean that men should not compliment women, make gestures of kindness, or give them gifts? No, but it does means that men and women must understand what their roles are in their particular relationship, what each of them brings in it, be it a relationship which is driven by biological imperatives, or one of deliberate choice against such imperatives.

Psychological manipulation has to be secret in order to have effect, which is why the belief that women's nature is unknown has persisted so long, but modern day changes in gender roles require understanding the possibilities and choices.


How can I make a good portrait photo?

A portrait photo means that a person is fit in the frame / photo from the top of the head down to shoulders or chest.

A good portrait photo is a photo where the face and the eyes are clearly visible, that is, they are not covered by sunglasses.

The photo can be taken either in portrait mode (with the narrow side of the camera / photo aligned horizontally with the ground) where nothing but the photographed person fits in the frame, or in landscape mode (with the wide side of the camera / photo aligned horizontally with the ground).

The focal length of the lens is a critical element in how the subject will appear in photos due to the geometric distortions introduced by the distance between the subject and the camera. The smaller the focal length of the lens is, the smaller the distance between the subject and the camera has to be (to fill the photos with a good portrait), distance which will make some facial features, like the nose and cheeks, appear bigger and narrower in the photos than what people see in reality. On the other hand, the larger the focal length is, the larger the distance between the subject and the camera has to be, distance which will make the same facial features appear smaller and wider. Different focal lengths make different people appear in photos either better or worse than in reality, so what focal length should be used has to be tested on every subject.

As a side note, the geometric perspective of the human eye is equivalent with a 43 mm focal length used on a full frame sensor, so a lens with this focal length will minimize the distortions the most. If the sensor diagonal differs from the full frame sensor, the focal length has to be scaled proportionally. Note that the actual focal length of the eye is 22 mm, but, unlike a full frame sensor, the eye is curved, which alters its geometric perspective.

If you are taking selfies, the small distance from which the photos are taken will automatically be small, so the facial features will appear bigger and narrower than in person.

To avoid such geometric distortions, have a friend take your portrait photo outside, in daylight. Have the camera 2...4 meters (7...14 feet) away from you, but adjust the (optical) zoom in order to fill the frame with your head and shoulders.

If the sun is bright, either position yourself to have it behind you, or move into a (lightly) shaded area; do this in order to avoid squinting, and to avoid harsh shadows forming on your face. Have both the camera and yourself inside the shadowy area, not just yourself.

Make sure that the camera confirms the focus on the face.

If the camera shows the hand-shake symbol, either manually increase the ISO or pop up the camera's flash. The environmental light should overwhelm the light coming from the flash; basically, the flash should only provide enough light to fill the shadows; avoid using a strong flash directly on the face.

A bit of psychology:

  • A good portrait photo will not necessarily bring more attention to you because the people looking at your photo may simply be used with and expecting a different type a photo, like selfies taken from arm's length (which look more natural because of the imperfections).

  • You may be tempted to cover your face with something like sunglasses. If you think about posting such a photo in your online profile, you should consider that the people who want to see your eyes may skip you, while those who are more interested in your body will contact you anyway.

  • Smiling is not necessary, but make sure that you don't have a sad face.

  • Add a personal touch. For example, a photo of someone looking like a model in an advertisement is impersonal. But someone taking a selfie, smiling or holding / waving a hand at the camera is going to be perceived as more approachable.

What if I look for a partner on a online professional network?

Professional networks have the disadvantage that all the information (including the photographs) is selected for a professional context, so it doesn't accurately reflect the personality and behavior of the profile owner in a personal context.

There are people on the Internet who have had success in getting dates on LinkedIn, and there are people who advise against looking for dates on LinkedIn because it's a professional community, not a romantic one. But the best part for using LinkedIn for finding a long-term partner is exactly that it's a professional community, so you can see what your potential partner has achieved in life, that is, you can see up front if he / she is a match for your success in life.

If you decide to approach someone on LinkedIn, avoid sending a generic connect request that would make your person of interest think that you are interested in a professional connection. You should send a direct message (inmail) where you explain your interest for a connection not related to the profession, like asking whether you can ask a personal question, and clearly state that if he / she is not interested then he / she should ignore your message. This allows your person of interest to have total freedom of choice about getting in contact with you, and knowledge that his / her choice to ignore you will be respected.

First message online

If you're trying to meet with someone that you've seen online, write him / her a text message. The message must be detailed yet concise, and grammatically correct.

Write more than a generic message like "Hi beautiful" or "Let's get to know one other". Find something interesting in the profile of your person of interest and compose a message around that. If you can't, you'll have to be creative about why you find him / her attractive.

Ask clear questions whose responses matter to you.

If you send a message to someone outside of a dating service, you should state that if he / she is not interested then he / she should ignore your message. This allows your person of interest to have total freedom of choice about getting in contact with you, and knowledge that his / her choice to ignore you will be respected.

Avoid begging for attention or looking desperate in any way. Do not say "Please contact me!" Don't ask your person of interest out in your first message.

Avoid sending a second message to someone who has not responded to your first message. If you do send a second message, do it after about a week and say something like "You may have missed my previous message, so please let me try again."

How can I protect my online profile?

Your online profile must not display information which can be used to identify and track you in either the physical world or over the Internet, like: real name, home address, income amount, real names of friends, phone numbers, email addresses, the names of your accounts from other online services. Stop talking to people who insist that you give them this kind of information about yourself.

Always search online the photos of the people that you are contacting. Save on your computer the photo that you want to search. Go to Google's image search feature and upload the saved image (to their servers); click the camera icon from the right side of the search bar, and then select the photo that you've previously saved. You will then get a search result with the web-pages where the photo was found. If the photo was found somewhere else on the Internet, use your common sense to see if it really belongs to the owner of the profile or to someone else, like a photo-model.

Never send money to people who are not long-time, trustworthy friends.

Do not run computer programs which are sent to you by other people. On Windows, these are files which end with ".exe", ".bat" or ".cmd". Computer programs can be infected with malicious software which can send to others any information from your computer.


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