Jokes

Warning! Some of the following jokes have a strong sexual content.

For more fun, see these quotes.


General

A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender: "Do you have bread?"

The bartender says: "No, I'm sorry!"

The duck: "Do you have bread?"

The bartender: "No, we don't!"

The duck: "Do you have bread?"

The bartender: "No, I just told you so!"

The duck: "Do you have bread?"

The bartender: "Nooo! We don't!"

The duck: "Do you have bread?"

The bartender: "No, no, no, no!"

The duck: "Do you have bread?"

The bartender: "If you dare to ask me that one more time, I'm going to nail down your beak."

The duck: "Do you have nails?"

The bartender: "No."

The duck: "Do you have bread?"


***


A diplomat goes to see a poor man and says: "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."

The poor man replies: "I never interfere in my son's life."

The diplomat responds: "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."

The poor man: "Well, in that case..."


Next the diplomat approaches Lord Rothschild: "I have a husband for your daughter."

"But my daughter is too young to marry."

"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."

"Ah, in that case..."


Finally the diplomat goes to see the president of the World Bank: "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."

"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."

"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."

"Ah, in that case..."


***


"I love you. I miss you. I want to see you. I wish to touch you, to feel your every vibration. I want to have you and you to be my slave. I want to warm you with my heat, to roll you over in bed, to make you sweat. I will have you and I promise you that three days you won't get out of the house, you'll be all just mine and you'll feel me in every tiny part of your body."


Kiss you,

The flu!


***


Business dictionary for women:


You see a gorgeous guy at a party. You go to him and say: "I'm great in bed!" This is marketing.

You see a gorgeous guy at a party. One of your friends goes to him and pointing toward you says: "She's great in bed!" This is advertising.

You see a gorgeous guy at a party. You go to him and ask for his phone number. The next day you call him and say: "I'm great in bed!" This is telemarketing.

You see a gorgeous guy at a party. You stand up and straighten you dress. You go to him and say: "May I?" and you lean to straighten his tie, touching his arm with your breasts. Then you look at him and softly say: "By the way, I'm great in bed!" This is public relations.

You see a gorgeous guy at a party. He stands up, comes to you and says: "I've heard you're great in bed!" This is brand recognition.

You see a gorgeous guy at a party. You convince him to go home with one of your girlfrieds. This is sales representative.

Your girlfried can't handle the guy by herself. She calls you to go help her. This is technical support.

You go toward a party where you know are going to be a lot of gorgeous guys. Still, the thought that in the houses you pass by live a lot of other gorgeous guys you want to meet, drives you mad, so you go on a roof and yell: "I'm great in bed!" This is spam.


***


The elephant and the mouse are running together on a dusty country road.

The mouse says to the elephant: "Look how much dust we make while running!"


***


Q: Is it true that taking a person's photograph steals their soul?

A: Yes. This is why movie stars, fashion models, politicians and pop singers have such dreadful personalities and relationship problems - their souls have been severely depleted by all the photographs which have been taken of them.


***


I think my wife is hallucinating. She keeps telling me that she is seeing someone else.


Sexual

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her: "Miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does: "Miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 1'000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once, for 10'000 dollars?"

So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hm, 10'000 dollars?" She thinks a bit...

"Okay, but just once. Let's go to that alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off her blouse and reveals the most beautiful breasts in the world.

As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them.

Finally, the woman gets annoyed and says: "Are you gonna bite them or what?"

"Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"


***


A wife arrived home from a trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband said: "Maybe you should hear how this happened..."

"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge."

"She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style."

"She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you."

"Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now."

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked: 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"


***


A man had this bad stomach disease and he found out he needs to drink woman milk to get cured.

Big problem! There were not many women with milk in the area, and none willing to breast-feed a grown man, but after some time a young widow who had just given birth accepted to help the man for a large sum of money.

The guy, desperate, agreed, so he went to the widow's home the next day, with the money. The breast-feeding was strage for both of them, pretty embarrassing, but in time they got used to it.

One day, the woman realized she's starting to like breast-feeding this man, and because the excitement became unbearable, she leaned toward the man and asked with a soft voice: "Wouldn't you like something else too???"

The man stopped sucking and said: "Sure, some cookies if you have..."


***


A hot babe is a secretary at a firm. Her boss thinks to something to attract her attention, and to intimidate her so she can see who's the boss. He goes to the secretary and asks her to create an email account for him.

The secretary does everything she needs to create the account, and at the end she tells her boss to type in the password.

The guy, full of himself, says "You type it in!" and adds "The password is 'PENIS'".

The secretary types the password and after a second begins to laugh out of control. The boss gets pissed and looks at the computer's monitor to see the reason, and reads 'Password too short'.


***


Typical macho man married with typical good-looking, sexy gal. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me. Here are my rules: there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."


***


A sadist and a masochist.

The masochist: "Scratch me, bite me, whip me!"

The sadist: "Nope!"


***


"Mary, would you come with me tomorrow to harvest the corn?"

"Just the two of us, John?"

"Yes, come on! I'm not going to do anything to you!"

"Then why come?"


***


One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." Annoyed by his comment, she replied with silence.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on a breast and said, "You know, if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the crotch. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."


***


Two texans talking about sex.

One says: "My favorite position is 'rodeo'."

The other, confused, says: "Never heard of it! How is it?"

"Listen here! When I make love with my wife, from behind, I wait until she's close to orgasm and then whisper to her ear that this is her sister's favorite position too. Then I try to stay on top of her for the next 10 seconds..."


***


Two men talking:

"Do you have pictures with your wife naked?"

"No!"

"Then why don't you buy some?!"


***


A banana and a vibrator on a bed.

The banana asks the vibrator: "Is this your first time?"

The vibrator replies: "No, why do you ask?"

"I see you are shaking", says the banana.


***


Why chocolate is better than sex:


***


Why beer is better than women:


***


Why cucumbers are better than men:


***


Missis Johnson comes one day at the office and says to her girlfrieds: "Girls, last night I got into bed with my husband to make love and I touched his testicles. They were ice cold!"

The second day, misses Bronson says: "Girls, last night I got into bed with my husband to make love and I touched his testicles. They were also ice cold!"

The third day, misses Hobson shows up blue around her eyes.

"What happened dear?" asked her girlfriends.

"Well, last night I got into bed with my husband to make love and I touched his testicles. They were hot! So I said to him: 'Dear, why are your testicles hot, while Johnson's and Bronson's are ice cold?!'"


***


Two old men talking: "In our days you had to pull aside a girl's panties to see her buttocks. These days you have to pull aside a girl's buttocks to see her panties!"


***


The Penis goes to his boss asking for a wage raise.

I, The Penis, ask for a wage raise because:


The boss responds.

Dear Penis, after analyzing your request I have to reject it because:


Q&A

Q: Why does a woman have orgasm?

A: So she can yell to the man once again.


***


Q: Why does a woman talk a lot when she has sex?

A: Because she's connected to a source of intelligence.


***


Q: What does the cop say to the condom?

A: Cover me! I'm going in!


How can a woman avoid a pick-up line in a bar

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."


***


Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."


***


Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not enter!"


***


Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized."


***


Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here for the same reason!"

Woman: "Yeah, let's pick up some chicks!"


***


Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then please leave me alone."


***


Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."


***


Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."

Woman: "Really? But would you stay there?"


***


Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic."